12 Years On, Derek & Teju Nwafor Tell Us About Their Intertribal Marriage

Derek and Teju Nwafor exchanged marital vows in 2004. Twelve years and three children later, you wouldn’t miss the unique bond between these two. However, Teju admits when they first met at her aunt’s home in Lagos, she wasn’t so sure about Derek.

She said, “I thought to myself there is no hope because he is Igbo and I, Yoruba – I had a bit of a tribalistic upbringing, but we got talking one day and I realised that the only barrier was the man-made one I had set up. 7 days after our first conversation, he proposed and we got married 8 months later. Glad we did, he’s loving, generous and resourceful.”

Derek, from Enugu State, is a business development and relationship management Executive at Contact Solutions Limited and juggles this with a few business interests. His lovely wife, from Idanre in Ondo State, is a professional makeup artiste and the CEO of a makeup consultancy business and training school, Brushstrokes.

The lovely couple share on their blissful marriage in this interview with MIM.

MIS: You’ve been married for over 12 years, how has this influenced your overall perspective on marriage?

Derek: Seeing the work involved in marriage, I no longer casually chide young men to take the step, unless I know the person is ‘a grown up, mature man.’ If you are not ready to do what it takes to have a healthy marriage, then you have no business getting married – it will just cause unnecessary heartache for both parties.

Teju: You should only embark on the journey when you are secure in who you are as an individual. It reduces the possibility of conflicts if your spouse-to-be fully knows what he or she is buying into. Also, be ready to be selfless because a marriage is what you make it. Roses come with thorns but a good gardener takes out the thorns so the roses are better appreciated.

MIS: How has it been marrying from a different culture; the fun part, fresh experiences, barriers, relating with in-laws, and so on?

Derek: In one word – educative! I’ve learned to measure our ‘differences’ against the word of God; that’s the only immovable standard. In the end, I think even if you married your cousin (pardon the yuckiness), you would still find differences between you both. So, the cultural difference card is a bit lame in my estimation.

My wife has a large family and they love to gather. In my family, no news is good news, and our policy was ‘we’ll see when we see.’ I’ve learned that that policy does no one any good and started intentionally gathering my family together from time to time.

In-law management was a cinch after we agreed that it’s us first before anything or anyone else.

Teju: So far, I’d say I’m blessed. I’m not one of those people who live somewhere for a month and leave there speaking the language. I still can’t carry a full conversation in Igbo but my family don’t condemn me for that. They are a very embracive family. We bond, help each other out when the need arises and maintain a good relationship with each other’s siblings, their spouses and families. However, through it all, we always consider our unit first; what we think, feel, believe considering any issue at hand, before involving outsiders or extended family.

I’ve learnt to cook the soups he likes like ofe oha and ofe onugbu which I quite enjoy myself and he’s tried out some of my Yoruba dishes too.

MIS: You both still look in love after over a decade, how do you get to re-ignite the spark?

Derek: Aside from activities carried out together, time spent apart and alone helps in self-assessment. If you don’t love yourself and where you are in life, you cannot genuinely love anyone else. Christianity asks that you love others just as much as you love yourself, so I don’t encourage skimping on any side. I always say you should have three vacations each year if you can afford it; alone, with your spouse and the whole family.

I let my wife and our relationship breathe. She must enjoy rich relationships with as many value-adding friends as possible. Sharing new experiences; everything from trying out a new car wash to a romantic getaway, helps spice things up by giving us new things to talk about.

Teju: Though we both have busy lives, we make out time weekly to have fun. We date each other as it were. He loves ice cream, so I try to take him out for some when we are free. I love malls and movies, so every other week, he comes home early from work and takes me out for some R and R.

MIS: What do you think has made your marriage successful?

Derek: The fact that we help each other in our areas of weakness. Whatever the struggle is, we are our own greatest asset, so we draw strength from each other, support each other, run errands and switch roles when necessary. Even when those fail, we have wonderful mentors who help to fill in the blanks. They are an amazing support system.

It’s important to accord your mate the same worth you do to yourself. Everything you do to confer value, care and love on yourself must be done for your spouse in areas and forms that they appreciate.

MIS: Major challenges you’ve faced in your marriage and how you weathered them

Teju: Sex and finance were two main areas we faced some challenges. Patience, communication and determination to create the success we desire preserved us through the rough patches. It’s important to think through, speak out, write down, where possible, what we want and what it demands of each of us.

Going through marriage counselling and actually living out the teachings you were given are two very different things. We have become more aware of each other’s needs and that of our growing children. It gets easier year after year.