Dear MIMsters: Why I Think My Hardworking Husband Is Gay
Please advise me like you would your own sister. I think my hardworking husband is gay but he denies it.
My husband and I got married traditionally in Nigeria after dating for a few months. I joined him in his base abroad 4 months after we got married. This will be 3 years in June. We now have 2 kids who are 2 years old and 5 months old respectively. Hubby is 12 years older than me. I’m 27.
He is hard working and tries his best to provide for me and the kids. I am not working yet because I’m still working on my papers here. It’s not been smooth financially for my husband but we are trusting God for a breakthrough.
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But that is not the main issue. The problem is that I am lonely in this marriage and I don’t think my husband loves me nor is he attracted to me. Infact, I don’t know what to think anymore. The whole thing is making me depressed.
I am very neat and I make sure I keep the house neatly. I’m a size 12 to 14 and I intend to work on my weight when my baby is six months old. Since I joined my husband here, he hasn’t slept with me for more than five times. Heaven bears me witness!
The last time he slept with me was on November 18, 2016. That was when I conceived my second baby. All through my pregnancy, he never touched me and this is what I have been facing in this marriage. I have complained severally but he does not want to change. I have threatened to leave with the kids, threatened to involve his family. Rather, he would say to me, “instead of you to be praying for God to bless me, you are talking about sex.”
He also said that do I think there is anyone in his family who can tell him what to do. He is the first son but has one older sister who also lives abroad with her hubby.
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I have suggested we see a counselor but he’s refused. I don’t know what else to do as I have tried to make this marriage work. He’s now like a roommate to as there’s no connection anymore. Whenever, I try to play with him by sitting on his legs, that’s when he will remember his leg is paining him or tells me that I am heavy.
Meanwhile, he goes to the gym everyday and I know how many KGs of metal he carries. He doesn’t miss the gym at all, so I don’t know why he treats me this way.
On the night of 31st of December, I told him to prepare travelling papers for my kids and I to return to Nigeria because I don’t want this marriage anymore. I am gradually losing my sanity and self esteem. Yet, he claims he loves me and that he is not cheating on me.
I call him gay and he will be like, “it is your father that is gay.” There is this guy he is so close to and older than. He claims the guy is his errand man but they are just too close. They speak on the phone and chat all the time. He tells this guy everything, even things I know nothing of and we are having issues because of him. I call both of them gay. There is no day my husband doesn’t bring up this guy’s name in our conversations.
We live in a 2 bedroom apartment here but we sleep in only one of the rooms with the kids because he hasn’t yet fixed the other room.
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I want to know, please advice me: will I be going too far if I reveal these things to his siblings? Will they mock me or him? I also want them to help me convince him to send my kids and I back to Nigeria because it is obvious he doesn’t love me.
I can’t continue living like this anymore because I may end up seeking for attention outside my marriage.
Hmmmmmmm maybe a separation for a while will bring back the groove. Take some time away from him. Come to Nigeria to cool off for sometime but not permanently. Talk to his siblings about his attitude towards you but don’t mention the you think he is gay part.
Your suspicion is right . I had the same experience. He just married you to please society, his family and bear kids. Start empowering yourself so you can leave him with your kids. Wait till you get your papers. Gain something from that marriage you can use to stand on your feet. I dont know what country you are in but if it is better than Nigeria move to another part of the country where he cant trace you .Do not tell him anything. Just play it cool. Plan your escape with your kids. He didnt tell you he was gay before marrying you, why are you informing him of you want to leave him and you know he wont let you take the kids. You cant change him. Don’t even waste your time. Be wise.
Your suspicions are not far from the truth, watch and play safe so you can get all the documents you need to escape.
From all indications and what you narrated, your husband is probably gay and his partner is the other guy you spoke abut. I will say please get your papers first before leaving the country. If he does not have sex with you again, don’
t force it. Get a vibrator, move to the other room in the house and do your thing. You have to consciously make yourself happy. No man will do that for you. I know the marriage is already over, but please get your papers before you bail out and try and stay back with your kids. Coming back to Nigeria to start all over may not be the best option except you have a good family support here but then, life over there may be more favourable for the kids. You do not need to let him know your plan. as a matter of fact, quit nagging him to change cos he never will and you will remain unhappy. Just do your thing. I wish you all the best.