Not all Men are Beasts and not all Marriages are Sad: My Blissful Marriage

In the spirit of positivity and at a time where a vast majority of married African women have become disillusioned about the institution, a Mimster (fan of Motherhood In-Style Magazine), who prefers anonymity talks about her blissful marriage to let women know that not all marriages are sad and not all men are beasts.

She writes…

I would like to speak to some women who are scared that all marriages are bad. There are still good marriages. Those of us who have them don’t always talk about it because some women who think the suffering is general would think you are boasting just to justify their experiences.

My husband doesn’t beat or speak rudely to me. He apologizes when he offends me and tells me whenever he changes his password so I can have access to his phones anytime. I have his personal ATM pins and he has mine. I’m a signatory to our business accounts.

When we got married, he gave me the only car available and used public transport and he has consistently made sure I have the newest car. I went from dating a guy without car to driving a tear rubber brand new car while he took the one I was driving. All our landed properties are registered in both our names. This has been so even through the more than 4 years we had no kids.

Every car he buys, he registers in my name. So I try to register them so his name can be included. My personal bank account has the bulk of his monies. I can access it whenever I like. I’m prudent in spending though. Most decisions are discussed with me before he takes them. He listens to my advice. He takes his car to car wash but every weekend, he takes time to wash mine, inside out.

We started with little but God has multiplied us over and over. He cooks, cleans, folds laundry and bathes our kids most weekends. He doesn’t beat me to submission but harasses me in other ways like booking for massages and insist I go to the spa to ease off from stress. He is so annoying in certain ways like my birthday presents may come two months in advance and on my birthday, I will get only a cake! LOL!

I get random gifts from biscuit wrapped in gift wraps for special occasions to getting a new car. He always buys both of us the same phones but in different colours so I won’t struggle in using both. It’s our 8 years of marriage but even though we live together, I get calls from him during the day just to check on me. If he is running late after work, he calls to tell me.

For the first 4 years of our marriage, we did not have kids but it made no difference. He is close to my mom and siblings and they spend hours on the phone at times discussing what I don’t know. They buy each other presents, borrow money from each other too. My husband is far from perfect, he eats noisily sometimes just to annoy me, he works extremely hard, he likes local films and refuses to admit he is tired and will occasionally dose off after insisting on listening to a gossip. He insists I’m stubborn and difficult but admits he will marry me all over again. I don’t know what magic he performs that all our kids look like him even our daughter. My inlaws are incredibly amazing.

My husband takes leave to be with me during childbirth and cooks pepper soup for me. Even when his mom or mine comes, they don’t bathe our new born. He does or I do. From buying second hand clothes for me when dating, we can now afford to take trips abroad yearly to have fun and shop. He supports my business and returns money he borrows. He meets his responsibilities at home and still does shopping for the house after giving me upkeep. From day one, he told me he wants me to be rich and independent. So even though he is now a top management staff at work he can drive one hour away to help me deliver ordinary 3k item and still give me the money.

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He gives me monies people dash our new born babies, even when I don’t know the people. He expects me to have contrary opinions on issues , he expects others to respect me by showing them he does. If anyone looks down on me in anyway, he will withdraw from them. I’ve been with him since when he could only afford fairly used items and even though I was used to my shopping abroad, I wore those stuff . He promised to make me proud and he has.

Honestly, we have our own issues like most marriages. Last year, I saw a new condom amongst his stuff and when he couldn’t explain it, I took off with my kids and left him alone and turned off my phones. He got his eldest brother to travel over 10 hours to come and beg me the very next day but I wasn’t even home. He said he will kill himself and I should use what we have to care for our kids. I didn’t even answer him.

His brother didn’t even see me to beg until he traced me to church on Sunday and practically carried me back home and said my husband told him what I saw. I’m no fool, I didn’t catch him red handed but he knows I meant when I said I will leave if cheating or domestic violence is involved, which is what I preach. If he sees me with a condom, will he pat my back? He also reported himself to our pastor and attended counselling. Yet, I refused sex for one full year until he ran all the tests in this world for sexually transmitted diseases and in that time I returned my wedding ring to him.

I have my values and he is a strong man who feels he is better off with me and fought for me. Now, he reports to me if any woman touches him beyond a handshake or looks at him in a certain kind of way, so that I don’t see it in my dream first and run. My for better for worse is for things like sickness and hardship, not beating and cheating. My family loves me and my kids need me. I love with sense and that is why I encourage every girl here to be wise. No marriage is perfect, agreed. But my believe is that I am worth it. I deserve to get as much love as I give. I deserve to be protected as I support you and not to be oppressed and suppressed.

You cannot beat and get to cheat on me because I also see fine men on the road who almost cry when I tell them I’m married and unavailable. Abusive words are a no-no from day one. There are no perfect marriages, but all these stories we hear of suffering women who accept defeat and abuse and cheating as part of marriage is not the only example there is. There are good marriages and mine is one of such. I’m a good wife and a great mother. I’m a dear daughter and a beloved sister. I work hard to earn whatever little money I can and God deserves all the glory, I’m just trying to say not all men are beasts who treat their wives life trash and not all women accept to be treated poorly, my marriage is great and gets better. But I have so many things that work together to complete my identity, not just bearing MRS.