From Their 25-Year Marital Experience, The Ogwuches Share Same Some Roadmaps To Follow In Handling Conflicts In The Home

Mr Festus: She’s very much of a church person. And, my late mother was, at the time, the President of the Catholic Women Organisation for the parish. And there happened to be a ceremony that was organised for the parish, a building launch.

She was one of those that came to cook for guests. That wasn’t the first time I would see her, anyway, but that was the closest. I took a good look at her. Before then, I had seen her in church and along the road. But I never comprehended her charm and beauty until I did so from a close range.

That day, I was enthralled by her natural beauty. I sat down in one corner and busied my eyes with watching the diligence with which she went about the kitchen duties. I was highly impressed. I did not hesitate to inform my mum of my observations and feelings. And this sparked up some excitement in her. That was where the journey started.

Mrs Patience: Nothing much to add, just that when he told me about his plans, I was not excited. Rather, I was reserved and kept it to myself and prayed over it. God gave me an answer immediately.

How did you propose to her?

Mr Festus: There was no dating. My mum invited her over one beautiful Saturday and we sat and chatted for a while as we played Ludo. I noted her warmth and sweetness. I also took in the gap in her teeth and her soft eyes and immediately broke my feelings.

She didn’t show any excitement but remained her natural self and it was like she went into her shell and stopped talking. I noticed that she was no longer disposed to further discussion. Thereafter, she excused herself to help my mum in the kitchen. When she later left, that was it.

The next time we met, she was a bit more open, and that was when we hit the road. I quietly made the proposal. This time, there was a smile and a look of radiance all over her face.

How did you feel when he proposed to you?

Mrs Patience: I was excited because of the revelation. He made the proposal in the manner that I expected. But I kept it to myself and prayed over it until his mother came to my parents with some kola nuts to traditionally inform them of their intentions.  

My dad asked after her son. And, she said he had gone back to school. He demanded a written note from her son indicating his consent before he could give his blessing. This was after enquiring from me if I had said yes to my suitor.

What did you see in her that made you decide to marry her?

Mr Festus: Like every other male, I played around a lot in my younger days. I was almost tagged a Casanova! But I noticed a remarkable difference in her that spurned a great passion in me, admirable and positive attributes that no one could ignore.

She’s a queen in her own right and adorned with the most exquisite royal and divine apparel of femininity. She was outstanding in certain innate qualities which she manifested in her character, wisdom and knowledge.

Her uniquely elegant disposition crystallised her inner strength and beauty. She literally changed me from the wild ways of my youth to the perfect family man that I’ve turned out to be.

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What attracted him to you to make you accept his marriage proposal?

Mrs Patience: Initially, although I considered him a proud person, his knowledge, wisdom, and lifestyle attracted him to me. When I got closer, I discovered that it was not pride at all, but rather certain qualities that defined his sense of dignity.

How did your parents receive the news?

Mr Festus: My father died when I was a toddler, so it was about my mum who also passed on sometime in 2010. She had wished that all her three children, all male, would end up with good homes to continue the family legacy. Like I earlier said, she was highly excited when I gave her my piece of mind on my feelings.

She enquired over and over again, waking me up in the early hours of the day to confirm my decision. She wanted to be sure, fearing that I could decline in the middle of the road. She knew how radicalised I was and she was being cautious of getting herself involved in such a delicate venture that could affect her great reputation.

Madam, how about your parents?

Mrs Patience: They were joyous, particularly the day my mother-in-law came for the traditional knocking on the door. My husband is a well-bred respectable person from a prominent family and anybody would be happy to get a suitor from such a home.

What was your first misunderstanding in the marriage and how did you resolve it?

Mr Festus: We had this group where we engage ourselves in deep intellectual discussions with very seasoned professionals somewhere in Port Harcourt town. It was at our usual joint along Niger Street. The Niger Delta poet, David Diai, was at the table that particular night and so also was Ogbonna Nwuke, a couple of white folks, and several other hard-nut idealists.

I guessed it was about the emerging issues surrounding the then-nascent democracy and the concerns about the hiccups and impunity they were generating. The debates went on and on over beer and suya and nobody knew it had hit 3 am. Port Harcourt was very safe then.

I managed to get to the house and met everywhere locked from the gate. I knocked and knocked. I shook the gate to its foundations. I noticed some movement inside the house. And I knew that she was awake. It is just she did not want to let me in, apparently to teach me a lesson.

When I was let into the house, a quarrel was inevitable and it almost turned into a fight. We thereafter apologised to each other.

Mrs Patience: I waited for his return one Saturday night up till sometime past midnight, and I dozed off. I did not know that he would come home later. He entered the house raking and calling me all manner of names. I got angry and started my own too.

How do you pacify your wife whenever you have offended her?

Mr Festus: I crack jokes and when that does not work, I dance kokoma for her. Sometimes, I call on the children to gather around so we all can sing and dance for her. When it gets to a certain level that I cannot control, I play her favourite songs. I mean some Christian songs by Don Moen, Sinach, Mbaka and Chinyere Udoma. She also likes jazz particularly Brian Culbertson, Nicholas Cole and George Benson.

How do you handle the situation when you’ve offended your husband and he is angry?

Mrs Patience: When he’s offended, I keep quiet and won’t talk. Talking to him ignites his anger the more. Later, when he’s calm and his mood has stabilised, I apologise to him, if, indeed I offended him.

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What do you call your spouse?

Mr Festus: I come from a community where two languages are spoken: Igala and Idoma. But we are essentially Igala. So, I call her all manner of names and titles from both lingual ends – Iye, Eemi, Omaye, Okube-aada, Enem and sometimes, I plunge into Igbo vocabulary to call her Oyooyo.

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What is your perception of marriage?

Mr Festus: Marriage is divine, sacred and beautiful.

Mrs Patience: Marriage is fulfilling. It is the highest level of relationship one can indulge in. And being ordained by God, there’s a divine inherent in its essence, celebration and consummation.

What advice do you have for a prospective bachelor?

Mr Festus: You cannot be a playboy and get a good wife. No! You must seek the face of God in choosing your partner and you must be sincere with every move or advance you make in such direction.

What would you like to tell a spinster planning to marry?

Mrs Patience: To be prayerful and devoted to God and to exhibit good character that would attract the right suitor to her. In this sense, she must try as much as possible to be impeccable in her manners.

With the rampant cases of divorce in the society, how can couples experience peace in their union?

Mr Festus: Marriage is the coming together as one of two different people from different backgrounds, orientations and pedigrees. It takes patience, understanding, trust and tolerance for couples to sail through its rigours and challenges.

Mrs Patience: There must be love between them. Troublesome marriages are those that are founded upon material things, obsession and shaky foundations. Peace in marriage is guaranteed if the spouses have forgiving spirits and are ready to let go of certain things

What is the secret of your apparently successful marriage?

Mrs Patience: Love, trust and forgiveness.

What is that thing in your spouse you would want God to change (if possible)?

Mr Festus: She has anger issues and it’s my prayer that she would be able to control her emotions. She also spends too much time on church activities. I find this very irritating sometimes.

Mrs Patience: He seldom goes to church, and even if he does, he’s always the first to leave. He loves God though and worships him fervently. But the whole sacrifice of God is in the church. I know that God will give him the direction someday.

What is your spouse’s dislike and how do you avoid it?

Mr Festus: She abhors alcohol and cigarettes, and her insistence completely took me out of that indulgence. I’m forever grateful to her for that.

She gets upset when I decline to follow up with her on religious activities. The church is her passion and she never tires of it. She can do church activities for Africa, which is one sore point that I find difficult to reconcile.

Mrs Patience: He hates someone exchanging words and talking back at him for any reason. I try to avoid long harsh arguments with him.