EXCLUSIVE: Tara Fela-Durotoye Bares All On Parenting
She is married to Fela Durotoye, a prolific writer and motivational speaker and their marriage is blessed with three energetic sons. In this exclusive interview with Motherhood In-Style Magazine, Tara Fela- Durotoye shares some valuable thoughts on parenting.
Excerpts:
What kind of parent are you?
“There are times when I think I over parent, I feel my children are over-supported and because of that, over-dependent. Thereās that fear. Other times, I feel Iām too strict. Iām a disciplinarian who handles my first son, for instance, with a very strong hand. I think that because I wasn’t raised by my mum, thereāll be a tendency for me to over-parent and just want to be there for them all the time. I have to take them to school and when I’m unable to, I feel very bad. Iām very involved and some people wonder how I do it. I take them to school, pick them up in the afternoon andĀ listen to their conversations. I like to hear what they have to say about things.
I want my husband to be perpetually there for them, all the time, 24/7. I want him to take one child out at different times in the month, not taking the three of them at the same time. When one child is asking him a question, heās able to respond fully, having his undivided attention. Iām also the sort of mum that wants them to be calm and know those things come with association. I want them to do sports activities. I drum it into their ears so much that they repeat it to themselves. I try to raise them to be caring. These are some of the things that make me feel Iām over parenting. My mum didnāt do all these things for me, well, she was there but she wasnāt over the top, and I turned out well. So, I believe God that my children will turn out right.”
What deliberate steps are you taking to build their minds and intellect to become the kind of children you desire for them to be?
“One of them is encouraging my husband to take them to his speaking engagements. As a lot of people already know, my husband is very passionate about Nigeria, about social and human capacity development and changing the world, so, when they go to listen to him, I know theyāll also come up with a lot of things they want to do with their lives. I encourage them to have conversations with him as well, I encourage them to ask questions about life, about different things and when they ask me too, I give them my own Christian perspective. Iāve reduced their interest in TV because I felt it was affecting their language. They go to a British school but they prefer to speak with the American accent and I thought that was not a discerning influence. The value system of the US; the dysfunctional family, homosexuality and some of these value systems of materialism, not that we do not have materialism in Nigeria but itās on a different level in the US. I wanted to reduce those influences. My children are good but I realize they cannot be totally left on their own. I also encourage them to read a lot. I talk to them about the importance of developing social skills because that no matter how brilliant you are, in the world, there are so many people who are brilliant but are not able to socialize well, theyāre not able to create and maintain relationships because they donāt just have social skills. I think itās important that good social skills are developed, so, I show them the ways they can. They should go to the club to meet with other people and socialize. Then, church is also important. I encourage them to listen, and being able to come out of church and tell me their memory verse is critical because I believe faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God. So, when they have issues of fear, I ask them what God tell us about fear and they tell me God has not given us the spirit of fear but the spirit of love, of power and of sound mind. They say these to me because theyāre exposed to the scriptures. I fear sometimes when they go out to other people because I know there may be conflict of values, but now more than ever, I say to myself theyāll be okay because my children are sound. My son was out the other day and he wanted to wee and his aunt told him ācome, you can wee on the roadā and he said, āItās not justā¦proper!ā Thereās no need to be scared, I think theyāll be fine.”
How involved are you in their performance at school?
“I think that Iām not doing as much as Iād love to, I wish I could do more but I find Iām also a very reactive mum. If I notice that a child for example is not doing well, I’ll go to the teachers and also penalize the child. But, the point is, I shouldnāt have allowed it to get to the point where they will have to be penalized in the first instance. I also donāt think Iām a good teacher, in terms of patiently explaining. I find that I donāt want to teach them because I donāt want them to be scared, so Iād rather my husband teaches them. My children say it all the time, ‘when daddy teaches, it’s easier to understand.’ If I find they donāt understand a topic, whether itās LCM or whatever, and I take it to my husband, it can be guaranteed that he would find a technique to teach them in a way that they can understand. I am not as perfect as I would have loved to be. I wish I was more involved in their homework in terms of knowing what they did every day, what new things they learnt because I know I would also learn from them. But Iām very reactive, if thereās a problem, youāll see me in school. MyĀ children’s teachers know that they can tell my kids,Ā āI will tell your mumāĀ and the reaction they get is incredible.ā
What support system do you have in place to ensure that your children are well looked after when you travel?
“My husband and I try not to leave home at the same time, so, if Iām travelling, he will try to be here, and if he’s travelling, I’ll have to be here. Initially, we used to have lesson teachers but we stopped because of the feeling that our children are over-supported.Ā We wanted them to start doing their lessons by themselves, start getting out of bed by themselves in the morning with the help of the alarm clock. We set the alarm clock and stand by their door to watch them get out of bed in response to it. When my son went for his common entrance interview at his prospective new school, the first question he asked them was, ādo you have an alarm clock?āā
Do you think parents should be trained on how to become better parents, and there should be credible institutions to provide this training?
“I think that we can have parenting classes but itās not the solution to parenting issues. I think itās also one of the things you learn as you go but some churches, like mine, have parenting classes. My church wonāt dedicate your child until you attend the parenting classes. I think parents need to learn more about instilling the right values. This corruption; the desire for wealth, creates the need for contentment. We need to be able to equip our children with the right value system. We also need to watch the influence of the US on our children, on their upbringing and our culture because a lot of us are losing our culture. As parents, weāre not transferring that culture to our children. I know so much about my family history because my father took his time to explain. I think our kids are becoming too americanized and British that theyāre losing touch with their roots.
On discipline, I think parents need to know what works and this varies from one child to the other. For instance, I have a child that before you spank him, heāll already be repentant so you donāt have to smack him to be able to get the message across. I think as you go along you also have to learn but you could get basic stuff from attending parenting classes.”
What are your worst parenting moments;Ā your low times as a parent so far?
“I have had so many low moments. I had a period when one of my sons had what the school considered an anti-social behaviour. I think that was a phase. His teacher had a book which she sent to me every day, making notes of his progress, in terms of his behaviour, and of things that he did everyday in school. He was about five or six years old at this time, he was really depressed and I cried. I cried because I felt overwhelmed and I think for each child there were always times I had my low moments as a mum. The lowest times I’ve ever had has to do with my children. As a business owner, I think Iām so certain about the future of the business that Iām not afraid that anything can go wrong, Iām always so certain and full of faith. Iām also full of faith with my marriage, that my husband will always be committed as he’s been. Nothing really flusters me. What has ever flustered me the most are things that have to do with my kids. When they have any issues in school or if they are going through any phase and Iām being called to their school for one meeting or the other, I get overwhelmed, but I think Iām also matured enough to see the progress. For example, my son that I talked about doesnāt have those issues anymore, heās one of the most lovely children; very polite, and the school has even recognized him as one of the most conceding, judging from his peersā votes. These are some of the personality traits that are coming out of that same child today.”
You have a wonderful figure and in this day and age where women are struggling to cut off the excess weight to look trimmed, how do you maintain it?
“Well, mine is hereditary. My grandmother was very slim, so Iāve had three children and still consider myself slim but in recent times, maybe the last two or four years, Iāve put on weight. When I got married I was 54kg. For a long time, even in pregnancy, I weighed 60-62kg. My last pregnancy, I weighed 65kg and thatās what I weigh today, so Iām not as slim as I used to be, Iāve put on weight. The slimness is obviously hereditary, itās not about what I eat but I donāt eat a lot as well. I like my weight, so I try to maintain it by not eating more than I used to.”