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Dear MIMsters: I was circumcised and it’s causing problems in my marriage

Dear MIMsters: I was circumcised and it’s causing problems in my marriage

My marriage is just a year old and it’s already going sour. We are facing so many challenges in our relationship but I know it’s just for one reason – sex and because I was circumcised.

Hubby and I got married as virgins. Towards the end of our one year courtship, we were both looking forward to enjoy sex in our marriage. I read all I could to ed.ucate myself and I thought I was ready.
We got married and it took a whole month before hubby could disvirgin me. Honeymoon became bitter-moon. I spent everyday dreading every time we tried. It was so painful. We did everything our counsellor (a friend of my dad who is a pastor and marriage counsellor) asked of us but I just couldn’t stand the pain even with lubrication.

At a point, our counsellor asked him to force me since I was not responding. Eventually, they all concluded it was my fault. Even my husband. We kept tying until we got a breakthrough. By then, nothing about marriage was sweet to me anymore. Our counsellor said once we got through, the pains would stop but that didn’t happen. Since the breakthrough, our counsellor stopped paying any attention to us. I got pregnant soon after and all through the pregnancy it was a bit bearable. I also kept hubby happy by tickling his back and cuddling him which he liked so we would at least have some intimacy. I never had an infection. My opening was just too small. Hubby has to take time to massage my clit before he can penetrate. I also found out from my mum after I had delivered that I was circumcised.

I delivered and had multiple tears. While the doctor was stitched me, I overheard the nurse telling him to make it tight. I wanted to object but I felt that would be selfish of me.

The stitches took time to heal and I pleased hubby with blow jobs and just cuddling. I took it as a sacrifice as I was caring for myself and the baby as well (my mum spent just 7 weeks with me). When we resumed sex, it was another hell. The wounds had not healed properly and it was tight. Every time we have sex, I bleed and it’s worse as I don’t even have the urge. I’m always exhausted with caring for the home and baby plus running a little business I just started which takes a lot of my time. Hubby is not one for helping out with chores so it’s like I’m caring for two babies (him and the baby).

Sometimes, he makes moves after putting the baby to bed and I would have no choice but to oblige. After all the pain, he would say sorry and sleep off. I’m the one who bears the pain and still have to wake up to feed or soothe the baby.

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We have less misunderstanding whenever we have sex but I’m tired of bearing the pains, so we don’t have sex anymore. Now, he picks offence with any little thing I do and complains of no intimacy in our marriage. He says it like I’m the one with a problem.

How long do I have to bear these pains? It’s not my fault that I was circumcised. The elderly people I confided in indirectly suggest that I keep bearing the pain. Is there any hope for me to be happy and feel loved and cared for in this marriage? Has anyone gone through this before? I’m getting fed up.

View Comments (9)
  • Very typical of the Nigerian society. They will urge the woman to stay quiet and bear the pains mtschew. Our thought process in this society of ours needs a general overhaul. Instead of helping her with a solution, they would rather she dies in the pain shior. Dear poster please see a sex therapist. Plus a marriage counselor (not the pastor oh). I don’t understand why your husband is so particular about sex without caring about your feelings. I mean he should understand the pains you go through and you both seek solution. What am I even saying sef? Is he not a typical Nigerian man? Selfish and full of ego smh. Start making him help you with chores around the house. Heaven won’t fall if he helps.

  • I think you need medical intervention. Meet a gynecologist. I believe something can be done about it

  • What you need is an OBGYN, there’s no problem without a solution. But this is a really painful experience my dear.

  • This is so sad. I literally cried while reading your story. Sex is such a beautiful thing. I’m not circumcised and didn’t marry as a virgin but I actually started enjoying sex when I met my husband. I think you should see a gynaecologist to find out if the problem can be fixed. Talk to a psychologist/ sex therapist aswell. I pray you find a solution and finally embrace your sexuality. Do it for you. You have to heal first if not you will not enjoy the joy of sex or please your husband or any man. Good luck and God bless.

  • I think I understand what u r going through cos I’m experiencing similar situation. I don’t think d pain is as a result of d circumcision cos I was circumcised. D issue is frigidity and ur mindset cos d vagina is very elastic and when lubricated shd not be painful. How is ur foreplay like. What abt ur relationship with ur hubby outside d bedroom? Check out ‘unleash your sexy’ on Facebook and internet. Their courses will help. It is well with you.

  • Hello dear sis the pain is not as a result of the circumsicion I had similar experience even had tears too but its frigidity you have to work on your mindset and be more relaxed during the period then the chores do them joyfully be more happy and pray about your feelings. It helped me and I am very much better. It is well with you.

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