I am in need of serious advice on this issue that has been depressing me for a while now. I got married in 2011 and lived with my husband for less than a year before he moved to another country. Just because I can’t have a child, my husband wants to force me to do this.
Before his move, we had no issue and we had gone to doctors and had found out I needed to undergo surgery. At that time, we couldn’t afford it. After my husband moved, he did not want me to join him in the country he was in, his reason was that we cannot live together in a ‘hustling field’.
I have never met either of his parents apart from communicating with them via the phone. I only met his elder brother when I forced him to bring me to his country which he was against. When I asked him about visiting his parents, he said a prophet had warned him against going to his village, but after I left his country, he went to visit his family.
We were apart for 4 years in total and his reasons were that, he was looking for money. I assisted him mostly with his business here during this time. During this time also, I didn’t want to disturb him or put pressure on him concerning me getting the surgery because I thought he wanted to be financially stable first before we start a family. I suggested visiting him, but he turned down the idea repeatedly.
In 2016, he arranged for me to have the surgery. I was happy only for doctors to tell me that it would take a miracle for me to have a baby naturally and that I should consider IVF. I told my husband the outcome and was depressed, concerned that I took too long to go for surgery and worsened my condition as a result. I also realised it was not the issue of money that delayed us the whole time, because my husband was doing well in his business, I say so because he was buying properties back in his country.
When he came visiting, I asked him if we could go to the hospital to start plans for the IVF treatment, we went but my husband seemed disinterested. He said that it was too expensive. I told him to suspend the property he was building for my father, so we can start a family and complete the project afterwards but he refused.
He told me he was moving to another country and needed me to come live with him. I was hesitant and wanted to know what had changed since he had earlier vowed that we would not to live together in a ‘hustling field’. I eventually agreed and we moved to this new country. He would spend a month with me and leave for the previous country he lived in for three months. His reasons were all business related.
During his stay with me, I would ask about our IVF treatment but he would still say no and mentioned at a point that it was against his tradition.
On his second return trip, he told me he wanted a second wife, which I was against and begged him not to. I remember begging him to allow us try everything possible for us to have children of our own and if we exhaust all options, then he could go ahead and take a second wife, but he said “no”.
He said he was under a lot of pressure from his family to have children and I suggested he should consider having a child with my cousin or find a woman who would be in an agreement with us to get paid to bear a child for him, just to take the pressure off him, but he still said “no”. He also turned down my proposition for an adoption.
There is this particular woman whose contact is on his phone. She had my husband’s image as her profile picture, and her status was, “Daddy, we miss you”.
I confronted my husband about the woman but he told me she was a married woman with 3 kids, and that she was assisting him with business in the other country where he was based. I then asked him why she put up his image alongside that status update, but he said she must have forgotten to change the update after she changed her husband’s picture on her profile.
He pleaded and promised me that it’s not what I thought, he called the woman and she immediately removed his picture. I had sent her warning messages not to break my home. Her reply was I was lucky and nothing was going on between her and my husband.
My husband started telling me how she has been of help to him, so I stopped insulting her and was grateful that she was of actual help, not having an affair with my husband as I had thought. I completely put the matter to rest.
To be continued