Dear MIM: How Do I Get My Son Back From My Difficult Ex & His Family?

I’m a married 29-year-old woman. I had a son with my ex-husband who is now 11 and currently pregnant with my first child for my husband.

I broke up with my son’s father because he was an abusive man. He was a flirt who beat me up over every slight mistake. He even once stripped me, before pouncing heavily on me. I struggled to take care of our child and the one he had out of wedlock throughout – he had impregnated me and the other lady about the same time, despite having no job. We put to bed barely a week apart. Still, I continued putting up with him.

My elder brother was the one who registered me in his company’s clinic for antenatal. Nothing I did was right. He kept beating and cursing me, and at a point, he asked me to abort our baby. I was shocked! I was scared of aborting my son, however, following his treats, I tried to take any concoction to abort him but nothing worked. He then said I should go for D&C and I told him because it’s an abomination in my village, if I do it, I will have to go for confession while the whole village will gather to shame me.

I had my son at 19, started a business of my own at 21 with my brother’s help and starting going to Cotonou to trade but the gains were very meagre. All I had was my secondary school certificate, so, I didn’t bother looking for a job. I suffered to pay my son’s fees and that of the daughter he had out of wedlock. I had accepted the child as mine because she’s innocent and I couldn’t watch her suffer. Her mother was not doing anything and her jobless father was not ready to help either. They always took themselves to the police station over his inability to provide money for her feeding or health bill whenever the girl was sick. At a time the mother could not bear it again, and because she felt I was the only one benefiting from her child’s father, she dumped her baby and fled. I took her in and started taking care of her and my son as if they were twins.

Still, he didn’t appreciate my efforts. Whenever I kept money in the house, he would take it and leave the house for 3 -4 days. I really suffered for my son’s and his daughter’s sake. My parents deserted me, saying I was a disappointment to them. He threw my things out countless times and locked me out, but I was the one always begging even when I did not offend him. I did because my parents would not accept me back. His family members would beg but he wouldn’t listen to them. I lost two pregnancies, thanks to his brutal beatings, yet, all those times, he would abandon me at the point of death. I can go on, and on. I endured a lot of things I can’t write here, thinking he would change, but he got worse by the day.

At a time, I became tired of begging. By then, my son was 4. He woke me up one morning that I should leave his house. The kids were at school, so, I didn’t carry anything so that people will not suspect what was going on. I ran away. I didn’t go to my family house, I left town. My aunty, who lived quite faraway, took me in.

Surprisingly, I soon started receiving texts from his sister that I left my 4-year-old son and ran away because I wanted to go into prostitution. I was shocked but remained in my aunty’s house for a month.  When I returned to take my son, he refused, saying that I had no son. People advised me to leave him and I did.

I meet another man the following year who sponsored me for 6 months at the College of Health but I was unable to make it after probation. He later enrolled me in a catering school for two years. I told him about my son and his sister and how I suffered for her and he would give me money to buy things for both of them whenever I was going to see them. After my graduation, he married me.

Meanwhile, my son’s father refused to give me my child and he was not taking care of the boy as he’s supposed to either. I always cried my eyes out whenever I visited. At a point, I bargained with her father’s mother to take him, promising I would be giving her feeding allowance.

My husband started paying my son’s fees from his primary four because his dad could not pay. We were responsible for most of his bills, yet, his father refused to let me take him. My parents have gone to request custody of my son but he refused as well. He only started allowing my son to visit me few years back, and I am now responsible for all his bills, down to his haircut.

The most annoying part is that my mother-in-law now maltreats my son, despite the fact that I give her a lot of gifts and money and treat her like my own mother. I feel betrayed when my son visits and tells me what she does to him.

This long holiday, I called her so my son would come and she asked me if it was not too early. Later, I was feeling sick because of this pregnancy (I’m the only one at home and my husband is a mariner), so, I needed somebody to help me. She sent him the following week I requested my son to come, only for one of her daughters to come to my house to accuse me of deliberately preventing my son from attending their children’s church harvest. I was surprised, so, the following day, I started calling this woman, but she refused taking my calls for many days. A young lady living with her later picked and lied my mother-in-law was not around. I then dropped a message for her that I can see she was ignoring me and she should tell me if she doesn’t want my son to live with her anymore. It’s been over two weeks, and she is still proving stubborn.

I’m tired of all the troubles. I want my son to live with me since I’m the one footing all his bills, but how do I convince his father? I doubt his grandma will support me either. Please advice.