Dear MIMsters: Divorced With A Son, How Do I Face The World After This Terrible Mistake?

I am an ardent fan from Ghana and need urgent advice from mothers in the house. I know I’ve messed up big time but please don’t insult me and help a desperate sister who is at crossroads.

I am 35-years-old and a single mother of a seven-year-old boy. My ex-husband and I parted ways when I was pregnant with my son. We had only done our traditional marriage (paying of bride-price) before I got pregnant. The separation came as a result of the fact that he cheated on me after our marriage with another woman who got pregnant for him before I also became pregnant with my son.

In short, my son doesn’t know his biological father and my ex has never cared to ask of us because he is now married with three children. I have singlehandily raised my son till date and can say we are living a comfortable life by the grace of God.

Anyway, after the separation with my ex-husband, I became scared, even the thought of seeing another man scared me to death. But I was determined to focus on my son, further my studies and advance my career. God being so good, I got a scholarship and traveled with my son to the States in 2014 for my Master’s Degree and returned home in March, 2016.

Meanwhile, I had this good friend in the area where I stayed before leaving for school and he kept in touch till I came back from school. Upon my return home, he said he wanted us to take our friendship to the next level. He is everything I desire in a man, though I’m older than he is (he’s now 32 years), ahead of him academically (he is now pursuing his Master’s Degree) and my salary is far better than his.

I was hesitant initially because HE IS A MUSLIM AND I’M A CATHOLIC! However, I later on accepted to date him based on some reasons. First, I felt it was time for me to be happy and enjoy life once again since my life sort of became boring because I had isolated myself from so many things after the separation. Second, this guy treats my son like his own son and my boy has become so fond of him that a day will not pass without the two of them speaking on phone or he coming to visit us. The bubble of joy on my son’s face alone whenever he sets his eyes on this guy cannot be quantified. All I can say is that he has brought so much joy into my son’s life and I’m grateful to him. Third, when I asked him about our different religious backgrounds, he said it was not much of a problem because I could continue to worship at my church if we got married, which I was cool with, though it would be tough getting my family’s consent.

I finally agreed to date him in June, 2016 after doing some little background check on him and speaking to a few of his friends. Everything showed he was a clean guy, hence, we started dating but never had sex. The farthest we went was kissing. Two months into our relationship, I got a new job with a multinational company and had to relocate to a different region. When I had settled at my new station, he came visiting in September. It was during this visit that we had sex upon his request. We did not use any protection and I equally did not take any precaution afterwards because per my calculation, I felt I was in my dry period. Surprisingly, September ended and I never had my menses. I quickly did pregnancy test at home and it showed positive. I went to hospital the next day for a blood test and it came out positive too. In fact, I felt numb at first because I couldn’t believe it. I went in for a scan to see how far gone I was but the scan showed nothing and I was asked to repeat it at two weeks to assess viability of cyesis.

I quickly asked the guy to come over for us to discuss urgently for me to know my fate. He did come and I showed him the results. He was quiet for some time and finally said we have to terminate it since we didn’t plan for it. He added that more so, per his religion, he has to properly marry me before I can have a child for him. I told him I can’t see myself aborting a baby at age 35, when I don’t know what awaits me in the process or in future. We didn’t arrive at a consensus and he left the next day, saying I should rethink my decision because it has complications.

Two days after he left, he sent me a message via WhatsApp that he was sending a package to me and that I should alert him upon receipt. I picked up the parcel from the station and alerted him, only for him to inform me that it’s a drug called MEDABON and that I should take it following the instructions. I went online and read about the drug and felt disappointed, and told him I was not ready to yield to his demands. He flared up and said I’m trying to put pressure on him as well as complicate his life since he is not ready for a child yet. (That was my first time of sensing anger in his speech as he is the calm and gentle type).

Without mincing words, I told him he could move on with his life and leave me alone to have my baby since I’m working and can take care of the child. That was when he shocked me by saying that HIS FATHER MARRIED A WIFE FOR HIM AT THE BEGINNING OF 2016 BUT THAT THE LADY IS NOT STAYING WITH HIM BECAUSE HE HAD NOT ACCEPTED HER SINCE IT WAS AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE AGAINST HIS WILL AND HE IS STILL BATTLING WITH THE FATHER OVER THAT ISSUE. SO, ME HAVING THE BABY FOR HIM WILL ONLY COMPLICATE ISSUES, THAT HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THE MARRIAGE ISSUE BECAUSE HE WAS WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO COME.

Honestly, I’m still in a state of shock and things have suddenly changed between us as our communication has not been the best for almost two weeks now. Besides, my life has been turned upside down and I wish the ground could just open up and swallow me at once because I can’t imagine having a child for a married man considering my past, my age, status and level of exposure. More so, having this baby means THE CHILD BELONGS TO MY EX-HUSBAND PER OUR TRADITION BECAUSE HIS DOWRY HAS NOT BEEN RETURNED SINCE THE TIME OF SEPARATION. MY UNCLES (MY PARENTS ARE LONG DEAD) HAVE DELIBERATELY REFUSED TO SEND THE DOWRY BACK, THE REASON BEING THAT THEY ARE NOT PREPARED FOR ANY LEGAL BATTLE WITH MY SON’S FATHER BECAUSE HE WOULD DEMAND FOR MY SON THE MOMENT THE DOWRY IS RETURNED, WHICH THEY KNOW I’LL NOT BE PREPARED TO GIVE OUT AND THIS WILL RESULT IN A TUSSLE.

My family is not aware that I’m pregnant except few people at my workplace who’re suspecting and have started teasing me. Mothers, as I write now, I’m about six weeks gone and now in a fix of what to do next. I’m sometimes tempted to open the parcel and take the drug that this current guy sent but my instinct is not allowing me. Your advice will be much appreciated as I have been having sleepless nights and weep most of the time. Believe it or not, my son has been asking me what is wrong because he can see I’m not happy recently and look sick.

In the sight of God, I know I have sinned and fallen short of His glory. What do I tell my son? How will I face my immediate family who see me as the PRIDE of our family? What do I tell my uncles? How will I face my friends? How do I handle my ex who will definitely come after my son once he hears I’m expecting a child from another man? Who will believe that I never intended for things to end this way? I’m hurting inside and need your candid opinions though I have messed up big time.