What a Contract Should Look Like Between Mums and their Pregnant Bodies

If ever a law did exist, allowing pregnant women to do whatever they wanted, eat whatever they wanted, sleep peacefully and not have to pee or live with bloated faces and legs for almost a year, we are sure that even men would want to get pregnant. The good news is, the discomfort that comes with carrying a child is only temporary, but the after effects of pregnancy are sometimes life changing and permanent.

We came across this draft of an agreement on Babble, picturing what a contract between a pregnant mother and her body should be like. We highly approve! Lol, read below,

“During the pregnancy and the first 6 months postpartum, The Body will allow The Mother to store away hours of sleep for later use in a “Sleep Bank.” To maximize hours put into the Sleep Bank, The Body will fall asleep on demand instead of staying up for hours thinking about hypothetical kitchen remodels.

The Bladder will require voiding no more than 1 time per hour during waking hours, and 1 time per 5 hours during sleep. These limits will stay in place throughout the entire pregnancy.

Any morning sickness must come between weeks 6 and 12 of the pregnancy, with each day’s bouts of sickness totaling no more than 3 hours. Any other nausea the body wishes to inflict must be gifted to either The Mother’s partner or The Mother’s most unsympathetic friend.

The Body will be allowed to inflict “Pregnancy Brain” only 1 time per week, and it must never allow The Mother to forget where her keys are, any important deadlines at work, or if she’s brushed her teeth yet.

From the list of raw cookie dough, lunch meat, sushi, fish, shellfish, caffeine, alcohol, unpasteurized cheese, raw sprouts, unpasteurized fruit juices, herbal tea, and eggnog, The Mother will choose 3 foods to avoid throughout the pregnancy; the remaining items will have no adverse effects on the growth of the fetus. Teetotaler vegan mothers will be forced to give up 3 commonly eaten foods so that they suffer like everybody else.

The Mother will allow The Body to endow her with any cup size it so desires during the pregnancy, provided she can choose the post-birth cup size.

If The Mother promises to sleep on her left side at least 3 days a week, she will be allowed to sleep in any other position she desires for the remaining 4 days of the week without vomiting or cutting off blood supply to the fetus.

The Body will be allowed to flatten and grow The Feet during pregnancy for better support and balance, but once the child is expelled, The Feet must return to their original size pre-pregnancy.

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During the third trimester of the pregnancy, The Body must give The Mother the ability to put on socks and tie her shoes without running out of breath.

The Mother will allow The Body to experience heartburn up to 2 times per week, but the heartburn must be in association with either Indian food or Mexican food. If The Mother experiences any heartburn associated with chocolate or ice cream, she is immediately allowed 3 months with 0 instances of heartburn.
Any hair that is gained during the pregnancy belongs exclusively to The Mother, and she will decide when and at what rate it will fall out post-birth.

The Body will require the uterus to act like any other muscle — becoming more toned with use instead of more flaccid. In return, The Mother will exercise The Body on a regular basis.

The Mother agrees to take on at most 8 stretch marks, provided The Body lightens the marks to silver within 1 month of giving birth, as promised by the Internet.

After The Mother has given birth and put in the effort to exercise and eat healthy foods, the last stubborn 10 pounds must melt off on their own.