7 Effective Ways to Resolve Sibling Rivalry in Your Home

By Ololade Hector-Fowobaje

While in my third year in secondary school 29 years ago, I was walking home with my best friend Lara, when we met her cousin Tise who stopped to say hello. As we chatted, Tise’s elder sister, Sade passed by, said hello to my friend and I, ignored her sister, who also didn’t bother to look her way, and walked on.

After Tise left us, I asked my Lara, “Why don’t these sisters ever talk to each other? I have never seen them smile at each other, not to talk of talking.” Lara sighed and her response shocked me to my bone marrow. She told me, “It’s so bad that even though they share the same bedroom, they relate like strangers. In fact, they partitioned the room into two with a fabric and ignore each other. Not sure who offended who, but I know they can’t stand each other.” Then I asked, “what is their mum doing about it?” Lara shrugged and replied, “Seems she doesn’t know what to do. She keeps complaining but they only get worse.”

For most parents, fostering close relationships between our kids is one of our greatest concerns. We want our children to get along well and show love to one another! We definitely should be concerned when their disagreements fester.  As much as disagreements are inevitable, they must not be too constant and we must prevent strife and malice at all cost like in Tise and Sade’s extreme case; their parents obviously handled their issue carelessly till it got out of hand.

See 7 helpful tips:

1. Have Good Structure and Rules in Your Home

If your children know your values and the way you are all to conduct yourselves in the home, adults included, there will be less ‘refereeing’ for you to do.

2. During your weekly family chat, teach about offense and conflict resolution

Don’t wait until there are issues before you teach them. Set clear expectations for behaviour with rules and follow through. Simply tell them, “Offence will come, but all you need to do is to tell the other party how you feel. If you get an apology, forgive and let it go. If the offending party refuses to apologise, then report to your parents, teacher or guardian as appropriate depending on your location.”

3. To avoid breeding hostility, treat all your children equally

Never compare them to one another and ensure you don’t show favouritism towards any child. Many parents are guilty of this and it’s a sure-fire way to spark or fuel sibling rivalry. Also, it’s easy to allow the hot-headed one to have his way when wrong. We must guard against this else the calmer child will feel cheated and may begin to resent the other child. Please note that the hot-headed child needs our help to conduct himself in a socially acceptable manner. Constant criticism, endless punishment or generally being harsh does not help.

4. Encourage positive behaviour when you notice it

When you see acts of kindness, comment and appreciate them. Reward exemplary behaviour from time to time.

READ ALSO: Newborn Jealousy: How To Help An Older Sibling Accept A Newborn

5. What we model to them when we have issues with our spouses is equally important

If our home is a constant parental war zone, we can’t expect a different story with our children. Also, how do we model conflict resolution to our children? Spousal argument can be an opportunity to show your children how to communicate. When you argue, apologize and make-up in your children’s presence. This puts constructive rather than destructive skills on display.

6. Mediate when one child reports another

The ‘just stop it’ approach teaches kids nothing rather, it makes the issue fester particularly with teenagers. Mediate without taking sides, hear both parties out, allowing them to pinpoint their grievances and making them apologise to each other with a hug and an ‘I’m sorry.’

7. Surround them with idioms, proverbs and wise sayings on unity and peace in a subtle non-hounding way

You can write it on a piece of paper weekly and paste it on the fridge where everyone will see it.  For example, “Do unto others what you would have them do unto you,” “There is power in unity.”

If sibling rivalry somehow gets out of hand and degenerates like in Tise and Sade’s case, we should get a professional like a psychologist or counsellor involved to support our efforts. We cannot afford to be powerless with issues concerning the development of our children.