6 Behavioural Traits of a Toxic Parent 

Most parents are genuinely doing the best they can to provide their children with a healthy upbringing. However, in the quest to be good parents, there may be some mistakes made along the way, and  a lot of the time, parents aren’t even aware of these mistakes.

This is often the case especially in Nigerian culture where children aren’t given room to express themselves freely. Many parents tend to have toxic tendencies, and such behaviour can scar children emotionally for life.

Here are 6 behaviourial traits often found in toxic parents:

1. They do not affirm love and security

Some parents believe that showing tough love is the only way to ensure that their children are able to be strong and independent.  Tough love might work sometimes, but it cannot be the only approach a parent takes if they want their child to become a well-rounded adult.

Take for instance, if your male child falls, grazes his knee, and begins to cry. The proper thing to do would be to comfort him, and assure him that everything will be okay. However, the first thing a toxic parent would probably do in this situation is yell and him and say something along the lines of  “what’s wrong with you? why are you crying? are you a girl?”. You may think this is tough love but for a child, it’s really not. Children need to feel loved and secure, especially when they are feeling vulnerable.

Without proper and effective affection shown to a child, that child might grow to have some problems with showing and receiving affection.

2. They always criticize

Without this criticism, we might never learn how to do some things properly, and achieve greatness. A toxic parent however takes this to extremes by being overly critical about everything their child does. For instance, if your child comes second in class during the semester exams, you should make them feel good about their accomplishment and inspire them to work harder to come first next time. And this inspiration comes through guidance and mentoring, not by yelling “Why did you come second? The person that came first does she have two heads?”. Statements like these can be damaging to a child’s self-esteem.

Parents can make the mistake of believing that they do this to make sure their children achieve greater goals. Unfortunately, this just makes the child develop a harsh attitude towards correction even when it is done in love, and this may affect them even in adulthood.

3. They do not allow their child express negative feelings

There is nothing wrong with helping children see the positive side of any situation. However, being completely dismissive of a child’s negative feelings and emotional needs can lead to depression and make it more difficult for them to appropriately handle negativity as adults. For example, when your child gets jealous because another child at school didn’t invite him for a birthday party, do not be quick to tell your child that jealousy is bad, help that child realize that there may be a genuine reason why they were not invited, and that this particular friend is not the only one in the world. Help them be proud of themselves and be happy and confident in who they are as human beings.

4. They scare even their adult children

Picture this: You are in your 60s/70s and your children refuse to call you on the phone or rarely visit. From the time they were children until now, the distance between you and them has continued to widen, to the point where you almost begin to become strangers to one another. You may feel hurt or bewildered about why this is so, and perhaps you think that such behaviour is unjustified. But guess what? It may be that the reason for this behaviour is due to unresolved emotional trauma you inflicted on them during their childhood. So when they attain independence as adults, they want to stay far away from parents who scared them and hurt them.

If this is the case, plan a family forum, re-union and encourage your children to open up to you. You may be surprised at what you hear, as they just might begin to let you know all the toxic behaviour you exhibited over the years, which made them scared of you over time.

5. They give their children the silent treatment

It can be hard to accommodate a discussion when you are angry, but shutting out a child with silent treatment is very damaging and immature. This can be called a passive-aggressive treatment. It hurts any type of relationship and makes the recipient feel pressured into fixing the situation, even when they didn’t do anything wrong. If a parent is too mad to have a rational conversation, they should excuse themselves for a few minutes to put their emotions together, instead of blatantly ignoring their child.

No matter how frustrated you get, always keep in mind that these our children! They don’t have even quarter of the world experience that you do. Treat them with compassion and love at all times… yes even those times when you feel like screaming at them.

6. They make their children responsible for their happiness

Often times in Nigeria, parents are very fond of telling children what they had before they came along, or what they had to give up to be parents. No child should be held accountable for their parent’s happiness.