Dear MIM: Is It Right To Marry My Friend’s Ex-Husband?

Is it right to marry my friend’s ex-husband?

I met my friend during my service year at Kebbi in 2009. We discovered we had a lot of things in common and became very close during the usual 3-week orientation program. During this period, we also met the man who became her husband about 15 months later.

I actually met him first and he took interest in me but since I was eyeing someone else at the time, I decided to still keep my options open. I later found out he had also met my friend and they were quite cordial already. From the way my friend spoke about him, I released she was interested in him and she finally got her wish months later while we were all serving at a school in Kebbi.

He is from a quite affluent background and really spoiled my friend. She later confided in me that though she liked him a little, she was just in the relationship for the gains. However, when she realized he was really serious about their relationship, she started embracing the idea of marrying him.

Their marriage took place way earlier than we envisaged, as he popped the question shortly after our passing out parade. He had gone out with my friend that evening and she came back blushing and showing off a really lovely bling. I was happy for her and she prayed mine would be next but that prayer didn’t come true as I kept moving from one disappointing relationship to the next.

My friend got married in Lagos few months later but things turned very sour for them early in 2014. They already had adorable twin girls then, and my friend, a stay-at-home mum, complained about virtually everything about her husband but the luxury life she was living. She told me it was so difficult putting up with someone she didn’t love, adding that she wished she had married one of her exes, who was doing very well by then and constantly chatting with her on social media.

On the other hand, her husband would complain she was always pushing him away and treating him like a pest. He wanted them to seek marriage counselling but my friend rebuffed the idea.

By November 2014, they were both sick and tired of each other and opted for a separation. During that period, my friend started cheating with the ex I mentioned earlier. Their relationship got really hot and her husband soon caught wind of it. Unfortunately, instead of finding ways to resolve things, my friend told him she was done with him and wanted a divorce. I tried convincing her, even her parents, siblings and other friends tried all they could, but she insisted, saying she wanted to move on with her ex, as he’s the man she truly loves.

Their divorce was finalized in March, 2015, and my friend moved in with her ex, leaving her little twin girls behind. Her mum later came to take them to live with her.

Her husband and I kept in touch subsequently. We attended the same church while he was with my friend and still do. Sometimes, he would visit me in my office and I didn’t keep this away from my friend. In fact, she once teased since we were both single, we should do something with our lives. She Is clearly enjoying her romance with her lover boy who still hasn’t thought to put a ring on it till now. I doubt there are any signs he will soon.

Meanwhile, during Christmas holiday last year, her husband invited me for his mum’s birthday. I didn’t see anything wrong in attending, so, I honoured the invitation and told my friend, who expressed no concern. He later asked me out on a date in January, and honestly, I didn’t tell my friend that. We had a few dates subsequently and he asked matter-of-factly in April if I would marry him. I haven’t replied till date but we have remained good friends.

From the years I’ve known him and how he treated my friend, he’s a good man. I want this relationship and the marriage he’s offering but realize it’s very complicated. I don’t know how my friend, who is now unmarried and hoping her lover boy pops the question soon, will react despite her seeming nonchalance about her ex. What about her family, friends, and all? What will they think of me? Should I keep hoping my own man will come soon or damn the consequences and marry him? Is it right? Please advise.

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