John Anifowose & Wife’s Story: 7 Practical Tips On How To Cope When Your Spouse Is Away
When John Anifowose (not real name), a 30-year-old engineer in an oil and gas servicing company in Lekki, Lagos, was promoted after six years of working at the company, he and his wife, a 26-year-old chef in the city, were extremely happy.
It was a moment they had long expected and it came when they looked forward to having their first child, two years after their wedding.
“The salary upgrade and other benefits that came with the promotion were going to be helpful a lot as we expected the baby. This was in June 2017,”
John told PUNCH.
However, the excitement that came with John’s promotion waned a bit for his wife when the company informed him that his promotion also attracted an 18 months mandatory training in the United Kingdom, meaning that he was going to be away for one and half years from his wife. John added:
“It was a bittersweet moment for Juliet (his wife –coined name). The promotion was definitely good news, but considering that we just got married and it was at a time we were expecting a baby, it made it seem as if it was bad news that I just got a promotion.
“I was going to miss the birth of my first child and more importantly, I was not going to be there for my wife. We were going to be separated for 18 months, and it made it look like the company had done us a bad thing.”
After days of moodiness at home, John and his wife braced up for the coming months of separation, knowing that there was nothing they could do to change the situation unless he wanted to turn down his promotion which was unthinkable.
Eventually, he travelled to the UK for the training, after his wife made him promise they would always video-chat at least three times a day throughout his stay abroad, among other pre-travel arrangements. John said,
“I also had to plead with my mother to stay with my wife throughout my stay abroad as Juliet had lost her mother when she was in the university. Thankfully too, my wife’s sister was staying with us, so she would not feel too lonely.”
Throughout his stay in the UK, John said he kept in touch with his wife every day, which made the separation not to become tough for both of them.
“We devised some strategies to cope while away, but most importantly, I’d say communication is the key factor,” he added.
READ ALSO: Experts’ Tips On How To Make Your Distance Relationship Work
For couples who are in or might be in the shoes of John and Juliet, marriage counsellors have recommended the following seven coping strategies during such period.
Communicate often
A marriage counsellor based in Lagos, Dr Ronke Babatunde, said couples not together for some time for one reason or the other should communicate often. She said:
“Communication is the most important ingredient of a healthy relationship, and it’s definitely the best way for couples to stay close when separated for some time.”
She also advocated the use of technology during the period for bonding and not leaving a loophole for a third party to exploit. Babatunde added,
“When couples live together, I usually caution against the use of excess technology such as social media, but face-to-face conversations.
“However, technology becomes important when couples are separated. They should use it to their advantage. They can schedule date nights using video conferencing apps like FaceTime, Skype or WhatsApp.
“When cooking, praying, lying in bed or even while in the bathroom, they can do video calls. This brings them closer even though they are miles apart.”
Always display your spouse’s photos
A clinical psychologist based in California, United States of America, Dr Ryan Howes, recommended that couples should always display their spouses’ pictures when not together because it could help in keeping one another’s memory alive.
Howes emphasised in a HuffPost article that the saying ‘out of sight is out of mind’ might hold true for long-distance couples, hence the need to always keep the pictures of one another in sight. He said,
“Silly as it may sound, many experts recommend displaying photos of you and your loved one in a spot that is regularly in your field of view. The idea is that ‘out of sight, out of mind’ may have some validity, so keeping a photo of your partner in view helps keep them alive and well in your psyche.
“It will take much more than your wedding photo to keep your union strong. But it doesn’t hurt to have a visual reminder of their existence handy as proof that they do exist and that you are in love.”
Don’t make assumptions
A US-based marriage and family therapist, Carin Goldstein, said it would be wrong to make false assumptions as a result of insecurity that could arise when couples were miles away. She said,
“There is something to be said for reading body language, facial expressions and others. When the only form of interaction is text, email and phone, it is easy to make assumptions that your spouse is not available or interested in being present with you.
“Throw in some fatigue and you and your spouse may sound completely disconnected. That said, it is crucial to keep in check any insecurities one may be feeling about the distance and agree to make regular check-ins with each other to not create false assumptions.”
Act like you live together
Kurt Smith, a marriage counsellor in the US, stated that distance between couples might create division if care was not taken, hence the need to always act as if they (couples) were living together even when they were not. He said,
“The long distance naturally creates two different lives. It’s easy for those different lives to create division and separation that is destructive to your relationship.
“Acting like you were living in the same house can minimise this problem. Ask yourself how you would act if you were living together. Would you send a text that the dentist appointment is running late? Tell her that your boss had surgery?
“If you don’t send a text about something right away, then make a list of things to share when you talk so you don’t forget to bring your partner up on all of your day’s events. Making this a habit builds connection that overcomes the disconnect that naturally accompanies the long distance.”
SEE ALSO: 3 Practical Tips To Help You & Your Spouse Survive As A Couple During These Uncertain Times
Prioritise trust
Marriage counsellor and co-author of ‘The Everything Great Marriage Book,’ Sheri Striof, wrote in Very Well Mind magazine that it was important for couples who were not together to be committed to one another and truly believed in their marriage.
“Be open about your separate social activities. Secrets breed mistrust, but when your partner knows what you are doing, they will feel more connected to you, even from far away,”
she said.
“Your long-distance marriage will fail if there is a lack of trust between you. Be honest about your concerns and fears about your separation,” she added. Striof also advised couples not to assume that infidelity would occur because of their physical separation.
“Most long-distance marriages do not have to deal with this heartache because of the love and commitment the spouses feel for one another,” she said.
Keep your business between the two of you
A marriage therapist and pastor based in Ibadan, Oyo State, Timothy Olawale, said when couples who were physically separated faced challenges, they should discuss together and not with outsiders like friends or relatives.
He said,
“It might be tempting to go outside of the relationship and turn to others for advice, validation and so on. However, seeking third party opinions can sometimes heighten feelings and frustrations.
“No third party can ever understand the intricacies of your marriage more than the two of you, so give each other the benefit of the doubt and lean on each other. This tip is also for couples who live together.”
Set clear rules and boundaries
Marriage therapists and co-heads of Couples Therapy at Weill Cornell Medicine, New York, US – Dr Phillip Lee and Dr Diane Rudolph–advised couples who are not away from one another not do anything that they wouldn’t want their spouses to see on social media. That is what could make their partners feel uncomfortable or threatened.
“You don’t need to get approval from your partner for every social interaction. But you should set clear boundaries and rules that work for both of you and adhere to them,”
they wrote in TIME magazine.
In addition, the clinical psychologist based in California, Howes, advised couples to set an end date to their distance.
He said,
“If you’re away on business, private or professional, try your best to establish an end date. Many people can withstand distance from their loved one, but this becomes incredibly difficult if the end date is a mystery.’’
Howes added that it was vital to find out when the end date would come and arrange their efforts accordingly. “We can all suck it up and roll solo for a period of time but knowing the end helps you deal with these issues together,” he noted.
According to Carolin Lehmann at HuffPost, while a long-distance marriage may not be what you imagined when you said, “I do,” it is the reality for many people.
“Whether due to deployment with the military, a company move or a family emergency, long-distance relationships can work. It just takes effort and communication,”
she added.