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Dear MIM: Should I Refuse To End This Depressing Marriage For My Kids’ Sake?

Dear MIM: Should I Refuse To End This Depressing Marriage For My Kids’ Sake?

My marriage is 6 years old and it has produced 3 kids. My husband hates me and never hides it from me. He said his dad forced him to marry me because he likes my family. He beats and abuses me every day. When he sees me, he hisses and insults me. He says I disgust and irritate him. On many occasions, I’ve begged him to let go of whatever grudge he has against me and make our union work but he ends up insulting me. I am a housewife who he calls a big liability to him despite not giving me money for anything.

We stay in one room in his parents’ house and he disgraces me a lot. Even though his mum gets all the feeding allowances, I try to cook for him with whatever I have but he rejects and eat only his mum’s food. He mocks and tells me how ugly my body and breasts have become after childbirth and breastfeeding, and I feel so bad.

I just discovered I have fibroids. He insults me with it, saying it’s no wonder I always complained my periods are so irregular. He has refused to give me money to see my gynaecologist to start treatment because he says I’m not part of his life. I have asked him what the problem is – where I went wrong and he says that I’m just a mistake in his life.

He used to give me money for hair, provision and clothes but stopped about 3 years ago. I feel sad when I see how he takes care of his family. He only gives me money for the kids’ school and needs – that is where I get stipends for myself. I have tried getting a job so I can assist him to no avail. Besides, he insists I stay at home and take care of the kids.

I have prayed endlessly. I even told few friends and spiritual heads who have been praying with me. Now, I’m tired of praying. I have checked and worked on myself but he just frustrates me by looking for little ways to pick up a fight. He calls me bad luck. I cannot brag about how faithful, good or bad I am but let God be the judge – he knows and sees everything.

I am frustrated, depressed and heartbroken. I have endured and still ready to endure, but I feel really humiliated when he tells me openly that he sleeps with other women.

Yesterday, he told his people that he wants me out of the house. They asked me if it was okay by me and I couldn’t answer. I was just crying. He also called my people and told them, adding that’s his final decision and there’s nothing anyone can say or do about it.

I can’t leave my kids, but surprisingly, he’s willing to get rid of them too as he said I can go with them. What do I do? Should I leave or stay and see if things will change? If I leave, how do we survive? Though I can work hard to take care of my kids but what will people say about me? How will my family feel? He wants me to leave this weekend. I am about taking a huge decision in my life. Please your advice will be highly appreciated.

View Comments (17)
  • My dear kindly LEAVE, the handwriting has been written long time ago, but you refused to see/believe it, leave & God will see you through, your happiness is paramount, God will provide for you & the children look for something to do, women nowadays don’t stay idle, you need to get a job. It’s better to be single than to be married & leave a life full of sadness

  • The moment women stop bothering about what people or family will say about her leaving her abusive marriage, that is the moment we will have less abusive marriages. These men know women won’t leave and hence continue in maltreating them. See ehn poster pack your bags and baggages and leave that man this minute. He has shown you what and who he is, what then are you still deliberating on? A man who is willing to let you go and even the kids with you, does not care about you one bit. You said it you are hard working, that’s a plus. My dear leave him and please go with your kids and see your life gets better by the day. BTW I am very sorry you are going through all this you mentioned, I pray God sends help soon.

  • Smh! It’s sad that you care so much about what people and family(who pushed you into this mess in the first place) will think about your decision. Well I’ll advice a legal separation where he signs an undertaking to pay the children’s fees and gives you monthly allowance for the children’s welfare. That should give you an edge till you can hustle and stand on your own financially. God has a way of prospering women like you who are ready to work hard for the children. Whatever you do please don’t leave your kids behind mbok

  • My dear go on with ur life ad pls be faithful when u live him ad pray to God he will make a way for u

  • My dear your best option now is to leave. He is still a baby. How can a full blown man allow w his father to force a woman on him and also maltreat her. He has no value for you. That is my problem with parents. Always choosing for people whilst they forget their main duty which is to be there for their kids. Some can go as far as disowning their kids. My dear leave and pray much about it. If God wills he will come back or better still you will get another man. He did not love you in the first place Ooooo. It was marriage by force and he will forever resent you unless God intervenes.

  • Dear, it’s unfortunate that you have had to endure this abuse but it’s understandable being a mother. The only approved ground for divorce in the bible is unfaithfulness; this condition has also been met by your husband. Invariably, he’s long gone, so why are you still holding on?
    Believe me, it’s not worth staying not even against total poverty. Your kids will admire you someday for leaving but will despite you just like their dad when you stay cuz there’s no ground for respect.
    The marriage was long broken the moment your husband called you a mistake.
    Take this bold stay and trust God’s provision for you and your kids. He’s able so remain in faith.

  • Madam, biko, leave dt beast of a man and run as far as your leg can carry u, d same parent dt arranged d marriage cos dey like ur family are still d one askin if its okay by u to leave d hous, dey have both loose interest since.

  • So sorry for what you’re going through. First, love yourself and your kids. Leave that place and be happy for their sake. Pay no mind to what others would say, let them judge you while you look up to God. He will provide for your needs.

  • Dear poster, please for the sake of your children kindly walk out of his life. Let the world judge you, who has such judgement eep, if you loose your life in that marriage you would still be judged even in death. While your so called husband will transfer his aggression on the children. He has made it easy on you by asking you to leave,move on with your life, go with your children and live for them . God has better plans for you. Its called blessing in Disguise.

  • I have been in dis state before, but mine was not as bad as yours. I did Everytin within my power to make sure d marriage wrk, but to no avail – what I did and still tell other pple is to have a positive mind set, every morning wen I wake up I will sa my husband love me and dis marriage must wrk. My husband will look at me and say dis woman is mad, but I kept saying it till it happened. Today my husband loves and cherish me. But one more tin you don’t have to b idle. God can still change him, it is nt too late.

  • See question?, get a lawyer, get a divorce. Move on with your life. Your parents can help for now. Even if you want to hawk pure water, or fry yam and potatoes by the roadside, do it and see how God will profit you. Live for yourself first, then your kids. He will definitely come back when he sees that you are independent. It’s left for you to decide weather to take him back or not. Sister just take the bull by the horns

  • Leave and the sky will be your starting point.I had a friend that went through such an ugly marriage and she is very happy now ,far from all insult ,humiliation, beating etc

  • What a very sad story? I felt like crying but my dear you can’t let wat ppl will say kill you. You should remember of two cases at Lagos of how they were killed by their husband with the so called VIOLENCE u are also facing now. What if you lost your life in the process?? Your child will live their life and they will be fine. If you can’t take care of your kids you can leave them till you have enough to demand for the custody of your kids

  • hmm..my sister focus in God and build a strong relationship with him and you will be happy no matter what..

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