How What You Voice Is Different From What Your Child Hears
It’s common to hear parents voice their frustration at their children’s defiance and unwillingness to communicate. They make it seem like that child is on a mission from hell to take away their joy. But is it entirely the kid’s fault?
They say communication is effective only when the purpose of communicating has been achieved. That is, when the receiver understands and responds in an expected way. Communication can be rendered ineffective by the sender’s language and manner of approach as well as the receiver’s state of mind. In the case of parent-to-child communication, we can assert that it is the parent’s responsibility to be sensitive to the child’s state of mind or mood and to speak in such a way that the message is clear. Here are a few ways you could be contributing to your child’s difficulty in “listening” to (obeying) your “advises” and “instructions”.
You Lecture. They Zone Out.
So your child has spilled the milk or broken a neighbour’s windows with his ball. You assume he needs some talking to so you get him to sit or worse, stand, and you start this drawn out talk about how sin came into the world and caused World Wars and poverty. You connect it to the genocide in Rwanda and finally bring it home to the spilled milk before you ask the child to be more careful next time. Well, guess what? That child stopped listening to you when you were talking about the Genesis of everything. Children and even adults have a hard time paying attention when you talk for so long and without any pauses for interaction.
In summary, if you frequently lecture your kids whenever they do any thing wrong, this is what they hear: blah blah blah, yada yada blah!
You Say Too Little
Have you taken into consideration that your child’s reasoning faculties are not yet as developed as they ought to be? That’s why they need you to throw more light on exactly why you don’t want them to go out and play on the busy street. Some outspoken children will always challenge your restriction. It will be wise to take some time to explain about the dangers and perhaps offer an alternative.
However, you really can’t go on explaining the same thing over and over again. There should be a time when you stop explaining but as Nancy Samalin, author and parenting speaker advises, ask them a question in return: “You tell me, Junior, why do you think you cannot stay up late?”. With that, you can put an end to that topic. Don’t just tell them “No you can’t do that because I said so”. What they’ll hear is “I don’t care about what you want to do, I am oppressive and enjoy flexing my authority for no reason at all”. Then will come the shutting out and rebellion or worse, aggression towards you. Does this explain it adequately?
Say It Too Loud
Many parents think that something is wrong with their child’s ear drums and that’s why the kids just don’t obey instructions. As a remedy, they resort to yelling. This is wrong because your kid will only see you as being unnecessarily dramatic. Most parents are guilty of this. Maybe they think yelling at the child will weaken the child’s determination to get his/her way but it just doesn’t work that way. The child might just block out your words by zoning out. Or unconsciously imbibe that habit and next time you yell, he’s just going to yell back at you and you’ll be on your way to becoming another frustrated parent. Or worse yet, next time, they’ll just do what they want without telling you. This is dangerous place for your parent-child relationship to be in. Remember, your growing child is only following the natural order of growth to become an independent individual. They need patient, loving guidance.
Thank you MIM
Noted.
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