Dear MIM Readers: How Do I Leave This Childless Marriage?
I have been married for 4 years now without a child.
My husband is based abroad. 2 years ago, a lady called me and asked me who am I to my husband. She asked if I am his wife and if I have kids. She told me she has been living with my hubby and that she always sees my number in his phone. She said she asked him who I was and was told that I am his little cousin. I told her to put the phone on speaker that I want to hear my hubby’s voice, which she did. After 2 hours she called, then I heard her asking, ”who is she?” My husband replied, “I told you she is my cousin”.
She asked him, “what if the baby had stayed, will I be a your 2nd wife?”
My husband replied, “did she tell you she is pregnant for me?”
Hubby called me a few hours after she hung up. I confronted him and we had a big fight on phone. The lady even sent me pictures of her and my husband.
His family members got involved and tried to settle this matter. Hubby promised to bring me over really soon which he did last year. On getting here, I found out that he had rented an apartment for me. He comes to see me two to three times a week. He will spend some hours with me, sometimes spend the night and would leave very early the next day.
I asked him why do we have to live in different apartments. He said his company gave him an apartment and would not be wise for him to bring me there.
Since I came here, I begged him to look for a job for me but he’s refused. I also begged him to register me in a school instead of staying at home all day he refused. No one has ever visited me since I got here. I have never met any of his friends, have never called that lady. I even told him that I want to go back home so I can get myself busy with something because I am tired of staying at home. He’s refused, saying if I leave, that will be the end of our marriage, and if I want to leave, I should call my parent so they can send me money for my flight. Where I reside, there are no blacks living around.
Two days ago, I logged into that lady’s Facebook wall. Even though she’s blocked me, I can still check her friend’s wall . I did saw the lady and my husband at a party. The pix was taken on the 23rd of December and she looked pregnant in that picture. In the morning of that same 23rd, hubby had told me he was going for a Christmas party that he was invited to. I need advise on how to handle this. How should I confront hubby? How do I leave this marriage because I am tired.
U did not state whether d lady is a white or black cos I know some men get involved wt white ladies so they can get their papers.but whatever it is I think I shld go back home for all u know u might b an illegal immigrant& what if dat lady finds u, she might think u r ‘her'(cos am sure they r married) husband’s mistress& might even shoot u so find ur way now
Tell him u are not interested in the marriage again. This is hell.
Ada is so right pls ma dear try goin bk home cus oyibos no dey play wt shooting esp whn de see u as an intruder.
My dear if your parents can afford your flight money pls go back home cos as far as am concern this is not marriage
What a sad story!pls find all means to go back hum and restart ur life…it is well with you.
If you really want to go back home, go to the police( you can ask people around to show you the police station or call the emergency line in your country and tell them the whole story) they will send you back home without any problem. Your husband is not an honest man and you deserve better.
Inform ur parent to send you money to go back home or stay there and fight to survive
Poor lady, God be with you dear.
Please get money and come back home before someone puts a bullet into your skull. Take proper care.
If your pappers are okay, u can leave him and remain in that Country….check your friends on facebook and see if u can finD any of them that stays around, so u may have friends that can help u and tell u how to stay there. Or if your parents are capable, tell them to send u flight ticket. U don’t have a marriage. Or he is dating d other lady for stay permit.
My dear i think it will be better for you to leave with your life still intact than to be treated like a nobody by the man you call your hubby.And besides that lady will not hesistate to deal with you if you try to intrude in her affairs with your hubby because your hubby already told her you are his cousin,and she will be behaving as if she is his wife.There is no need enduring in a marriage full of lies.
Hummm,this is serious my dear.please go back home or go to your embassy to report him if you don’t have flight fare.some men Ennnn,na wah for them.don’t endure life in hardship and bondage.it does not worth it.
With all these things, don’t even know why you came abroad in the first place. He’s a big liar nd no regards for you. Find your way home and leave the marriage
Two things… come home- it’s not just worth it or stay there and fight to survive
So sad. Find a way to leave
Why shuld he b d one to look for a job for u? See when i got aboard my hubby didnt wnt me to wrk n will not give me money. I looked for my first job myself. And again y re u living at his mercy??? U need to sit up n do tins for urself. Go out. Take d laptop search for a job if u have d right visa u will get d job. Mak u self happy jor. Why let a man dat is enjoying is life mk u down . U dont need to go bck to 9ja pls. Start ur life. Let him see a change.
I second your comment. if she has a right visa she can get a job and start living a good life for yourself. bcos if she doesn’t have a job she won’t have money to spend on herself thereby living on the man stipends. hey a job, make you self happy cos nobody is gonna do that for you. who knows you might even find another love and start a family of your own.
N again my city dere is no black. But am happy. So mk urself happy. All d best
is is not marriage in d first place so if he’s threatening to divorce you if u leave, den let him go ahead. You r beta of without him. I’m sure u can do better wit urself wit God on ur side. Pls explain everytin to ur family and let dem send u money to come back home and start afresh. On d oda hand, if u can get help from friends who r staying ova dere, it will b beta for u. Dey can put u thru just like Adeola Williams said
There is no marriage here, God will help u 2 take d right decision.
That is why I tell ladies look before u leap all that glitters is not gold because he is based abroad doesn’t make him rich to tell u d truth he is legally married to dat oda lady u r jst his nigeria wife he jst brought u over due to family pressure so I will advice u look for a way to come back or beTter still look for a menial job u deserve better dan dat
No need coming bck home if ur paper permit u to work pls look for one ursef but if it doesn’t then come bck home but as for d marriage forget it its nt worth it God wil giv u somone dat wil love n cherish u.
stop calling him hubby joor.he is putting u in serious danger.try nd find ur way back without letting him know
seriously im speechless
Dont let him dictate hw ur life goes anymr,u can get a job by lookn for ads on social netwrk same way u posted on MIM or if u really want to come back to naij,go to d police or embassy like joke and faustine said.Goodluck
Pls call his family and let them know whats happening cos i see no reason why he should ask u over when he isnt ready to be with u.
unfotunately .. This is not Nigeria that you can just shout on anyone and get away with it.. Please find your way back home! It is well.
The story isn’t complete. This is not marriage. He’s married to the other lady cos if he wasn’t, he would have explained his involvement with the lady. And he wouldn’t be treating u like trash. It’s either u look for something doing over there if you have the right papers or demand to go home cos u are no longer interested in the marriage. I’m sure to have access to a phone so call both families and report him.
My first advice is report him to the authorities so you can gain your freedom.then I have a question for you why do you allow yourself to be tied up to a crap like him who doesn’t care or respect you?. If you can use the internet why not contact family and friends give them your address so they can come get you out.you are the one responsible for what you are getting right now. Start now!!!!!!
Hmm, things women go thru in d name of marriage. We really need to focus more on building ourselves n not allow husbands dictate if we will be happy or not.
You are in a ‘situation ship’ not a marriage. Since you have access to write this mail then you have Internet access. If you have papers , go online to job websites such as indeed.com, LinkedIn.com and even craigslist.com. Then look for a nigerian church to attend, again go online and search for one closest to you. To create a new network go to meetup.com, there are a whole lot of like minded people you can meet from there. Look for solutions to your predicament. The Internet is full of information, search for it instead of looking at facebook walls
First of all, pardon me for saying this, but the lady is ‘stupid’. All ye girls who go after men based abroad while u r based here in Nigeria that is what u deserve. U r not married, u wanted d title n u got it. The man is aware that was what u desired n he gave it to u. Don’t act surprised. If u know what is good for u better forget the man and move on with ur life.
I feel for u but not it was a good lesson. Hope u learn from it.
its time women seat up and take charge of their lives. take the well meaning advice here and soon all this will be history. if your papers are complete I’ll rather you stay there and seize that opportunity to get a fresh start where nobody knows you and where society can play minimal influence in your decisions.
Poster if I were you I won’t go back to Nigeria rather I shall find a way to survive over there,someone must surely help you leave the so called husband, socialise a little some whites can help you especially in the church there…my opinion.
My advise is clear. Swhrt, I know how you feel. I perfectly understand. You have to take your life back in your hands dear. You have to get moving. You have to start making friend. You have to start asking people questions about where you can get help. You have to find out what the laws are where you are. You have to start from somewhere,somehow. It’s tough but it’s achievable. You have to start making contacts. Forget the nationalities now. Find a good church. You need a support group. People you can talk to about your issues. Western societies aren’t like Nigeria. You have to speak to the right people to get help. You have to know what your visa status can get you. You have to search online and everywhere and most importantly,you have to Pray. Forget the man for now,please ,please and please pick up your life. Get medical,psychological and physical help. All that you need me eat healthy and right,exercise do you will have the energy to start.I know what you are going through. You can make it there. You can succeed. It seems there are no answers now. But take it one step at a time dear, the answers will come. AM PRAYING FOR YOU.
Find ur way back home
Since he has said your parents should send you flight money, then contact them so you can go back home fast
Lord have mercy
I think you should go back home to have peace of mind.
Get a job yourself and leave that sorry ass man alone. He is not worth you.
Dear poster if you ‘ve a right visa dat can fetch you a job and start living a good life for yourself. bcos if she doesn’t have a job she won’t have money to spend on herself thereby living on the man stipends. get a job, make your self happy cos nobody is gonna do that for you. who knows you might even find another love and start a family of your own.
Its the problem most girls get themself into….this is same reason a friends sister refuse to get married, he was based abroad and wanted to get married to her while she is in Nigeria, but she insisted that her visa be ready before the wedding so the leave together,he rather want to leave before she join and No was her answer, that ended the rlationship and she is happy she didnt take the risk….lets be wise thats what God gave us brains for
Dear MIMM , if u come across any couple dat need a surrogate parent, someone to have a child for dem and that will be well paid. Please contact me. Or call me on, 08065925993 Thank you.
My dear, first and foremost, do your research.. on him.. the other ‘wife’ or live-in… his company…. if they are married, it will not be hidden… find out the kind of visa you have… find out what your options are… talk to someone(the authorities)….. then make make your decision… be sure to have peace about any decision you make…
It is well with you…
Dear poster, there is no need staying in the marriage because i see ur husband not been a trustworthy person, if ur parents can afford u going back home please explain to them and go back home, it safer to be with ur people than been where u av nobody. Any thing can happen. It is well with u
We’ve had this post before,the truth is you need to return home cuz you are an illegal immigrant.he can’t get any thing for you cuz you both bear same sur name by marraige and will affect his identity he has simply brought you there to fufil your heart desire but you are in bondage,leave before you are found and deported.
please go back home and start ur life afresh,there are better days ahead.
My opinion a babe’s life should not be dependent on a guy’s life,if that is the way it is then the babe will be disappointed.In your case,thank God you have a preview of your situation all what you need do is to reach out,so how do you handle this?You have to relax and be calculating, Google a church and start attending preferably the one that’s close to your location and has a high black attendance,be serious, watch people around you,make friends I mean good ones am sure they will advise you rightly.After picking up yourself pls forget about the guy he can never make u happy.No matter what anybody says you will be the one to be there when the chips are down.But sincerely you need friends to stand with you.Please do not make decisions when you are weak and vulnerable. May God help you.