How I Befriended My Husband’s Mistress

Why would anyone think of befriending their husband’s mistress? This is the story of a divorced mum on her journey to closure as written by Erin Silver.

My heart was galloping inside my chest. It made sense, considering what I was about to do. Any minute now, she would walk through the doors, and I would finally come face-to-face with the woman who had trotted off into the sunset with my husband, making me a single mother to my two little boys.

Two years earlier, I’d learned about her existence in a private investigator’s report. I remember staring at her black-and-white image, too shell-shocked to cry. She was photographed walking toward my husband’s hotel room door, overnight bag in hand, a pillow tucked under her arm.

“Don’t you know that hotels have pillows?” I’d wanted to shout, but it was pointless. I had to swallow my pride and move on.

My husband didn’t make it easy. A few days after I’d seen the report, he confessed to his year-long affair and asked me to give our marriage another try. “I made a mistake,” he said. “I’ll come home earlier from now on, we’ll have dinner together, we can be a family.”

My gut told me this was all wrong; that if he really loved me, he would never have had an affair in the first place. I felt beaten and betrayed, unloved and unloveable, but I knew I deserved better. Divorce was our only option.

After Everything Changed

I spent the next two years moving through a variety of stages — grief, despair, anger and sadness. But I was determined to get stronger, to turn my life around. My boys were only two and three at the time of my separation; if they were going to have a chance of being spared the ill-effects of divorce, they needed a happy mom. I began seeing a therapist, exercising, and wearing better clothes. I traveled with my boys, figured out my finances, found a lawyer, dated, and then I met someone whom I knew would never lie to me or treat me poorly.

By now, my ex and his mistress-turned-girlfriend were living together, and my kids were spending time with her. She bought them toys and clothes; she vacationed with them. They came home with stories of how she said “booger” with an “ooo” sound instead of the softer “uh.” I responded, “That’s so funny!”

But inside I hated her. I hated her for laying eyes on my husband in the first place; for not giving a shit if he was married with kids; for keeping him out until 6 a.m. while I was home, helpless and hysterical; for making me a single mother; for changing the course of my children’s lives and breaking our family unit.

I was left to wonder: Was she thinner than me? Prettier? What did she have or know or do that I didn’t? I’d avoided meeting her for a million reasons. How would it feel when I looked her in the eye? Was I strong enough to shake her hand? Would I scream at her? Slap her? Thank her for taking a cheating husband off my hands?

All I knew was that somehow I needed closure. Then one day, I was in a 40-day personal growth course at my yoga studio, which was like a big group therapy session. When everybody went around and state what we hoped to accomplish during the course (lose weight, accept themselves, be kinder to a spouse, etc.), I knew what I had to say. I’d put it off, but the time had come. To truly move forward in my life, to shake off my past like a dog shakes the rain, I needed to meet the woman at the center of it all.

Everyone clapped for me when I was done sharing and I felt like the biggest loser, but after that I had no choice. They were holding me accountable. I had to meet her, and it was truly the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life.

The Big Showdown

Yet now, as I waited for her at Starbucks, my heart hammering in my chest, I was scared. She was older than me, yes, but she didn’t have kids, which meant her boobs probably didn’t sag, even without a bra. Her stomach was probably flat and unscarred, unlike mine. After two C-sections, the jagged line from one hip bone to the other had faded, but not disappeared. I bet she liked to wear high heels even during the day. I looked down at my running shoes, and my thoughts swirled out of control. I was transported to the times my ex-husband disappeared on weeklong work trips or business dinners every other night of the week. The feelings I’d tried so hard to overcome surged back, feelings of being unwanted, unloved, and unloveable.

I wiped the palms of my hands along the sides of my workout pants. Up and down. Up and down. “Breathe, Erin. Breathe,” I coached myself. “In and out. In and out. It’s all you need to do.”

I heard the blood pulsing. Felt the thumping of my heart. I pushed my tongue up hard against the roof of my mouth, a I trick I learned recently in an assertiveness-training course. I pushed harder until my throat hurt.

“I got this,” I told myself. “Scared is good. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok.”

I opened the plastic lid of my chai tea and inhaled the sweet and spicy aroma of cinnamon and cardamom. I could feel my heart rate start to steady. When I looked up, she was standing a table length away. I knew instinctively it was her. I looked directly into her green eyes, stuck out my hand and smiled. In an instant, I’d taken in all the details: her full smile, shiny dark hair, and perfect white-manicured nails. She was wearing a toque, plaid shirt and skinny jeans tucked into motorcycle boots. After a tumultuous two years of exhausting divorce negotiations and mounting lawyer bills, countless therapy sessions, and the pressures of having to forge a new life as a dating-working-single mother to two boys, I was face-to-face with my arch nemesis.

That’s when I surprised myself.

“Thank you for taking such good care of my kids when they are with their dad,” I told her warmly. “I know my boys can be a handful, and I’m happy you’re there to help.”

These words flowed from my mouth unexpectedly, and I realized I’d meant them. Wouldn’t it be better to have four eyes watching my kids instead of two, four hands to keep my boys safe? I had built her up in my mind. I blamed her for clawing away at my self-worth, but what did I have to gain by being angry or continuing to point fingers? I wanted to let it go. To wash my anger off my skin.

I realized in that instant that they were a better fit for each other, too. My boyfriend and I revolve around our families and our kids; we love dinners at home and spending weekends and vacations together. My ex and his girlfriend enjoy fancy vacations and expensive clothes. We just have different lifestyles and priorities. I decided to forgive her and finally be at peace with myself. The hatred burst into nothingness, just like a balloon. I had at last come to terms with my divorce.

The next day, I drove to the department of motor vehicles, filled out the name change forms, and waited for my number to be called. My hands fumbled the pen, and they shook as I signed my original signature for the first time in 10 years. Then I took my wedding bands — two beautiful diamond eternity bands — to a jeweler and traded them in for a pair of diamond earrings without thinking twice.

Since that day in Starbucks, I’ve chosen to befriend her in a way. I always include her at my children’s birthday parties; I’ve invited her into my house, and I’ve been to hers. We are friendly when we chat — we talk about Lululemon, the kids, working out, and so on. She helped my boys pick out an engraved Tiffany’s necklace for me Valentine’s Day last year, and she helped my youngest son make me a painting. This past summer, I got my boys a puppy, but when the responsibility became too much, we gave it to her parents, complete with all his toys, food and vaccinations. She makes sure my kids still get to see their beloved dog.

We are not a big, happy family, and we certainly don’t double date. We came together by odd and unfortunate circumstances. But now, I realize, at least, that we are all on the same team.