Dear MIMsters: Are My Feelings Towards Hubby and His Son Justified or Am I Overreacting?
Are my feelings towards hubby and his son justified or am I overreacting?
I have been married for 2 years. When we were still dating, hubby told me he had a son whom I innocently accepted because I saw no big deal in it. This son of his lives with the boy’s mother.
As a boyfriend, he put me under pressure to get pregnant but I couldn’t get pregnant. 10 months after, we conducted fertility tests which revealed that hubby had low sperm count while I had no issues. I wanted to leave since I saw that he won’t be able to get me pregnant.
After much persuasion and advice from friends, I chose to continue with the relationship. Hubby and I concluded that hubby would be allowed to visit his son while we go on to try different treatments and lastly, IVF. And when we do have a child, hubby can then bring his son to live with us, so we can raise all our children together.
A month after our wedding, hubby started spending all our resources on custody issues without informing me and we weren’t financially buoyant.
A year later, hubby brought his son home for the holidays. During that period, I realised how important kids are and I started wanting to have mine badly. I would cry and cry. When his son left, I told hubby how I felt and that I do not want to be reminded that I do not yet have a child. This boy is 7 years old and has some bad characters that pisses one off but I am not allowed to spank nor correct him because of the circumstances surrounding us.
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Hubby just tells me as a matter of (for your information) that his son will be coming home for the holidays without carrying me along. He does not carry me along with matters concerning his son.
Meanwhile, hubby doesn’t take his fertility medications. I always have to remind him which sometimes leads to quarrels. I am the only one who does all the running around, looking for a solution to his problem so that I can get pregnant.
When we got married, hubby begged me not to tell people that he had a son, but now, he’s the one telling everyone, including people who live in our neighbourhood and I have not been too happy with that. I married hubby knowing how difficult getting pregnant could be but I chose to stay with him, while he now shows off his son up and down. I thought hubby would have first allowed us to at least have a child together before bringing in his son.
I feel so ashamed and humiliated when this boy calls hubby, “daddy” and calls me, “aunty Yemi” in the presence of other people. Hubby even told a mechanic that was working in our compound that I’m not happy that his son is around. I felt bad because we have always been private people. I treat the boy well even though I am not happy. Are my feelings justified or am I overreacting?
Secondly should I do IVF? Will it help? Henceforth, I do not want to be the only one sacrificing in this marriage. I do not know if I will be able to conceive naturally after having an IVF, neither do I want any complications.
Honestly speaking, I have been married for more than eight years now. I didn’t know my hubby has a low sperm count before we got married until after our first year together. He knew before but I didn’t we got married. When I found out, I took time to decide on what to do on such issues but later made up my mind to stay in the marriage. While I’m the one running helter-skelter looking for a solution, my hubby was dating various girls at the time. Infact it got to a point that he was adviced to marry again since I couldn’t get pregnant. To cut the whole story short, I got pregnant using ICSI treatment abroad after sponsoring for the whole treatment myself, gave birth to a child. My child is now 5 years and I told hubby we should go for a second one which he doesn’t want to.
Anyway, as far as men are concerned they are selfish, and since he already has a son, he can’t be bothered. So in your case, you have two options. One either save up and sponsor for the treatment yourself, I am sure your husband will willingly agree since he has nothing to lose. Or two although difficult, you may have to separate from your husband and get married again. If your husband honestly truly loves you, he will go through the sky to give you what you want.
I hope this helps and wish you the best.