Dear MIMsters: How Living With My Husband Has Been a Nightmare
I’m about to make a life changing decision and need urgent advice because my life is now a nightmare.
I have been married for 6 years but the last four years have been like a nightmare. I married my now 45 year old husband at 22 and we dated for 4 years before marriage. My family has been very supportive throughout these years even though they were highly against our union at first due to so many issues I don’t want to bore you with.
My husband had to go back to school to get a degree since he had none and my parents footed the bills – they provided everything he needed and he has just graduated. I have a job with the state government and have been working for almost four years now but my parents decided to assist with his degree because they felt it will be too much responsibility for me since we have two kids aged 5 and 2 years that I have take care of.
So, all through our marriage, I have been the breadwinner, paying school fees, feeding and footing all sorts of bills. I must say it hasn’t been easy.
To add pain to injury, for reasons I can’t fathom, my relationship with my husband has been estranged for the last four years. He started seeing me as an enemy and distanced himself from me all of a sudden. So much that we became like strangers living under one roof. I have been insulted, mocked and humiliated even in front of strangers at the slightest provocation and sometimes, physically abused. Throughout the period of his studies, despite catering for the home, he never appreciated me.
I’m not saying I’m perfect but I have tried my best to make my marriage work. No one knew what I was going though as I bottled up all my pains. And I tell you that it has been hell. I even lost a lot of weight in the process and despite trying very hard to be cheerful, people often asked if I was alright. I suffered physically, emotionally and psychologically and became a bitter person – I even transferred the aggression to my kids whom I love and cherish with my life.
I endured all for the sake of my kids whom I wanted to preserve a good home for. Secondly, it did because of all my parents have put into this marriage for my sake – I didn’t want to put them to shame but I have now thought about it and decided those reasons are not the right ones to stay in a marriage. I have realized my happiness and sanity matters too and in fact my life because there are times I have felt like killing myself because of the pain.
I can’t believe the man I gave up everything to be with would treat me like this as I put my parents through hell because of this man. I disrespected and went against their will and so much more but I can’t continue this way anymore. I can’t let my life waste away because I want to preserve a marriage that has cost me nothing but pain. I want to quit.
I have already told him my decision and it led to a huge fight because he insists I won’t leave with the kids. I said ‘over my dead body’, and he beat me up. I subsequently fled with my children. For the past two weeks, I have been with my parents and he hasn’t showed up for a day or even called to know how we are doing. He only sends people to beg me to come back, that he is sorry. I told them that I have forgiven him for all he has done to me but can’t go back to him because I don’t love him anymore and don’t see myself loving him again because he has killed that love completely. I want a divorce. Is my decision wrong or too harsh?
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Your decision is not wrong and not too harsh. I would do same if I were in your shoes. He is not worth you, you deserve better my dear. Divorce his silly ass and move on because you’re too young for this shii he is dishing you with.
Hmmmmm
Move on
I think you’ve been so stressed carrying all the family’s load that you took it out on not just your kids but your husband as well. It could be very frustrating living with a man who can’t provide for his family. There are men who work and school at the same time(I don’t know why a family man will face school strictly without doing anything as if he is 18).I believe everything will normalize when he starts performing his responsibilities as a man of the house(no matter how small). That way he will earn your respect. Please divorce is not an option for now. If there is no white collar job let him start a business
Did you read that he beats her too. How will DAT solve when he gets a job? He has an attitude problem, has nothing to do with his inability to provide for his family. She should leave now while she still has life.
I don’t understand the people asking her not to divorce the man. She was abused physically, emotionally and even psychologically and u want her to stay?
Him coming to beg you to come back, might just be a plan to finish you off completely. He might be angry you ran away with the kids, after warning you with a beating not to try it. We have seen casese like this. Let him finish his degree, get a job so he Can be stable financially. Then he should sign an undertaken with the police not to ever abuse you again. But if your mind is made up to live, please feel free.
OK let me analyse your story. You met him at 18 he was 35 based on what you wrote he had no degree, you married him at 22 he was was 39!!!! Yet no degree no job ? At that age ? What did you see ? And yet he abuses you? Hian sweetie you don’t need advise you need strength and encouragement to boot that ungrateful ,abusive spouse out he is not going to change
????????????????
Follow your heart.
Standing up for the first time good move
Your decision isn’t wrong, life is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest maximum, don’t let anyone determine your happiness.
Well I don’t think divorce is the option here first. In all your analysis, I didn’t hear you mention anything like love in your relationship before you got married to him.Was it that, you didn’t feel anything for him? Or was it your parents that actually ” pushed you into this marriage without you having any feelings for the man? I understand that the burden of catering for the home & his education would have taken a toll p on your emotion & feelings for him & which could make you to disrespect him & deny him of his manly duties to his lovely wife! It is very possible that the man’s frustration could be borne out of all these treatment! Believe you me; there is no man anywhere that will feel so comfortable for a woman to be shouldering his responsibilities; it is a state no man wants to find himself at all ! I said this to that madam, you may have pushed this man to his limits just as the man has pushed you too to your limit! The man needs to get something doing to cater for his family no matter how small the work maybe! The woman should please forgive him & give him a chance to really prove himself for all the sacrifices you & your family has made for him! Cheers!
Mr victor, she loved d man even against her parents wish nd gave all she had nd could to him, as a matter of fact, she neglected her personal needs nd desire to make him whole nd a happy father but all she gets in return was abuse. If he isn’t happy that he has a God sent taking care oh his needs nd planning to make him a real man nd a graduate, then he should be grateful for d kids being cared for without anyone breathing down his neck for family upkeep. If he’s frustrated nd looking for who to pour his fury on, I strongly believe d woman isn’t d cause of any of his pains nd should at least be appreciated nd loved for her efforts nd understanding at such a young age. Well she doesn’t owe him her life nd marriages shouldn’t be based on intimidation, dehumanizing nor pity but on strong values, mutual respect for each other before u even think of love which is so transient. Her life nd joy is far valuable than any shitty union or marriage cause D kids need her more for proper upbringing nd better values rather to be reared in an abusive environment, so they won’t learn to abuse other people when they grow up.
Hmmmmm
Well I would have said don’t divorce him if he don’t beat you up and if u still love him, beating is the part I hate most, if after doing all those things for him and all u can get in return is his maltreatment , no need. What matters is happiness , u are still young , since u no longer love him , going back will be a disaster. Move on with ur life
what does ur head say.use ur head
Dear divorce is not the solution, God said He hate divorce. What you need in your home is Christ. Give your life to Jesus Christ and pray your husband out. Not having job might be the cause of his problem. The only reason I may recommend separation temporary is if he is always beating you. But any thing less than that does not warrant you leaving your home at all. Talk to the one who instituted marriage, the Almighty God. Him only can fix things in your home. You said you have forgiven him, good. prove it by going back to your home. Remember, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive them that trespass against us” . When you forgive genuinely, the first love you have for him will be restored. Beware!no Angel out there.
I am in an exact situation as yours, though mine is a 5years marriage with 1 male child, we lost the 2nd at birth. Now thank God ur family allow u to stay. On my own, I have opted for divorce severally, but dear mum will never allow me and beg me stay. Without an exaggeration, my hubby once beat to the extent of having a miscarriage. Dear poster, I am ur Co in marital brutality. Pls run a far as u can.
Does your mum want to bury you? Find a good job and run biko
My dear, if you go back to him, you might never live to tell the story. Him going physical on you is what I can’t stomach. And note: he never called or visited to know how you n his kids re doing or come by himself to appologise, but the coward that he is sent ppl to come n beg you on his behalf. Trust me sugar, he is so THROUGH WITH YOU! He’s just sending ppl to you, so that he can say sometime later that he tried to make things work.
I sympathize with u, but d truth is dat we d women are d architects of our own misfortunes. It’s not wrong to marry a 39yr old jobless man, but a man with a degree at dat age? Already signed up for hardship. More So when a woman wears d trousers, it takes extreme Grace and spiritual maturity to still be submissive to her hubby. Even if u don’t voice ur anger, ur non verbal disgust says it all and no man would tolerate dat even if ur family spoon feeds him. My advice is to retrace ur steps, strengthen ur relationship with God d author of marriage and do to ur husband as unto d lord. Yes, he may not show appreciation and don’t expect one cos ur focus is on God. Pray for him cos he may actually be dying of frustration for not being able to take up his responsibilities(most times, it’s not ordinary). Avoid anything dat will work him up to d point of being abusive. It won’t be easy, but can’t be compared to divorce which is not an option. I’m experiencing Sth similar and yet having a very blissful marriage cos I handed over everything to God. Now my hubby has Sth dat fetches him a little money and d stress on me is highly reduced. It is well with you dear.
ah okunrin…. we guys with our gboga attitude. well Mrs I love your step and that’s the best step to take.
but let do it these way if possible you’re going to read these and do it as well try to let it of am tied, ‘is your home’.
1. get yourself together for fasting and prayer.
2. pls don’t call him at all and even for the fact that he’s sending friend to you, don’t listen to them and tell anybody your marital issues anymore.
3. don’t course your hubby oo and don’t have negative thought toward him.
now these things I said it depend on you if you still want your hubby to come back to you. and before you through with the fasting and prayer, Jesus your hubby will be at your door step to beg. by then he will turn you his queen by God’s grace.
pray for him
am a lawyer, i know alot of women are giong through domestic violence and they still keep quite and manage. pls, seek help from your pastor or psychologist.divorce is not a good of option . you will not build for another woman to inherit. ask God in prayers for solution.what u need now is a break ,time out to relax and put your home front in other.
My dear, abusive marriage is a story so unimaginable that can be understood only by those who has gone through it. I understand ur approach but believe me, this is way beyond what u think, there are so many untold truths dat even pastors won’t say unless u re a family member or a close friend to hear it, even d bible gave a laid down rule of how it should be in (ephessians 5:21-33) nd grants divorce to men because of d wickedness of a mans heart. This is way beyond profession, for a woman to have guts nd resolve to leave all she have laboured to build over d years means her life is at stake, she have prayed endlessly, hoped against all odds and has finally said she’s done, let another woman come nd inherit nd enjoy that so called honey but let her have her life. She’s still young nd God knows she’s walking into a life of oblivion after much perseverance nd efforts so, God ll give her joy again in an unexpected way. We can live our life for others to be better but not when u re abused nd humiliated like u ve got no choice or hope. Some ll say keep praying for him but for how long? Its difficult to change a grown man with all d habits formed nd d bible says be not of equally yoked with d unbelievers. God did not encourage abuse in marriage, some are as a result of a womans misbehaviors nd sharp tongue, but anything outside that is intolerable.
I feel ur seeking advice is cos u still feel for him but now u ought to find out if this feeling is love or pity? Most times when humans can’t meet their responsibilities to their loved ones it’s frustrating, for the men it ushers insecurity. He needs space, give him that support him from afar he will see things clearly and let him know his kids re always. We all hv our flaws
My dear you need prayers secondly you need to exernine yourself very well to know the areas u needed to amend in ur marriage
Ma dear i will advise u tuk to God concerning ur marriage. He can heal broken marriages afterall d institution came 4rm him n he has d manual. U will get no lasting solution 4rm social media. I will recommend a foreign xtain movie ‘war room’. Gud luck.
This is my advice to every single ladies. Beware of a man that is still in university while you are working and be supporting him, it is dangerous. And you my dear, whatever your heart decide, go ahead and do that. You’re the one wearing the shoes, so you know where it pains you. I wish you best
Marriage is better on worst as you wish, you are the one to make it to work as long you have seing the problm ! no peace after divoce dear! Whot ever you have as you marrie also you have kids GOD loves you!let me advice yu in marriage wot ever you have is no long only yours but for the fmly, don’t complain but go to GOD in prayers and your joy wll come back again and you shall enjoys patner you love from starting! Notin last forever.practice of marriage is from GOD,satan not happy abt it.
Even in ur bible it is written that the man is the head of the house, his responsibility in life is his home and his faith in God, but in this case u turned it all around all bcos of love. I will never in my life support a home that a woman pays the bill bcos no man of integrity will sit and watch a woman he is suppose to provide for and protect suffer bcos of him. Yes we are meant to assist our man in our little ways and I think I ve to make this clear now , assisting our man in little ways is to be there for him, to give him words of encouragement, make sure he is properly taken care of at home, support him in a surprise manner when he is down a bit, these little things makes a warrior cherish his princess and calls u his amazon. My dear u made ur self so desperate and cheap when u started paying all the bills, u made him so lazy and stupid when u recharge dstv for him, put food on his table, pay the house rent, and the worse part is that even ur parents paid his school fees chaiii u got married to a thief, a low life, half man, and a gold digger, a shameless he- goat. No man that is a full grown man in his right senses will let his in laws put a dine in his family for the sake of his respect. And to top it all he hits u, oh my God that is the worst of it all, shame to any man that hits a woman. Am sorry dear but he never loved u. Don’t u ever let him have those kids, he can come and see them but never allow him bring them up bcos he has no qualities of a good father. Such men abuse their children and turn them to money making machine for himself. Whatever u do in life don’t forget where u are coming frm bcos when u are in trouble only them can welcome u back with open arms. Forget that sorry of a man, bcos if u go back u will come out in a body bag. And this is also a lesson for other desperate young women out there, let God direct ur foot steps, marriage is not a do or die affair. Don’t rush it so u won’t fall into the hands of such men, listen to ur parents and family, all of them can’t be wrong at the same time. also women learn how to build a home, not bcos u ve money u feel u can stand a home on ur own, pls pls and pls is not ur duty to do sooo. Is only God can give u a man that will love u, cherish u, treat ur like an queen even when things are rough, provide all at ur feet bcos u are his world and the mother of his future (kids). Pls let’s be wise marriage is not a game.
A fool at 40?
My dear, my case is similar to yours when my husband lost his job I did everything possible to take care of d house. The moment he got a new job, he abandoned me for 10 good years, I put all my trust in God. Can u believe dat he has come back again begging and crying, he said dat all the women he went out with were all rubbish, he has never seen a woman like me before. Right now he is showing me d kind of love he has never shown me before, he has really changed. My dear don’t worry don’t call him one day he will come back and beg bcos he can never find another woman like you again. If he comes and u find out he has really changed forgive him, bcos dis time he will really appreciate you. Best of luck.