Dear MIMsters: This loving man wants me to marry him but his son is a thorn in my flesh

I am a single mother of two boys aged, 5 and 7. I had both of them as a teenager and have never been married. I would like to marry this man but his son is a thorn in my flesh.

I met a widower who is 21 years older than I am sometime in 2013. He lost his wife a year before I met him, and when he proposed a relationship, I didn’t care about the age difference or that he had 5 children. He had his older kids; a boy, 19, and girl, 22, with his late wife, as well as a son and twin girls from previous relationships. Only his two children with his wife live with him. Others live with their mothers but he is responsible for their upkeep. He lived outside Lagos, so, I always visited him and got along very well. In 2014, he asked me to move in with him and I did.

His son initially liked me but we had some issues after I moved in which led to a serious altercation. I wanted to leave but his dad kept begging me to stay and I did. After few months, he asked me to marry him but wanted me to get pregnant first. I had several reservations about that, so, I refused to get pregnant.

2014 rolled into 2015 and we were still not married but living together. His daughter and I got along a little bit but it irked me that she and her brother always called me by my name as if were mates, and their father still hasn’t done anything about it. His late wife’s pictures are all over the house, despite telling him that I am not comfortable with it. He told me that we’ll get married and live differently soon since his children will soon be independent, adding that I should be patient.

Then, he started having financial issues. Sometime in 2015, it got to a stage that at times, we had no food in the house. I had previously started a business to support my kids but everything went down the drain because of debts incurred to support him.

Now, he is trying to get back on his feet. It’s difficult to walk away because he was very good to me when he had money and still doesn’t hide anything from me. He loves my children and buys them gifts. He even told me they’ll come live with us when we finally tie the knot but his son’s attitude always unnerves me.

In January, he fought me again and I had to leave the house for some days. I stayed at a friend’s place and his dad kept begging me to come back. He got a pastor involved and his son apologized. So, I came back home but kept malice with him for over 6 months. I just started talking to him again when I stopped fooling myself and realised nothing I do will ever make those children respect me. They don’t respect their father either, as they talk back at him, raise their voice at him and use very disrespectful words when he scolds them. I was shocked on one occasion he scolded his son and called him a fool and the saucy boy called him a fool right back. He stared at his son and didn’t do anything.

A pastor came to the house sometime last year and asked him to remove his late wife’s pictures. He did and the house felt light but those children put it back, saying he removed their mother’s pictures because of me and their dad let them be. Till now, the pictures are still in the house and on his iPad too. I asked him to remove them from his iPad but he lovingly said they serve as memories and I should let him keep them.

Now, he’s saying we’ll get married by the end of the year and soon move to a new house where his late wife’s pictures won’t be any more but I’ve been very confused lately. I don’t know if I still want the marriage. I have packed my things severally but he keeps begging me not to leave, saying if I do he’ll die as I’m the one that keeps him going and gives him hope. He says nobody will cook for him or take care of him like me.

His daughter graduated last year, and though she’s not as rude as her brother, as old as she is, she can’t cook even a pack of noodles properly, talk less of preparing soup. She’s not homely at all and her arrogant brother doesn’t want to go to school. In fact, I have lost count of the number of times he has failed SSSCE; they keep moving him from one school to another each year, all to no avail. All the boy does is to sit with his laptop from morning till night, watching porn. I’m their slave in that house as they don’t do anything and I dare not complain. I doubt any house-help can tolerate their rudeness and several excesses.

I’m really confused and need good advice. Should I continue putting up with these children, especially the boy, and marry their father? He’s a good man but I’m scared his son’s attitude towards me will only get worse if I officially replace his late mum. What do I do?