Bosun Ololade (not real name) had only spent a few weeks in marriage when he started lamenting about how he always had to preach “long sermons” before his wife would agree to them having sex.
“She loved sex, no doubt; and she still does. But getting her in the mood for it was the issue. She was not the type that would make advances,”
Ololade told Saturday PUNCH recently.
In that period of their marriage, the 34-year-old microbiologist said he led a frustrated life as his wife never showed any excitement whenever it was time for sex.
“My wife would never make advances, and even when I did, she would display some funny gestures to show she wasn’t ready for sex.
“However, if I succeeded in making her have sex, she would tell me how much she enjoyed it. And I would think, ‘Why then do you usually do as if I’m forcing you to have sex with me.’”
Ololade said it took some reading up to know how to get his wife in the mood for sex, and that since arming himself with the tips, he had been having sexual intimacy with his wife.
According to Gillian Francella and Zachary Zane, both of Men’sHealth magazine, it doesn’t take much to get a man to start thinking about sex – adding that most men can get erect by merely looking at a woman’s breasts. But it’s a little more complicated for women.
“Scientifically speaking, certain critical switches must be triggered before your wife’s brain orders the release of the vasoactive intestinal peptide; the chemical that increases blood flow to the pelvic area, swelling her inner and outer labia and causing her to feel the gnawing tension of sexual desire,”
the authors explained.
They stated that there were two “overarching components” to turning one’s partner on.
“The first is to start outside of the bedroom.
When you give yourself an entire day to turn your partner on, as opposed to 15 minutes with your clothes off, you have a much better chance that your partner will be in the mood (and will also orgasm).
Thus, throughout the day, help your partner feel loved, desired, and sexy, and she’ll be reared up and ready to go the moment you two set foot in the bedroom,”
They said the second thing was to focus on intimacy and emotional connection.
“Sex isn’t all about the physical aspects, especially when you’re in a long-term, committed relationship with your partner.
connected, loved, and desired all impact if she’ll get turned on and if your partner will want to have sex with you,”
the authors noted.
For a partner who doesn’t get easily turned on, the experts suggested the following 15 ways to get them in the mood for sex.
1. Hold hands
There are over 40,000 nerve endings in the palm of your partner’s hand. Don’t be afraid to gently take hold of it as you’re walking across the street or watching a movie. Besides, hand holding is objectively adorable. It’s a subtle form of PDA (public display of affection) that shows you really do love your partner, and you’re not afraid who else sees that.
2. Gaze into each other’s eyes
“Eye gazing can be very sensual and is a great way to increase arousal,” a sex and relationship expert, Shamyra Howard, wrote on menshealth.com.
“Choose a time when you both are feeling relaxed. Then take two minutes to stare into each other’s eyes without talking. Go ahead and discuss the experience afterwards.
“Allow yourselves to be vulnerable, accept the awkwardness you might feel, laugh, and return to each other’s eyes.
Eye gazing is actually a fundamental component of tantric sex because it’s such a powerful and effective way to enhance intimacy.
3. Hug each other
“People often mention that they would like more physical affection from their partner that doesn’t include sex,”
Howard explained, adding,
“Next time you’re with your partner, share a hug for 20 seconds.”
“Hugs are soothing, increase connection, and they don’t have to lead to sex. The point is to show how much you desire your partner outside of a sexual setting, which, ironically, will be a turn on for your partner to have more sex!”
4. Dim the lights
There’s no physiological response – at least sexually – to low light, but according to sex researcher and author, Dr Ian Kerner, turning down the lights can make people feel less self-conscious, and thus more relaxed. Putting that dimmer switch to good use is a no-brainer.
5. Watch a romantic movie
Research has also suggested that romantic movies can heighten arousal in many women. According to an author based in The Netherlands, Dr Marieke Dewitte, women’s sexual motivation can tend to stem from relationship-based content rather than from scenes that are overtly sexual, which are what tend to get men revved up.
Similarly, it’s advised that couples should always go on a date.
Dating doesn’t have to stop after the wedding; it should be a continuous process, according to psychologist and marriage therapist, Dr Jacqui Gabb, of the Open University, United Kingdom.
“Even if your spouse doesn’t want to get busy under the sheets, it doesn’t mean they don’t want you close. So plan date nights, weekend trips or even an evening walk with your partner, and make cuddling and kissing a priority. Non-sexual closeness is important in relationships and can build other forms of intimacy,”
Gabb wrote in Men’sHealth.
6. Give a massage
Using your own hands to give your partner an erotic massage – that is, a massage that releases tension and turns her on – won’t hurt your cause, either. You can read tips or watch YouTube videos on how to give your spouse a massage if you didn’t know how to do it.
7. Send flirty texts
Instead of trying to turn her on over the course of a few minutes, turn her on slowly throughout the day. You know your partner better than anyone, so hopefully, you have a sense of how overtly sexual you should be, but if you aren’t 100 per cent confident, start off with cute, innocuous texts like, “Can’t wait for you to come home tonight.” Over the course of the day, let the conversation naturally evolve to a more sexual level: “It’s going to be so sexy having your naked body next to mine” – or something along those lines.
8. Water creates relaxing effects
Take a stroll along a beach, a lake, or a river. Sit next to a birdbath. Fill up the tub. Francella and Zane cited studies showing that simply being in the proximity of water could create a relaxing effect that might clam any libido-killing jitters.
“It’s probably not a coincidence that commercials for erectile dysfunction medication feature so many shots of couples walking down the coast or gazing out at the ocean,”
the authors said.
9. Seek thrills
Activities that produce adrenaline make us hyperaware. Breathing quickens and the heart begins to race, things that are also associated with sexual arousal. Roller coasters, zip lines, and scary movies can all be a turn-on. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology even found that couples who participated in such novel activities experienced greater overall relationship quality, which of course translates into the bedroom. Just make sure both of you can hold your lunch down before strapping into anything extreme.
10. Break cucumber in the kitchen
Certain scents trigger sexual arousal, but which scents do the trick can differ for men and women, according to research conducted by Dr Alan Hirsch, the Director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, Illinois, United States.
What aromas usually turn women on? Hirsch found that cucumber and liquorice lead to increased vaginal blood flow.
11. Feed your spouse’s fantasies
According to a report in the Journal of Sex Research, women think about sex an average of 19 times a day. According to a Men’s Health survey, one in three women has in mind something they’ve been dying to try in bed but are scared to bring up when things start to get hot under the covers.
There are plenty of ways to let your partner know you’re open to indulging her fantasies. Ask her if there’s anything adventurous she’s been itching to try in the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to communicate.
12. Get sweaty
Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found out that physical activity is able to prime a person’s body for sexual activity. It makes the body more sensitive to touch by revving up a network of neurons known as the sympathetic nervous system, which controls arousal.
So, go for a run, take a bike ride, hit the gym. Activities outside can lead to activities in the bedroom.
13. Pick up a mop
According to the Journal of Family Issues, couples that clean together report more relationship satisfaction. The study’s author, Dr Adam Galovan, said that wives could equate their husbands’ level of interest in helping out around the house with their level of interest in them.
Additionally, a Lagos-based marriage counsellor, Pastor Bosun Omoyeni, said sometimes, simple gestures like getting one’s spouse a gift, even if it’s small, could arouse their sex mood.
“For instance, a man can pick up his wife’s favourite chocolate or ice cream on the way home from work.
This can go a long way in igniting sex drive in many women. Some men want to enjoy sex with their wives but they don’t know how to ignite it. Investing in one’s wife is a continuous process.
“Similarly, a woman should learn to invest in her husband. Getting his favourite cologne or snack or any other thing can spark his sex drive.
It’s not every issue in a marriage that requires fasting or prayer. Some issues can be resolved quickly by just changing one’s behaviour.”
14. Schedule short-term sex break
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. By that same token, abstinence can make the sex grow stronger. Experts said that taking a short-term break from all forms of sex could help both spouses rediscover the thrill of the chase.
15. Get some sleep
A study conducted by researchers at the University of Michigan found that a good night’s sleep can boost a woman’s libido. After participants tracked their sleep and sex drives for two weeks, the study concluded that for women who are in a relationship, an extra hour of sleep increased their desire for sex the next day by 14 percent.
“The driving force could be biological,” said the study author, Dr. David Kalmbach.
“Some prior research has shown that sleep increases sex hormones, which can influence feelings of sexual desire.”