Grieving Mum Recounts Heartbreaking Stillbirth Experience

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A devastated Florida mum, Natalie Morgan, 29, took to her Facebook page to share heartbreaking photos of her cradling her stillbirth baby, Eleanor Josephine, who died when she was 40 weeks pregnant, urging other parents to value their children and enjoy every moment with them.

She wrote:

“There will be times your child will scream and cry any time you try to put him or her down. Or they’ll cry even as they’re in your arms and you’ve done everything you can possibly think of to get them to stop. There will be sleepless nights, multiple diaper changes in a matter of minutes, spit up in your hair, pee on your shirt, and poop in your hands, and again – so much screaming from the baby, and probably from you as well. Every time that happens, every time you feel frustrated and want to run away, please remember my story.

We went to Labor and Delivery immediately, praying the whole way there. They tried the doppler – nothing. Before they put the ultrasound wand on me, they ran the heartbeat monitor over my belly – nothing. My heart was sinking fast, and I remember thinking ‘This can’t be happening…this is just a dream…this can’t be happening…They’ll find something on the ultrasound…just *something*.’ But these were feeble hopes, because again, I knew. I could tell they knew, too, but no one said anything until Brian (who was parking the car) got there.

I could tell they were delaying, ‘Oh, the ultrasound machine sometimes takes a while to boot up.’ I think there’s something wrong with the wand….’ Finally, Brian was there, they did the ultrasound, and there was silence as they all exchanged nervous glances.

Finally one of them matter-of-factly said, ‘Hi Natalie, I’m Doctor ______ (I don’t remember her name, but you don’t want to know what I call her in my head). I’m sorry…there’s nothing there. I keep having flashbacks to that moment. It’s a crippling, all-consuming feeling of utter suffocation, and a memory that will haunt me for the rest of my life. In that moment, I felt trapped as if the ceiling was literally crashing down on top of me. I couldn’t breathe, I lashed out, I screamed, I threw things, I threw up…and then a piece of me died with her.

I was helpless to change anything. My body was supposed to keep her safe, and instead it killed her.

She was beautiful. She was perfect in every way. I love her so much, and the devastation I felt, and still feel, cannot even begin to be described. We (she and her husband, Brian) got to spend 6 hours with her. We took hundreds of photos. A photographer from “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” came by and took even more. We bathed her, we brushed her hair, we held her, kissed her, and told her how much we loved her. And I apologized over and over again for failing her. Oh, how I failed my beautiful baby girl.

They offered to allow us to stay the night, but I couldn’t stay there any longer. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my daughter, either, but I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable.
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As time went on, she was looking less and less like the flawless child that I brought into this world. I couldn’t keep watching her deteriorate in my arms. I knew she couldn’t feel any pain, but I was feeling it for her, and I had reached my breaking point. I wanted to die with her.

All I ask of you is when you have your dark moments with your baby – when you’re at your wits’ end and feel like you can’t go on anymore when you’re only getting an hour or two of sleep a night – instead of begging your child to go to sleep and being swallowed up in your frustration and exhaustion, find the tiniest bit of strength within you to keep going, and say a prayer of gratitude for your child, as difficult as it may be in that moment.

And if you would, say a prayer for me and all the mothers whose children were taken from them too soon. Say a prayer for my sweet, sweet Eleanor who never got to know life outside my womb.

Please. Do it for Eleanor. And do it for her mommy who loves her and misses her beyond measure.”