Dear MIMsters: For how long should I endure abuse for the sake of my children?
How long should a woman endure abuse in a marriage for?
I have been married for nearly 2 years now. I have a 10 month old baby and pregnant at the moment. The issue is I have been experiencing abuse by my husband for a while now. This includes physical, verbal and even financial abuse.
We have had a lot of marital issues recently so much that my dad and his dad had to come to our house to try and settle our differences but this has not really helped.
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A few weeks ago, he shouted at my dad over the phone and told me it was my dad who shouted at him. I told him he shouldn’t have done that no matter how angry he might have been. He hasn’t spoken to my dad since then.
My brother’s traditional wedding is coming up next weekend and he has said I can’t travel with the baby because I am pregnant and he is worried about my health (I never told him I an unwell). I told him my family will like to see the baby and he said that they can come to us if they want to see him.
Last week, I was crying on the phone to my mum because I couldn’t believe I might miss my brother’s wedding. He came over to me, snatched the phone and shouted at my mum asking her to stop calling me. Later that day, he went out and I sent him a text asking why he hates my family so much and telling him I will never forgive him for disrespecting my parents.
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The next day, he blocked my calls and text messages on my phone (he got me a contract phone). He said it was because of the messages I sent him and he doesn’t want any family interference in our marriage.
Recently, he has started praying and going to church frequently but it hasn’t changed his attitude and approach to our issues. Please how can he possibly be praying for peace in our home when he is ignoring the issues at hand and he knows I am unhappy at the moment. I am seriously considering leaving him.
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My family is worried for me especially my dad who has health issues. How can I forgive him? On the other hand, I am worried about my children growing up without their father. For how long can I endure this?
A peaceful and healthy life without a man is worth more than a marriage full of agony…
hmmmmmm speechless.
I totally agree with Fawole Janet Adeyemi. Woman you are better off single than in that he’ll you call marriage.
It’s better your kids grow up without a father than for them to be in an unhappy home, this is going to affect them negatively. If your son is seeing his dad abusing you as a child, how do you want to teach that kid that abuse is wrong when he’s watching a man that is supposed to be his role model doing it everyday? My advice is this, make sure you travel to your place for your brothers marriage and when your going, take lots of your stuff and stay back after the marriage. You need a healthy environment because of your present condition, don’t let a man kill you all in the name of marriage, he’s not doing you a favor. Let him come with his people for serious discussion with your people if he’s interested in bringing you back, and your people should make sure he signs an undertaking before you leave.
Message.. @Janet u re very right and let me add smtin to wht u said. My dear if ur husband is disrespectin ur parents am sorry bt u contributed to it, u might hv been discussin abt ur family issue to ur hubby dat wil make him talk to ur parents anyhw hnmmm I use to tell ladies esp single ones never dem in deir lives discuss deir family issue to deir fiance/husband to be even if de re poor cus vry soon dat man wil use it against u n even insult u/ur family on top. Sm men re nt worth it n its berara ur hubby settle de tins facing him cus goin to church/prayin won’t help him unless he does de rite tin n dat is settling wt any1 he’s nt in gud terms wt, been respectful/caring to de wife/inlaws n den he cn seek God’s face
Sorry for what you are passing through. Just tarry for a while and see if he will change since he recently started praying and going to church as well. It may take sometime though, just be patient. in the meantime, keep praying for him also and take good care of yourself and ur kids. All the best.
Some marriages are not worth it , sorry.
Give him a break for a while especially at this stage
Nne ndo
Well I think you are shoving your family down your hubby’s throat and it’s causing him to react. You should work on giving him the confidence that he comes first ……apart from that abuse in any form is a no! No! Let him know you wouldn’t take it anymore and if it’s too much….bounce! NO man is worth dying for
Its not a matter of shoving her family down her huabands throat. Some men just have no manners and were obviously not brought up right. My dumb ex huaband included and sure i kicked axx to the curb and my house has been quiet and peaceful ever since with just my 3 girls (all under 4), well except for kids noise which is way better than a grown man’s noise.
A man that physically abuse you is not worth staying with
Stay away from for now before you miscarry and try and go for your brothers wedding. Men are fond of wanting their wives to forget their family when married yet they take care of their own
I don’t support abuse of any kind especially physical but since you said he has started going to church & praying follow him also & watch him carefully while you pray too.if there is a change for the better u may stay back&b praying but if he is merely using the church as pretence, please advise urself accordingly. remember there was a recent case of a man who beat his pregnant wife to death. as for the traditional marriage ,I kinda support him I don’t think its safe to trvl for just a traditional marriage in ur condition. as for the insults, dont worry if & when he gives his life to God truly, am sure he will be d one to run & apologise to ur parents
Living in hell not marriage.
Hmmm. This is serious! Physical and vabal abuse? And Disrespect your parents? Naaaaaaaa. That is totally unacceptable! As for your brothers wedding if you can’t make it just call him and explain to him am sure he will understand.
If you stay because you want your kids to grow up with their father then they will grow up without their mother. Because you will soon die of heartache
If he is really becoming serious with God then report him to God watch what God would do in you life…. My opinion
Hmmmm
it all starts by forgiving yourself. n try to forgive him too. give your life to Christ and put the situation in His hands.
My dear look up to God he answers all our prayers. Don’t allow some advise that will spoil the whole thing and probably make you offend God. Just that it’s well
My sister just keep praying. Leaving him is not
the best option because of your kids, raising kids
without the father / mother is not ideal.
Hmmmmmmm I’m speechless
No woman should endure physical and emotional abuse ever
I believe he didn’t come from the trees. He has a family too. Start disrespecting them too and let him know how it feels
Give that man a break for now,, don’t worry about your kids not growing up with their father,,am sure your father and ur brother will be a better father to them..thers nothing to endure ooo..you are nothing but a slave to him,why block your calls..Nne please pak ur bag oo
My advise? Go to ur brother’s wedding without his knowledge and remain with your family until he comes to apologize with his family n let dem know how he has been treating his inlaws
Take a break for somtim & see if he will come looking for u, also examine ur attitude toward him
Sorry for all his abuses. I do not support d way ur hubby treats u but I will advice that u b a little more patient with him. Pray personally n also join him in prayers whenever u see him praying. Pls its not everything in ur marriage u share u with ur parents n also don’t tell ur hubby everything u knw about ur parents. Prayers works wonders, pls pray more n nag less. May see u through ur pregnancy.
To be honest I don’t advice divorce in every marital issues, but can be separated for a while to enable you sort things out. I quite agree with Janet Fawole Adeyemi, a healthy lifestyle and a healthy environment will do you alot of good, particularly in your present condition. It is safer to be alive, healthy, separated or single, than allow the stress of unhealthy marriage send you to an early grave. May God touch your husband.
Madam ur better off single…dis one no be marriage abeg
It hurt if one’s hubby disrespect his in-laws but it wont b nice if u divorce him. What i will suggest u do is to accept him d way he is. Let ur parents ignore him totally. For d wedding coming up, keep pleading wt him to allow u attend it. N if he object to it, then forget it.
We r always quick to judge, girl is that the full story. Am not telling you not leave your husband or dat you are wrong. When things start going wrong in your home, first look for the root cause. Then put it in prayers before you can invite a third party. Some lady’s are use to allowing their mothers to make decisions for them and it’s wrong and men hated that. Especially when they observed that your mother is the one controlling ur dad. You did not tell us how many months pregnant that you are and distance you hav to travel to attend your brothers trad. Fighting him to respect your parents will not help matter until you start been submissive to him. Maybe ur nagging is making him to go close to God. Try to make your family to be one first. If you stoop you will conquer. But If you want to leave, bye bye another person will manage your situation wella.
For now be patient, your brother will still celebrate other days, if u where not in nigeria, will it b compulsory coming for d party, men likes to b respected even if its once, on your side dont choke him with your family matter and dont make him feel u love ur family more him, dont talk abt the wedding again ,go back to your normal life, maybe a day to the party you can soberly beg him to allow u go, if he says no just forget abt it.After the preg get your self a job so u can help ur family without his consent and rem to always ask God for what u want
Message..It’s indeed a pity
u wana stay bcos u dnt want ur kids to grow up wtout a father? wat u shiuld ask ur self is wat kinda man are my kids gonna av as a father.giv him some time dear n kip prayin fr him.by if u dnt c changes i would advice u use ur head.cos if he abuses u verbally n physically den he cn kill u anytime
I dnt support abuse of any kind bt since he has started going to church pls bear wit him for a while let’s see if dat wil change him going to church may change him bT its going to be a gradual process
My sister, i totally understand you, but that should not make you leave your marriage. Concerning your brothers marriage, if he refuses you to go, i advise you don’t. Find a way to call ur parents and brother on phone and give any reason why u won’t be able to come. You can use your pregnancy as an excuse which will be understood. For him to be rude to your parents is every wrong. What you do to this issue is make your parents also stop calling him too. If you are working you can send things / money to your parents once in a while. Don’t discuss them with him. on the other hand be very respectful to his parents. Since he is not abusing you physically don’t disobey him. I know he will surely change when you show you are matured and your parents can hold thier own also without meddling into your family affairs
Think about the good u can do for ur children by leaving him. Ur kids dnt need that kind if father.
My dear, I am not in support of abuses anyway. If your father in-law and your dad have at a time come to settle differences in ur house. This simply means there is a lot you have not shared. You stated that he shouted on your dad, but he claimed your dad shouted at him first. Why cant your dad and mum stay out of your relationship, avoid calling him and see if you wouldnt have the best out of him. On you wanting your family members to see the baby, he did not object to that, because he has agreed that, they can come to visit. I must confess to you that this man loves you is another reason of not wanting you to travel because of your condition. if he had extra marital affair, he would speed up your request to travel. Pay absolute attention to him, and let him realize you have a nucleus family which is paramount than your extended family where your parents fall. Some father in-laws are rude, and a young man with pride and who pays his bills himself would always resist such humiliation. don’t let people mislead you with rubbish advises. Non of them has requested for your account details, to get u a new apartment. I was at a time demoted at work, and people advise I resign. three months after, God elevated me more than my previous position, as my absence from my former position revealed my competence, while I would have resigned as advised. consider the kids like you said… and note that marriage has a lot of ups and downs.
I was in similar situation but my own, non of my family members are supposed to call or visit. Am also not supposed to visit them. Abuses every where, but my dear your own is different he said they can visit you any time. And I gues when you put to bed he will allow your mum to come visit since your baby is quite young. Pray with him. Follow him to whatever church his attending get use to their doctrine. Two years is too young he may possibly get irritated by an attitude of your parents. I remember my mum insulting my husband to people who will intend come and tell him and he will also call my mom and insult her. Its a pity but analyze it first before taking any decision. All the best
All you need is God’s guidance in matters like this. Pray to God for direction.
Leave him ASAP, how can u not call or even visit your parents all in the name of that u are married. He beats u, cages u, disrespect ur parents, both families have even come for peace talks yet to no avail. For me oh, d earlier u leave him, the better, yes Bible hates divorce, but wisdom is profitable to all. Use your brains sister, ur children will take your brother and your dad as their father and keep praying for him when you are out. Be serious with your business or job, never ask him for anything. It is well.
my dear living d house is not d lssue
all u n eed is God to protect u n ur unborn baby first, so tht u nt develop BP.
Do you love you? Do you love your kids? Do you want to be happy? Do you know that you deserve happiness , free from strife, jealousy and belittlement? If yes is your answer. You need to leave. Don’t think about it, just do it. Once you do you will be soo happy with your decision.
The first two years of marriage are the toughest. This is the time to set rules, boundaries and know the true character of each other. Your parents should not be involved in your marriage, you people should learn how to settle your problems on your own. Nobody likes to know that the parents are involved in taking decisions in their marriage. This has made him to be rude to your parents. Pls stop crying to your parents, deal with him yourself. You need to stand up for yourself. Let him know you can’t continue with the abuse and take a firm decision on what you will do if he continues.
For your brother’s wedding, I will advice you not to attend because you have involved other people in making a decision. if you had not involved your parents, you could have gone and come back to resolve any wahala it may cause.
You can’t be telling you parents everything that goes wrong in your marriage, it hurts them, even when you have settled matters with your husband, they don’t forget. Learn to deal with your problems and even when you confide iin your parents, they can advice you but they should not talk directly to him. My husband is so scared of my parents that when I tell him I will report him to them, he is scared. I seek their advice from time to time, weigh their advice to see if it can work for me but they’ve never come to settle our quarrel. He hold them to the highest esteem. Learn to do same to your parents.
At the same time, make your parents respect and love him too. They should show him love and not act based on the bad things you’ve told them about him. My parents call my husband on his birthday, sends him gifts, treat him like a king when he visits them. Tell me if this man will treat me like shit unless he is crazy.
Let them mutually respect each other.