Dear MIM: Should I Tell My Doting Husband This Dark Secret Or Secretly Keep Dealing With My Guilt?

I am a 25-year-old married to a gentle, caring, loving and hardworking husband. My husband is 34 and I couldn’t ask for a better father for our twin boys and lovely girl. Before I got married to him, he was a true friend who stood by me at all times. Three years of marriage and counting, he is still the best friend and husband any woman could ever hope for.

I won’t say he is perfect but he leads a very responsible lifestyle; he doesn’t smoke and hardly drinks alcohol. He is a soldier, though a doctor by profession, who has never been aggressive towards me. I admire his self-control, as no matter how angry he is, he never lays a hand on me.

The problem however is that while I was one-month pregnant with our baby girl, he was posted to Abuja while the kids and I stayed backed at Enugu. I subsequently noticed that he started avoiding sex with me whenever he visited. I confronted him because I’m the type that opens up when hurt. I asked him if he has someone keeping him in check so he doesn’t give in to his sexual urges while away from home and he said no, that he only watches porn and jerks off.  He reassured me that he made a promise not to cheat on me on the altar and he is keeping it, no matter what. He added that, besides, he fears God would not answer his prayers if he cheated on me. He told me he only doesn’t want to hurt the baby but I knew that was a lie because as a medical doctor, he definitely knows better.

So, he denied me sex throughout the pregnancy. He always kind of pushed me away whenever I tried to initiate it or just get cosy with him, and out of annoyance, I told him that since he wasn’t giving me what I wanted, I would get it elsewhere. However, he laughed it off and dared me to, adding that he trusted me and I couldn’t do a thing like that to him.

When he left, I was still very angry. I then called an old male friend who had been disturbing me even long before I married my husband. He came that day and took me out. Honestly, we actually went to a lodge. I was so carried away by my zeal to hurt my husband that we actually kissed. Things happened so quickly and before I knew it, my trousers were off. He was about to take my underwear off when reality suddenly hit me and I realized the implication of what was happening. I realized I love my husband and couldn’t hurt him that way and pleaded with the guy to stop. He did out of respect for me and I returned home. I had gone too far and cried a lot, asking God for forgiveness.

Since then, my conscience judges me each time I see how good my husband is to me or I tell him I love him. It gets worse whenever he tries to get intimate. I get flashes of what transpired between me and that guy. Should I tell my husband what happened or keep it to myself? It’s really tormenting my love life. It hasn’t helped my spiritual life either. Each time I kneel to pray, the devil reminds me of what I have done. What should I do?

27 Discussions on
“Dear MIM: Should I Tell My Doting Husband This Dark Secret Or Secretly Keep Dealing With My Guilt?”
  • Hmmmmm, since nothing happened y not forget about it. Or if u want to b at peace tell him but will he believe you? . Its all in your head,sort it out

  • Did he eventually slept with you, if No, why not keep quiet, ask God to forgive you,l dt you will never go back to that mistake because if you disclose what transpire to your husband, if you do he will never, I say never trust you again

  • Ask God for forgiveness and move on, don’t break your marriage with your two bare hands. Make sure it doesn’t happen again, there”s no point judging you. That’s my candid opinion.

  • Since you didn’t sleep with him, I think you should keep it to yourself and pray to God for forgiveness and rebuke the devil whenever he comes and he will flee from you.

  • Pls don’t tell him because u didn’t hav sex. He may use it against u tomorrow. Jus ask God for forgiveness and go closer to God.

  • Our God is merciful,so far you acknowledged your wrong and ask for his forgiveness he is faithful and just to forgive you 1 john 1:9,so whatever the devil is telling you are nothing but lies,he is only trying to steal your joy,and you cant afford to let him…let go of whatever happened and continue to enjoy your marriage.

  • You get fine man and you misbehaved like this. You just wanted to prove a point. That’s was bad of you anyway you know your husband better. You can keep it but one thing I fear in keeping secrets is that if he hears it outside it is going to beworse. So choose wisely and prayerfully to sort out this mess your u have created.

  • Ask God for the grace to forgive yourself as He will forgive you if you ask Him and move on with your life. The devil wants to destroy your home. Don’t give him a chance. Pls do not tell your husband as nothing happened between you and the guy.

  • If u tell him he will not believe dt u didn’t have sex with him just have a sincere sober reflection ad ask God to forgive u ad pls keep off from dt ur guy so dt he will not pull u out of ur peaceful home

  • From your post nothing happened(except you didn’t state that fact). So my dear start by asking God for forgiveness and then forgive yourself. Be careful with your emotions next time because you may not be that lucky

  • Ask God for forgiveness, shame d devil whenever he tries to blame u. Move on, telling ur husband is not a wise thing to do.. Ur husband avoiding sex, hmmm there is an untold story oo

  • Pls biko is porn use not d same as cheating on ur wife? My dear keep ur marriage keep shut God has already forgiven u so u forgive urself.

  • Na u Sabi. At least u proved ur point even if it’s out of anger. I can’t imagine what type of anger would make a married pregnant lady cheat on her hubby. Anyways, keep ur dirty secret to urself as I’m very sure no husband would accept it even though u didn’t have sex with the other guy.

  • Tell him o. Please. I’m a man. Trust me if by any chance her hears it outside. He will leave you but if you tell him yourself, he’ll most likely forgive you because as you said he is a good man. Besides when you hurt someone, before asking GOD for forgiveness, you have to tell them and ask their forgiveness too after which you go to GOD for forgiveness. Simple. Please tell him.

  • If u didn’t tell him ur frd may do someday to get back at you or perhaps u too might be acting strange in ur relationship with him, he may suspect and the end result may be worse than the beginning.

    My simple advice is sit him down tell him wat happened and leave the rest for him to decide. He also might have been in a compromising situation like u. Am sure he will forgive u.

  • You went to a lodge with a man you invited over. You kissed. And things happened fast your underwear was almost off and people are saying you didn’t do anything so forget it. My dear God has forgiving you but the guilt stands between you and your peace. Forget what you didn’t do but apologise to your man for what you did. My opinion.
    He sounds to me like someone who would forgive easily.
    Please involve your pastor who should also be his pastor.

  • I concur to what Chris Madu said. To God be the glory you did not sleep with that guy; but what about the guilt that is ruining your spiritual and psychological life?
    Pray to God, he will direct you on what to do. He never fails!

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