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Dear MIMsters: I Love My Daughter But I Don’t Want Her Mother. Is This A Crime?

Dear MIMsters: I Love My Daughter But I Don’t Want Her Mother. Is This A Crime?

I want your unbiased candid advice on this matter. Is it a crime for me to love my daughter and not her mother?

While we were at the University 8 years ago, I got my girlfriend pregnant and she had a beautiful girl. We finished school but drifted apart because she went on to do her NYSC and started working at a very good firm. She started dated other guys, at least I’m aware of two of them. She seemed to be well paid. I see pictures of her doing well on Facebook. I still continued to keep in touch with my daughter through her.

I wasn’t doing well initially. I struggled really hard, but a few years down the line, my breakthrough came. I got a job at an oil company and was transferred to its sister company in the US. I started taking better care of my daughter; changed her school to an international school. I tried to stay in my daughter’s life and we have a very beautiful relationship.

Now, the problem is my ex is trying to stage a come back. I ignored her moves but she’s gotten her mum to come and talk to me. I told her mum that I have a fiancee which is true but that doesn’t seem to stop them. As soon as they heard that I now I have a fiancee, they’ve been making it difficult for me to have access to my daughter. I used to skype with my daughter almost everyday, I got her a computer, pay her monthly internet bill so I can reach her on Skype but now, they won’t allow me.

My ex picks my calls and gives me one excuse or the other. It’s either she has gone to bed or doing home work or she’s at an aunt’s house. I don’t know. What could be going on? I love my daughter but I don’t want her mother. Is that a crime or is that enough for them to prevent me from communicating with my daughter? What should I do?

View Comments (50)
  • How will u love her daughter and u don’t want her? What were u thinking when u made her the mother of your daughter?

    • Why didn’t she stage come back whwn she got her job ? Afterall she got her job before him. Do ou think if she had been lucky to get another man all this while would she not ve gone ahead to get married ? Connecting with the child brought back old feelings , but she moved on 1st. Thats life marriage its by choice not by force.

  • Don’t mind them, they are not serious. Did she think u would never make it? So all the years she ignored u nko? Believe me, she’s staging a come back because of your money not because she loves u. I hate it when people think they can eat their cake and have it back Mtscheeeeeeewwww.

  • Message.. She dnt hv any rite to ban u frm u child seek 4 a child welfare cus its ur rite to also partake in ur child’s activities. I won’t blame nor judge u cus ur happiness might nt be wt ur baby mama so pls trend well n make de rite choice. Gudluck

  • Poster she has no right to prevent you from communicating with your daughter…if she’s not ready to make it easy for you I suggest you go to court,both of you will have equal custody or she will always spend her holidays with you..Love is not by force..if you have truly found love move on don’t let her mess it up..

  • She has not right 2 stop u fr communicating with ur daugther, just look 4 away and settle it peacefully with her cos witt d way u r sounding if u end up getting married 2 her u won’t be happy in dat marriage, I wish u all d best.

  • She didnt do well. Now dat u have money she now wnts u back. D true is dat u cant talk to ur dato without talkin to her. Pls will u not have a rethink of having her back just becos of ur dato. So u can always b with her. So she can have a better future with u in her life. I knw is hard but is somtin u can think about for ur dato sake.

  • she abandoned you because you had nothing. she doesn’t want to come back because of love, but your money. just forget her for now. an igbo proverb say ” she who holds a child’s thing and raise up her hand, when she us tired, she will bring down her hand. relax when they see that you don’t send them. they will plead with you to come and pick your child.

  • She’s a thief, she think she can eat her cake and have it.Never… Why didn’t she go and marry her boyfriends now, She’s only looking for a way to get you back all because of your money…She has no right to stop you from communicating with your daughter.

  • Women n money chaiii…..theres no doubt shes coming back bcos u are now made. Threaten her you want to take the matter to court,afterall u’ve been providing for your baby girl.

  • she has nt rite to prevent u frm seein or talkin to jr daughter,u cn get a welfare service if u cnt control it on ur own anymore

  • Na wah for the woman. She left you when you had nuthing and dating others and have you access to your daughter and now you are loaded and based in the US, all of a sudden she wants to come back. Does she think it’s that easy? If possible, have a family meeting cuz you are entitled to be in your daughters life and you have been doing do and doing it well. Good luck

  • Dear poster from the look of things they are goal diggers looking for already made. So because she has a child for you she will now compel you to marry her? That’s arrant nonsense! Look for a good lawyer and take custody of your child ASAP and forget that desperado and mum!

  • It’s easy get a lawyer and arrange legal custody sharing for your daughter

  • They are gold diggers.If u were selling recharge cards,would they do this?

  • Just get a lawyer, for the sake of your daughter, get custody. Your ex is silly, she thinks feelings are like switches that can be turned on and off?

  • this world is a wicked place. dnt mind ur ex n her mother. you too send your parent to them afterall they hv right to there grandchild too. some women mk me regret why i came as a woman.

  • My Dear ignore them for a while, you didn’t do anything wrong… If you see no charge then involve the services of the social welfare so you can have costody

  • Tell her straight that you know she’s trying to prevent you from keeping in touch with your daughter because you’ve refused her back in your life. Then give her some time, and go to court if she still continues since she wants it the hard way. Meanwhile do you have any family or friend in her city? You can ask them to drop by unannounced and se3 how your daughter is doing and they can call you up while there so you talk to your daughter. You are a good dad. Keep it up

  • My question is what was ur relationship with her after she had d baby? She may want a come back because of d happiness of ur child. Pls whatever decision u want to make consider d happiness of ur child. If u luv ur child like u said, believe me u will luv her mother too.

  • Having a baby together is definitely not a reason enough to be stuck in a loveless relationship for ever, ur daughter will grow and find her happiness and u ll still be stuck. You should move on with ur fiancé while u keep trying to connect with ur daughter and since u v bn a responsible father, the odds are in ur favour if u go to court for custody of ur child. Either way, no one can break the bond u v created with ur daughter. They are just fooling themselves. All the best.

  • From what you said, you are a good dad, try to talk some sense into her head, if she refuses take her to court and speed up your wedding with your fiancee, with that, she will understand that there is no going back. It is obvious that she is coming back cos of the money. What if God forbid the money is no longer there will she still stand by you, if you marry her. Decide wisely.

  • She has no right whatsoever to deny u access to ur dota…And its nt mandatory dat u must marry her bcs she’s d mother of ur child. Pls report to a welfare or child service unit..

  • Women! Women!! Women!!!,,,y are u guys condemning and judging dis lady like dis?…..I wish d Lady can post too… So dat people will know who to condemn and judge….as far as am concern every poster will post in his or her favour……”u love ur dota but u don’t want her mother”!

  • She Has eaten her cake and want To still ve It Bäck which is Not possible She is trying To come Bäck Not because She still love u but because u r made find a way To still communicate with u daughter

  • Na wa for the woman sef, she thinks she can eat her cake and still have it mtchew.

  • She thinks she can manipulate u wit ur daughter well get a lawyer let things be done in an official way, Goddigging thing on my mind mtcheeeew

  • U don’t av to be stuck with her bcos of ur daughter, u deserve 2 be happy too……..Just ignore them for now, legalise ur own marriage with ur fiancee and take them 2 court, u might even get the custody of the child.

  • Marriage is a life time commitment, don’t allow her into your life, get married fast. She is a desperate woman.

  • Dear poster, I want you to consider these points well.
    1. What led to the breakup?
    2. You said the child is eight right? Legally she is still a minor.
    3. The child was conceived out of wedlock and not within lawful marriage.
    4. You ” love” your child but hate the mother.
    Now I want to advice you as a lawyer who is into full scale litigation.
    First, no judge anywhere will grant total custody of a girl child to the father. He can only have visiting rights. When she comes of age ( which under Nigerian law is 18 years) she can freely choose where to stay.
    Secondly, the said mother of your child loved you enough to keep a pregnancy ” when you were practically ‘nothing'”.Where was your wealth then or do you think its every girl that can keep a pregnancy for you.
    Thirdly, I will advise you to resolve this issue amicably with your baby mama because no matter what you do in absentia for that child, she will be with her mother more. You don’t want a child who will grow up hating you right.
    Fourthly, it is a natural thing that you can’t claim you love your child but hate her mother. Its either you are showering that girl with gifts to flaunt your wealth before her mother and not because you really care or you still have feelings for the mum. Because you still keep tabs on her including knowing her “boyfriends” and all the goings on in her life. If you don’t have feelings for someone you don’t keep tabs simple.
    Fifth, all those telling you to go to court and fight for custody are ignorant of the Nigerian legal system. My dear you don’t ask for custody of a child conceived out of wedlock. You don’t even get a hearing in court because there’s no form of marriage at all, whether customarily or legally. You can only approach a welfare office for you to have access to her on visiting rights only. It will then be up to you to make your child love you so much that she will be willing to spend extended time with you. You have to make her mother happy too before you can get your child to trust you explicitly. In the strict sense of it, women are the ones majority of children listen to. This one you are almost a absentee father sef…
    Lastly, how are you sure this your present fiance will love this child like her own. My dear, no woman anywhere will give a child who is not her’s 100% love. Its pure psychology. Anyone who will claim to do so will be lying to herself. Not everyone can be a mother to a child. If you also decide to abandon the child with her mother, that child may grow up to become a future president or woman of great substance AND she will never forget.

    • You spoke my mind though not on the legal part, am surprised how it is that most of the negative comments in support of the man is from the women here. Do you not bother to ask how the woman was faring when the man had nothing not only financially but was he there for her or just pushed her aside and added pain to whatever she was going through, right now he thinks his money is the reason for most of her actions, of course she has the right to benefit now and beside has he been faithful himself for the past 8 years? I just pray she finds happy even if not with him.

  • One question, did you promised to marry her when you did not have money and she refused you? Or did you make any attempt at all and she rejects you? Well I did hear you say that, I wanted you to tell us that when you got her pregnant that you promised to marry her and she refused, if not, you cannot blame her for dating other people, well it’s your choice, I know you have affection for her before getting her pregnant, or maybe you no longer love her, but if you still love her, you can go ahead and marry her so that you can have a complete family together, after all she was your girlfriend when you had nothing or were you working when you got her pregnant? Well like I said the choice is yours to make.

  • Speed up arrangement of wedding btw u and ur fiancee stop asking or begging to see your child, send ssomebody from your family or friends to check on her so that u have a witness, you know the school fees continue sending and open a separate account to have a savings for her cos of her future. Ignore your baby mama . Marry her on the ground that u want to not bcos she made u to or bcos of your daughter.

  • This is insane, you have to strike a balance here cos no daughter will want to hear that about her mom.

  • Poster u hav not told us how your relationship was with the mother of your child wen u wer not working? I strongly feel if u related well with her then she wouldnt hav dated the two men you mentioned. If u truly love your child then u wont find it difficult to love her mother. Plse lets remember wer we are coming from. I think u should just reconcile with her sir!

  • Get a lawyer to resolve this issue……..After eight year, what has she been waiting for, she should move on, cos you don’t really love him and vice versa

  • Dnt let go of ur everytin to get her bck.afterall,u didn’t deny her as ur child.u took up responsibilities n made her comfortable so y ll d moda do dt?

  • D only comment dah z meaningful here is dat of Jennifer, al dz women r just here causing nd talking rubbish about d woman. Did d poster say wat led to d breakup nd moreover if d woman never loved him she would v gotten married all dose years d man was gone. She is a woman nd women always need a man by there side or are you telling me d man neva had gfs all dose years. We women should think twice bfor condemning dia fellow woman nd nat just to talk nd talk anyhow. If u were in her shoes u wud even do more dan she did. Sir I will advice you to make up wid d mother of ur child if you seriously claim you love your daughter so dia wud be unity and one love……wish you success. Stay Cool

  • Don’t ever have anything to do with those useless gold diggers, live your life again and find a way to communicate with your daughter again, she will definitely grow up and must hear about your love and tender care towards her, the truth must be out.

  • God bless Jennifer for that comment. Very thought-ful. Dear poster, this must be hard for you… Ask God for wisdom and direction. I pray u decide right. Best wishes

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