Dear MIMsters: Why I Feel Trapped In My Own Home

I just read the post of the lady who said her husband has been ignoring her for 4 weeks and counting. Well, the story resonates with me and made me decide to share a bit of mine and seek the advice from my wonderful Mimsters. I feel trapped in my own home.

I have been married for 7 years now with 3 kids. I met my husband at the university. I was a year ahead of him but that did not really bother me because I was thrilled with his doggedness and persistent attitude towards success.

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He had issues with his finances then, so all through my mid year to my final year, service year, up till when I started working and eventually stopped working, we were spending my allowance/salary together. That is because when he eventually graduated, he was at home for some years before he got into a paid employment. We had a partnership business on the side which we jointly still operate till date .

After we got married, my hubby began to make a fuss about seeing my family members and attending their events. Based on our financial arrangement, I was unable to send money home to my parents because he continued to control our finances. I can’t spend any money without his approval, I can’t go out without his approval, although I am more of an introvert than an extrovert. I can’t even to go to church. If I must go, I have to behave well or else he can decide to ban me from going.

He calls me names, does not regard my family, and is currently not in speaking terms with them. I can go on and on but it is really more complicated than I am describing.

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He has became more of a narcissist, manipulative, controlling, and hard to communicate with.

To crown it all, he cheats. In fact, the latest one has been ongoing for over a year. He knows I am aware and unhappy about it but he does not care. He keeps late nights, does not sleep at home sometimes, but still comes back and acts like all is well.

Any time I confront him, he gives me the silent treatment, sleeps out and later asks me if I have learnt my lesson which is to keep quiet and say nothing.

His Mom is aware but she keeps telling me to be patient, my parents are aware but they blame me for it all. They said that I was warned not to marry him but they encouraged me to be patient and get financially empowered.

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I have tried to play play the dutiful wife so as not to rock the boat but he still gets on the phone to chat with a certain woman and when we have a fight, he will threaten to sleep out for weeks as my punishment.

Really, I am fed up. I feel trapped. Despite all these ill treatments, I still have to go cap in hand to him, asking for money for everything I need because I am no longer in paid employment.

I am a professional, so I still get jobs from home but I don’t have control over any money I make, let alone access to the one that we make together. Not that I don’t have an inkling of what to do but with 3 kids and no savings.

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I have been praying for him and for myself and trying to get a paid employment too but should I keep hoping for God to turn things around or just keep calm about the whole situation and bail out once I am financiallly stable?

 

1 Discussion on “Dear MIMsters: Why I Feel Trapped In My Own Home”
  • Dear Poster,
    I don’t understand how you don’t have control over the money you make. How does he know how much you make? Do you post your money into his account? I can’t get it. Madam, there should be a limit to how he can control you. You have to stop somethings you are doing. Start keeping your own hard earned money. Be aggressive with expanding your practice. Go out reach out to people.
    Stop devoting your time and energy to the joint business you manage afterall when he absconds for days he doesn’t care how it’s run and you don’t even get paid.
    You also need to make yourself happy. Stop giving him so much attention. Make efforts to always look good and happy. Always pretend to be very busy when he is around. When he calls you, tell him you are very busy that you will call him back. When he comes back after absconding, just welcome him like a stranger. Let him see that you have not missed him at all.
    If he sees that his punishment is not working, he will be afraid to leave you alone because he won’t understand what you are up to behind his back.

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