Dear MIMsters: Divorced With A Son, How Do I Face The World After This Terrible Mistake?
I am an ardent fan from Ghana and need urgent advice from mothers in the house. I know I’ve messed up big time but please don’t insult me and help a desperate sister who is at crossroads.
I am 35-years-old and a single mother of a seven-year-old boy. My ex-husband and I parted ways when I was pregnant with my son. We had only done our traditional marriage (paying of bride-price) before I got pregnant. The separation came as a result of the fact that he cheated on me after our marriage with another woman who got pregnant for him before I also became pregnant with my son.
In short, my son doesn’t know his biological father and my ex has never cared to ask of us because he is now married with three children. I have singlehandily raised my son till date and can say we are living a comfortable life by the grace of God.
Anyway, after the separation with my ex-husband, I became scared, even the thought of seeing another man scared me to death. But I was determined to focus on my son, further my studies and advance my career. God being so good, I got a scholarship and traveled with my son to the States in 2014 for my Master’s Degree and returned home in March, 2016.
Meanwhile, I had this good friend in the area where I stayed before leaving for school and he kept in touch till I came back from school. Upon my return home, he said he wanted us to take our friendship to the next level. He is everything I desire in a man, though I’m older than he is (he’s now 32 years), ahead of him academically (he is now pursuing his Master’s Degree) and my salary is far better than his.
I was hesitant initially because HE IS A MUSLIM AND I’M A CATHOLIC! However, I later on accepted to date him based on some reasons. First, I felt it was time for me to be happy and enjoy life once again since my life sort of became boring because I had isolated myself from so many things after the separation. Second, this guy treats my son like his own son and my boy has become so fond of him that a day will not pass without the two of them speaking on phone or he coming to visit us. The bubble of joy on my son’s face alone whenever he sets his eyes on this guy cannot be quantified. All I can say is that he has brought so much joy into my son’s life and I’m grateful to him. Third, when I asked him about our different religious backgrounds, he said it was not much of a problem because I could continue to worship at my church if we got married, which I was cool with, though it would be tough getting my family’s consent.
I finally agreed to date him in June, 2016 after doing some little background check on him and speaking to a few of his friends. Everything showed he was a clean guy, hence, we started dating but never had sex. The farthest we went was kissing. Two months into our relationship, I got a new job with a multinational company and had to relocate to a different region. When I had settled at my new station, he came visiting in September. It was during this visit that we had sex upon his request. We did not use any protection and I equally did not take any precaution afterwards because per my calculation, I felt I was in my dry period. Surprisingly, September ended and I never had my menses. I quickly did pregnancy test at home and it showed positive. I went to hospital the next day for a blood test and it came out positive too. In fact, I felt numb at first because I couldn’t believe it. I went in for a scan to see how far gone I was but the scan showed nothing and I was asked to repeat it at two weeks to assess viability of cyesis.
I quickly asked the guy to come over for us to discuss urgently for me to know my fate. He did come and I showed him the results. He was quiet for some time and finally said we have to terminate it since we didn’t plan for it. He added that more so, per his religion, he has to properly marry me before I can have a child for him. I told him I can’t see myself aborting a baby at age 35, when I don’t know what awaits me in the process or in future. We didn’t arrive at a consensus and he left the next day, saying I should rethink my decision because it has complications.
Two days after he left, he sent me a message via WhatsApp that he was sending a package to me and that I should alert him upon receipt. I picked up the parcel from the station and alerted him, only for him to inform me that it’s a drug called MEDABON and that I should take it following the instructions. I went online and read about the drug and felt disappointed, and told him I was not ready to yield to his demands. He flared up and said I’m trying to put pressure on him as well as complicate his life since he is not ready for a child yet. (That was my first time of sensing anger in his speech as he is the calm and gentle type).
Without mincing words, I told him he could move on with his life and leave me alone to have my baby since I’m working and can take care of the child. That was when he shocked me by saying that HIS FATHER MARRIED A WIFE FOR HIM AT THE BEGINNING OF 2016 BUT THAT THE LADY IS NOT STAYING WITH HIM BECAUSE HE HAD NOT ACCEPTED HER SINCE IT WAS AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE AGAINST HIS WILL AND HE IS STILL BATTLING WITH THE FATHER OVER THAT ISSUE. SO, ME HAVING THE BABY FOR HIM WILL ONLY COMPLICATE ISSUES, THAT HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THE MARRIAGE ISSUE BECAUSE HE WAS WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO COME.
Honestly, I’m still in a state of shock and things have suddenly changed between us as our communication has not been the best for almost two weeks now. Besides, my life has been turned upside down and I wish the ground could just open up and swallow me at once because I can’t imagine having a child for a married man considering my past, my age, status and level of exposure. More so, having this baby means THE CHILD BELONGS TO MY EX-HUSBAND PER OUR TRADITION BECAUSE HIS DOWRY HAS NOT BEEN RETURNED SINCE THE TIME OF SEPARATION. MY UNCLES (MY PARENTS ARE LONG DEAD) HAVE DELIBERATELY REFUSED TO SEND THE DOWRY BACK, THE REASON BEING THAT THEY ARE NOT PREPARED FOR ANY LEGAL BATTLE WITH MY SON’S FATHER BECAUSE HE WOULD DEMAND FOR MY SON THE MOMENT THE DOWRY IS RETURNED, WHICH THEY KNOW I’LL NOT BE PREPARED TO GIVE OUT AND THIS WILL RESULT IN A TUSSLE.
My family is not aware that I’m pregnant except few people at my workplace who’re suspecting and have started teasing me. Mothers, as I write now, I’m about six weeks gone and now in a fix of what to do next. I’m sometimes tempted to open the parcel and take the drug that this current guy sent but my instinct is not allowing me. Your advice will be much appreciated as I have been having sleepless nights and weep most of the time. Believe it or not, my son has been asking me what is wrong because he can see I’m not happy recently and look sick.
In the sight of God, I know I have sinned and fallen short of His glory. What do I tell my son? How will I face my immediate family who see me as the PRIDE of our family? What do I tell my uncles? How will I face my friends? How do I handle my ex who will definitely come after my son once he hears I’m expecting a child from another man? Who will believe that I never intended for things to end this way? I’m hurting inside and need your candid opinions though I have messed up big time.
This is sad. I don’t know what to say. But that guy doesn’t love you one bit.
I can feel your predicaments. You really need to be strong and think really hard. But some things are certain:Please don’t ever marry for your son’s happiness(he would one day leave you and face his life). Please don’t abort the baby no matter the pressure(my only concern is the bride price that wasn’t returned. Not to worry, when you get to the river you’ll definitely cross it). That may be your last.Let the man get lost, take care of your self and baby. Tell him to forget about you. Always remember, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’
Now, this is empowerment. God bless you sister.
Accept your mistake, forgive yourself and be cheerful. You should move on with your life and be greatful for the children God has blessed you with. Abortion is not an option because it might lead to serious consequences. There are many people that have thread this same path and they are still standing strong. People will despise you and call you names but you have to be focused and strong. You can still find happiness in another relationship depending on how you carry yourself. Also, fight for the custody of your children, they ought to be with you and you are capable of raising them. About the issue of the muslim guy, he never had any future plans for you, he was only playing games. I will recommend you cut all emotional ties with him now that you know his marital status. Above all, pray to God for direction and for the grace to be strong inspite your challenges. God is the only one that can justify you and cover your short comings.
Breathe dear.. Breathe it not easy where u find urself.. But the best now is to keep the baby.. Pls dont double ur sins by aborting.. God will forgive you.. But you will face the consequence of it.. Look up to God he will be your shield.. The next coming months will be tuff but have faith.. Since u Ghanaian there is a proverb that says When something happens they talk about for a year.. But they forget after sometime your family will forget eventually.. As for that guy.. Leave him to God u never know how a person will react until situations.
Hmmmmmmmmmm, my dear sister it is well with you oooooo. I want u to know dat there is nothing dat happened that God is not aware of. it has happened and it has happened. it is your well being that matter most now.forget about the deceiver and take good care of yourself.thank God you have a good job move on and make sure you are close to God. Stay away from anything or anyone that will make you feel bad or bitter. Let ur son know you are expecting a baby. Our Mother Mary will see you through and intercede for you in Jesus name ( Amen )
My sister the guy only took advantage of Ur situation to come close and mess up ur life, keep the child! I do not support abortion!
Dt ur boy can live u someday so keep dt blessed baby ad be strong for ur baby to come ad call upon God to show you a way out
Dear poster,leave it all to the one who knows the end from the begining and remember someone is struggling to even conceive and miscarry at ur age.yes there’ will be consequences but face them with all ur strength and u’ll come out victorious with God by ur side.cut all communication with the guy and move on with ur life precious gifts.
Hmmmmm well just move on with your life don’t abort and don’t have anything to do with that guy again.
As for the guy, let him be a forgotten issue for now. As far as am concerned, this isn’t a death sentence, life continues.
My dear, all hope is not lost. God will see you through if you hold on to him. Do not abort. Time would sort out things and heal all wounds if you forgive yourself and move on in the right direction. Everything happens for a purpose and the best sometimes comes out from the worst situations if we do not give in to depression and bad advice. Make sure you have custody of your kids and try to be happy again. God will see you through, amen.
Don’t abort
keep d baby if ur ex comes fr his son fight fr a legal custody in court.
My dear why are you sounding like you owe the world for getting pregnant. You made a mistake so what. Most of us here have commited worst things than you and you are there punishing yourself with guilt. Yes you did wrong but you pick yourself up and tell yourself you would be better than yesterday. About the child don’t try at your age ooo pls. And forget about that man
Dear one,
I empathise with you.
I went through something similar a few years back.
I got pregnant with a married man (who only told me about his marital status after the pregnancy happened) who asked me to abort.
I was straight out of school (MSc), unmarried, no job, poor financial standing.
But in that moment, I turned to God. I forgave myself, prayed to God to forgive me and then “f***ked” everybody else.
I convinced myself that if God was fine with me, the world and all the judgement could go to hell. Now i have an amazing 2 year old daughter and I am so blessed because of her.
As a 35 year old, single mother, successful professional, you owe absolutely no one any explanation whatsoever about the situation you are in. The only one whose opinion matters here is Yahweh; get right with Him and you’ll have all the confidence you need to get through this.
Regarding your ex, do you know that in Ghana, a continuous period of 6 months separation automatically annuls a marriage?
You do not need your uncles to return the dowry before your marriage is annulled. Legally, you are a very single woman. If he (your ex) insists on a custody battle, take it to court. I can assure you that by single-handedly raising your son, you will most definitely retain custody.
You owe NOBODY any reasoning. Get on your knees, and when you get up from there, you can take on the world.
Dear Poser,
It’ s amazing really, how you, a highly educated woman in this era, will allow your life be dictated by the fear of what your uncle will say, what your family will do, what your ex-husband (who doesn’t care a hoot about you and the child you had for him) will think. Am sure, taking it further, you must be thinking of what your village elders and market women will say too. You are a grown adult, highly exposed with her life to live. The situation is as it is – your new boyfriend (for that is what he is) just took advantage of you (plus you should have been more weary this time, considering what happened previously). Please I have an advice for you – PARK UP YOUR THINGS AND COME TO NIGERIA AND LIVE YOUR LIFE AS YOU DESIRE.
Thank you.