On what basis do you make someone your friend? Below is a twitter thread about friendship that every woman needs to read.
According to @DoreenGLM, friendship as an adult needs to be evaluated without sentiments.
”I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life, when I thought women didn’t make the very best of friends. Every time I hear/read someone say/write, “Women are not as good friends as men are” I realize why they think that, because I know so many women, whose idea of a female friend is built on nothing substantial.
All surface level investments. I know women who befriend each other because they look good in pictures together, or because they are both popular and thus, should be friends. I also know women, who yearn to be another woman’s friend, for where it could possibly take them.
There are also friendships forged in pry/secondary school, when we had no choice but to befriend the girls that we saw everyday, that are extended far beyond it’s expiration date. There are women who do friendships in such a calculated way.
They think they should have female friends, so they do. They pick their friends based on who they believe they should be friends with, rather than because they share a significant connection. Friendships are relationships, and just like romantic relationships, it requires more than just surface interactions,
there has to be something more…trust, shared commonalities, an immediate comfort that is indescribable..perhaps a sort of deja vu, that person has to feel like someone you already know. That energy is important and has always been a signifier.
READ ALSO: The 5 Types Of Friends Every Mum Should Have
For who could be a close lasting friend. I am so sensitive to it, that I know immediately who I can be close friends with, and who I should keep at bay. Women are not automatically supposed to be “best friend” options, without factoring in How your energies collide.
How it feels around that person matters, is it a two way connection? or is it just you, knocking hard at a door because you REALLY want this person to be your friend? Are you being hounded by someone wanting to be your friend? You feel weird about it,
But to be “nice”, you start hanging out with the person, even though your guard is up. Just like romantic relationships, if you feel weird about a friendship, it is best to not proceed to anything beyond cordiality. Trust your instincts. Just like romantic relationships, if you have to work too hard at the friendship, it’s probably just not working.
Make a final decision and keep it moving. I am not humble about who I am, so I will speak plainly. I attract friends easily, people generally have always wanted to be my friend. I had letters written to me by girls, from pry to junior sec sch, “Doreen, please can we be friends?”
And because back then, I was worried about not appearing nice, it was so important to me that girls liked me, I would try to honor their requests, by being friends with almost everybody. And doing that exposed me to all types of crap as expected.
It used to be difficult for me to walk away or be confrontational to friends who did/said harmful things, because I genuinely didn’t know how to, and I depended on the comfort of having friends, regardless of how good they were.
I stayed friends with a girl who snipped off half of my ponytail in Junior sec school, because “she was tired of people complimenting it”. She was my “bully friend”, the girl you try to shake off because you know she secretly hates you, but doesn’t budge because she is invested in the popularity stake of being friends with you.
High school was full of a ton of those, and back then, you just had to have those friends, because you saw them everyday…and somehow it made sense to withstand tortuous friendships. As an adult, there is no reason for That.
If you have a friend that you keep in your life because of the length of time you have known each other, but the friendship even back then, wasn’t good, and now, still isn’t…what is the point of holding on to it? Friends that don’t add anything positive to your life will have you thinking this is what defines a friendship.
It is not. A relationship with a person who doesn’t care about you, or wants the best for you, will always be toxic….romantically or platonically. It has nothing to do with female friendships as a whole, and everything to do with the type of women you call friends.
I have a friend who makes the OG statement periodically about some of her friends. While she has a group of close friends dear to her, she mostly hangs out with women just as beautiful as her. She loves beautiful women and the high of walking into a room together, turning heads.
When she regales me with tales of betrayals in her friendships, because she invests emotionally in them, despite not connecting on anything more than being physically appealing and having fun, I am just like…
Y’all are not connected, nor are you in a relationship, this is a situationship…you like the way they look, they like the way you look, stop expecting anything more from them than what attracted you to them. I have all sorts of friends and they are categorized.
Deeper connection friends are put in a different box, than “fun” friends, “work” friends,”cool” friends, “tea” friends, “feminist” friends, “patriarchy princess” friends, and of course my all rounder friends, who possess all those attributes – see deeper connection friends.
Just like romantic relationships, you build only on what has a solid foundation. And you know who does because it feels natural. You don’t have to be anyone else but yourself around these people. You can be honest and they will understand. My friends know the level of broke that I sometimes get to as a creative.
They know the lows and talk me off the ledge frequently. They celebrate my wins with me and I do the very same for them. We may have disagreements here and there but ultimately, we work to respect each other’s boundaries because we are invested in a lasting connection. It is important to us to remain friends.
Anyone who can be careless with your friendship, and expose you or talk smack about you or fuck your man, or whatever awful crap “friends” do…at this stage of adulthood, needs to be immediately ghosted
Some girl tweeted the other day, “There are some friends you can’t leave around your man”…umm say what sis? Who are those friends? And why are they even your friends? Clearly you have trust issues with said person, and whether or not she will actually do anything is trash
From both your perspectives. If she is the type of person that will, then she is not good enough to be your friend. And if you don’t know she actually will, but you are projecting your insecurities on her, because she is attractive, then you don’t deserve to be her friend.
Every connection you make in your life should be carefully assessed, categorized accurately, and beneficial to you BOTH mutually and realistically. Leading with this mindset while engaging in relationships, will help you lead a much easier and non stressful life.”