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Dear MIMsters: How Do I Get Out Of This Mess My Baby Daddy Put Me Without Losing My Son?

Dear MIMsters: How Do I Get Out Of This Mess My Baby Daddy Put Me Without Losing My Son?

What can I do to get out of this? I need candid advice and God’s intervention.

I will be 32 in January. I met my baby’s father in June 2009. I was a banker then (contract staff but with different salary because of my additional qualification). He had no job after his NYSC in 2007 and was living with his uncle in the same state where I work. Regardless, we started a relationship and prayed together for God to grant him a good job. He’s the type that comes to my office and everybody knew him to be my boyfriend. He also stayed with me all the time during weekends.

He got a job in 2010 but the day he collected his first salary, he was also given a sack letter. Only God knows what happened because till today, I still don’t know what really happened. He cried so badly and I encouraged him to try further. I withdrew some amount of money in my account and gave to him to start a business though I told him I borrowed him so that he would be serious. He thanked me severally and even his mother really thanked and prayed for me. However, after a month, the money I gave him was already finished without any profit or the capital despite the fact that I always funded every of his expenses, even for his several other job interviews in different states.

In December 2010, he came back from one of his numerous travelling for job interviews and when I was helping him unpack his clothes (he was staying with me then because he had a fight with his uncle’s wife), I saw a slip with the list of a new baby’s name. I asked him and he confessed and begged me, saying he didn’t know how to tell me. He said the pregnancy was a mistake with his first girlfriend, that he met the lady when she came to process her admission at the college of education close to his uncle’s house.

I cried so much and told him I’m no longer interested, that he should go and marry his baby mama but he begged. His mother and an elderly clergy man too begged on his behalf. After some months, I decided to forgive him but I was very cautious because my dad did not accept him. Meanwhile, we were not having sex too because I was a virgin. He later got a civil servant job in 2013 and started disturbing me for sex. I told him I vowed to God that I won’t do it until I’m married. He said we should get married and I requested for him to take me to his home.

He took me to his town but not his home. He took me to where he said he grew up – his Islamic training school (Ilekeu), where his mother and father came to meet us and get introduced. When we left there, I was angry because he didn’t tell me he was taking me to that place. We had agreed we were going to his house, only for him to take me to that place. He explained that it would be disrespectful for him not to take me to his Imam because he’s like a father to him. I also took him to Lagos, where my parents reside.

My father still does not like him because of his first mistake. He told me he is a liar but I persuaded him that he is the only man I love. Subsequently, we set a date for introduction only for him to attend with his dad and the Imam alone. Their excuse was that his mother and others couldn’t come because someone died and they didn’t want to shift the date of the introduction.

After the introduction, I allowed sex that same month and he deflowered me. I became pregnant and that’s when the whole issue started. I started receiving a strange call from a hidden number – the woman cursed and abused me, she called me a husband snatcher. I was devastated. I even allowed my fiancé to answer one of the calls and he said I should not pick the call again, that he doesn’t know who is calling. The call continued for 4 days and I reported also to MIL who said I should also curse the person back. I was surprised and it really disturbed my work in the office.

Later, my fiancé started travelling frequently, like every 2 weeks. He would say he’s going for a prayer – he just changed and when I was 4 months gone, I told I don’t want to deliver in the same house I rented and lived while still single. Note that I’ve been the one paying rent and everything – I did because of his little income. He did not care about the new rent, but I started searching for a new house.

Even with my condition, we started having issues whenever he comes back from his several travels. I later found out he was always visiting his baby mama who he previously said was a mistake and he did not love. I made up my mind that he had succeeded in betraying me, so, I moved on, facing my job and my pregnancy,

Later in my 8th month, he came back from work one night and said they’ve brought his baby mama, that he must get a house for them to live. I cried and called my mum in Lagos to come and stay with me till I delivered. He rented a flat for them and started switching between his baby mama’s house and mine – 3 days at a time for each of us. I was emotionally dead. This is somebody I did not force myself on, somebody that drove other suitors away and always came to wait for me to close in at office every day, just to monitor my movements. My other colleagues who envied me said he was doing that because he loved me then.

He deflowered me when I was 29 years and had invested 5 years in relationship. He hide everything and didn’t keep friends, so, I couldn’t easily make enquiries. I remember I went back to his Imam personally then to enquire about his child and if he was married, stating that I don’t want a polygamous family though we are Muslims and he reassured me. Why would a cleric do that? Now, their lies have been unveiled and I’ve been going through hell.

When I was 40 weeks gone, I did not feel anything. They had to induce me and carry out a CS to bring out my baby. The baby mama that I don’t even know was brought to the hospital by my baby daddy four days after my delivery to greet me. I was ashamed of myself and at the same time, very angry. He didn’t inform me before bringing her and their child.. I have a baby boy and she has a girl.

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The major reason I’m writing this is because I found a document recently where he filled her name as his next of kin. He even stated he is married in the civil servant staff data he filled in 2013 when he was employed. I saw another document he filled in Feb. this year where he used his daughter’s name as the next of kin, even though he has a child with me too.

I kept the document and showed him and he immediately tore the papers, saying they were not relevant and that while he was filling the document then, somebody insisted that he should use the other woman’s name. It resulted into a fight and I wanted to leave with my son who is now a year plus but he insisted I can’t go with his son. Our neighbours had to intervene because of our frequent fights and he told them that it my destiny, that I must accept it. I’ve decided to leave for a very long time but he’s using my son to stop me because I can’t live my son with him.

I’ve collected my car which he uses but I want to go. I want to go somewhere very far, I can’t be a husband snatcher. I have discovered that woman is his wife and was living with his parents in the village before her family brought her and she’s not working. I want him to take care of his family as he’s not responsible for my wellbeing. I paid for my baby’s delivery and have been responsible for all our bills. I’m just tired and want to live in peace.

God is my witness, I’m not lying. This is the only mistake I’ve ever made. Everything was very smooth for me, even while in school because I was very brilliant.

I want to know how I can get out without living my son behind. His mother has been pretending as if she does not know since the first wife came and they are all from the same village, so, I’m the outsider.

I’ve also involved FIDA and they said I have to charge him to court but because we are not legally married, they advised against it. I don’t also want a court case because of the time involved and for my son’s sake. Please advise me.

View Comments (13)
  • He is married and lied to you. My love please leave him. Do it gradually without his knowledge. Run with your kid to a far place he doesn’t know and can’t find you. Why would you leave your kid for him? So that he and his wife can maltreat the boy abi? Mtschew. Whatever you do or decide, do not leave your son with him. You are working right? Seek for transfer to a different state please and be careful so he doesn’t find out. He is a wicked man.

  • My dear sister, I feel your pain.. But I can tell from all you said that that man is just trying to blackmail u. He has never spent a penny on your son, u have been paying the bills. He doesn’t want you to go because perhaps u have a weak personality, u easily forgive so he knows one way or another he will still gain something from you, and so he’s using your son to keep u.. Well my advice is for you to run as far as your legs can carry you. And off course with your son. You need to relocate, plan everything secretly, tell not a single soul because no one is to be trusted. U can tell your mum only when you have settled down in your place of choice, he’s your son, you bared the pain of birth and you carry his responsibilities as well, think! Do u want to live him to a father who doesn’t even recognize him as a son but a means of blackmail. Thing my dear sis.. Above all, seek Allah’s help. He’s your strength always…

  • I almost wept while reading ur story, am sorry for wat u r going tru . I understand that u don’t want a court case but u still want d custody of ur son wic is very possible legally without going to d court. Try n make enquiry abt Alternative dispute resolution center or citizen mediation center in d state u r, de help with cases like dis in a private setting. I am 100% sure de will grant u costody of ur son n dir decision is binding just like d court but very friendly n quite different in mode of operation. They can even come to ur house to settle d case n dir service is free of charge.

  • You guys are not married, you have every right to leave with your son. U don’t need any court order to do so. I advise you move on with your son , make a report at the police station in charge of the area u reside then u get a court order restraining him from further interference with ur life. If he is not okay with ur decision, he should go to court. Even if do matter takes 10 years u have custody of ur son and it will remain so until an otherwise verdict is given by a court. Forgot to add, don’t tell him you are leaving, do it on one of those his three days visit to the other lady and also talk to a lawyer.

  • Well, so sorry for your mistakes. I do not know where you reside, but i know of Lagos because i have done similar matters in the past. Go to any customary law court and dissolve whatever you have, if he is still insisting on taking d baby after d separation, go to a family court and get custody and maintenance for your baby. Goodluck!.

  • hmmm just dont know what to say but my advice for u is to either seek transfer from your work place and leave the house without letting him know your where about. My dear sister dont u ever leave your child for him make sure u leave with your child. before you leave, be kind to him deceive him the way he has been deceiving you let him feel relaxed dont u ever complaint about him so by the time you leave the shock will not even let him know what to do. May Almighty God c u tru.

  • Well in my culture, the baby doesn’t belong to the man until he pays the woman’s bride price. They took advantage of your meekness and generosity and exploited you. If you leave your son with him, you’ll be responsible for what happens to him(in the hands of the dad who doesn’t provide and step mum)

  • I feel for u dear sister,its one of those things I life,ow I wished dt u guys never meet in d first place but d deed has bn done n u ve to move on,find a place u can run to with ur baby,dont even tell him until u must ve settled very well n also report d case to d police Cose of ur life,for him to keep telling u lies shows dt he can take a life but most importantly,dont relent in prayers Cose it’s a only way u can succeed in all these,GOD will still be GOD n I knw for sure dt he will answer ur prayers,be with u n u will get another truthful man dt will marry u in d future,be strong swthrt.its well

  • Quite a pathetic case. But this is not the time for sentiments. Your baby is still a baby, an infant, and no court of justice shall award custody to him. Just drag him to any court of competent jurisdiction and have the matter trashed out once and for all. You’ll surely get custody, and even an order for maintenance of the baby. He has serious responsibility towards the baby.

  • Do it alone…..
    You don’t have to Inform him
    If possible change your attitude towards and give him the impression that all is well then disappear without a trace or sign…

  • First, no sane magistrate or whoever will advise u to leave ur son with such a person who has never taken reaponsibilty of a penny on d child. He’s just a sperm donour. My lady ur life is in your hands thank God u have a job and dats why some useless men don’t want their wives to work so that they can start acting alfa and omega on that woman. If u don’t want a court case, go to any Civil Defence command ask for Peace and Conflict Resolution Department there. Lodge ur complain and I am sure they will get the matter settled. U will live ur life happily and ur son will be in ur custody after all u didn’t deny him the paternity of the boy. Its a simple matter. But u have to be strong to do this for yourself. Then please I am sorry to add that your own family as in your parents and people are too slack. Do they want to wait until this man finish ur life? They should swing into action and defend u against this evil man. All the best lady especially when u allow Jesus in it.

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