Someone out there might be going through this personal experience I am about to share and I hope they find this piece helpful.
I’m a typical Nigerian mother who does not share my feelings for the fear of being laughed at. I know a lot of mothers are going through the same situation but find it difficult to say it out.
Well, I have always being one who knows what she wants, but not sure of how to get it. I wanted to be make an impact in people’s lives so I became a teacher. I wanted to get married and have two kids precisely a boy and a girl. I guess I made that decision based on the economic situation. So I had my first son who means the world to me and wanted to give him a sister. I read all sorts of sex selection methods and made sure I made no mistake. But God had other plans for me or maybe I did not pay enough attention to the details.
I got pregnant, went for the 5 months scan to determine the sex and it was another boy. I cried so hard, I unconsciously prayed to have a miscarriage. I lost all the excitement that came with expecting a baby. I was begining to hate my child even before he was born. To make it worse, wherever I went, I saw girl’s stuffs. I desperately wanted a girl. Somehow, I casually told my husband that I was going to abandon my baby at the hospital if it was a boy as I still had faith the sex could change in the last minute even after doing 4 scans which all confirmed it’s a boy.
How do I deal with this feeling? Whom do I talk to? I couldn’t talk to my mom and I did not want my husband to think bad about me, especially after countless nights of encouragement. So, I travelled to have my baby. I did not want him inside me anymore, so I had a scheduled CS and it was a boy!!!
I did not want to see his face and I did not want to hold him. I did not want to breastfeed him. I had the worst feeling inside me and the visitors were not helping either. “Another boy?”, a lady asked. “You have another boy, when they grow up they will not take care of you.” I was so scared, angry and depressed. My mom decided it was time I saw a doctor cause I was not reacting to my baby’s cry.
“She has post partum depression!” What is that? I have never heard of that before, so I looked it up and I recognised the symptoms: inability to bond with my baby, depression, excessive crying, loss of appetite, withdrawal from friends and family. I was disappointed in myself and wondered how I took such feelings to the extreme. I knew I needed help.
My baby will be a year old next month. I named him Emerie cause he is my victory. I must confess my sons rock my world. They are the rare gems God gave me and I must do all it takes to set them on the right path. I am happy. Currently, I don’t know if I want another child. Though I secretly want a girl, I don’t care anymore. I love my little family.
Post-partum depression is real and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Speak out and seek help.