MEMOIRS OF A MUM: My New Mummy Phase

By Chinwe Kalu

I am entering into another phase of motherhood. It is that phase when as a Mum, you realise, ‘whatever I have not done up to this time, I probably can no longer do.’ It is a very sobering thought.

When my children were younger, they needed me. I could come to their rescue for almost anything. Remember the Three Crowns Advert where the kids were asking, ‘Don’t you wish your Mummy was as ______ as mine?’ I was the super Mum. I was on top of my game. Fill in the gaps – Smart, Pretty, Loving, Strong. I fit the bill.

I could handle any home work. I would always boast to them, ‘Your Mummy is a very smart Mummy’ and they would smile in agreement. Their friends were my friends. I was involved in the friendships. I made lots of parent friends by simply managing their friendships. I chose their clothes. Whatever I bought was good enough. They loved the clothes, shoes and school bags I bought. Nobody ever complained. What about the social areas? I was always able to help them manage whatever issues that arose with other kids in school. I just knew what to do.

Now they are all teenagers. Even my almost 12-year-old thinks like a teenager. My son is 18 and in first year in university. His school work is a no go zone for me. He grapples with stuff like Calculus, Physics, Psychology, etc. What do I know about those? I struggled with physics and calculus in university. I just cannot help him. His friends? I wish I knew all of them. I do ask questions and he answers, still, I cannot say I know all I should about his friends. His clothes, I have not bought anything for him in the last four years. His social issues, I am not even sure I understand them anymore.

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With his sisters, 16,14, 12, it is the same story. My 16-year-old is an art student- Literature, Government, History, etc. I simply cannot help her. I was a Science student. I know her friends but I am not always in on what they are all about. I apparently know more than a lot of other Mums do, but I must confess I wish I could know more. Recently, she ran for prefect office in school and lost. I could not do anything for her. I wish I could have taken the disappointment for her, but I could not. She called me to say, ‘Mummy, I didn’t make it but I am hanging in there.’ I was powerless to make it go away. She had to grapple with it all by herself.

She is so different from me when I was her age. She does not like high heels. She does not like make-up. She is wearing an afro instead of a perm. She is not into jewellery at all. She likes simple jeans and t-shirt; simple cuts and colours. All the pink I use to buy for her no longer feature strongly as she buys her own clothes. In all, she is very feminine, not masculine at all. How can I help her? She is so different from me.

I have similar challenges with her younger sisters, 14 and 12. Being away in boarding house, I cannot really get involved in their school work anymore. When I buy them clothes, they don’t wear them, even the younger one. I technically know their friends but I’m not as involved as I would have loved to be. I also realize that I know more than most Mums, but less than I would want to. When they are home, they pick calls and walk away, so I do not listen to their conversations. Can you imagine?

I could go on and on.  However, I’m glad my children do not give me concerns. I wish I could help more but I don’t stay up at night, worrying. I have never received any negative reports about them from school, church, friends or adults. I just know they can handle what comes their way; good and bad. They do well in school, without my help. They manage their relationships well. They have never got into major scrapes in school that I need to be worried about. Like they have been taught, they stay on top of their games. It appears that what I really needed to do to get them to function right at this stage has already been done.

However, I know they still need guidance, help, direction, and sometimes, outright instructions. In addition to these, I pray. I pray all the time. When I do get anxious for whatever reason, I pray. Instead of worrying, I pray. This sounds so politically incorrect, but I confess that is what I do. I pray the Word about my seed (children) from the Scriptures. It works!

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I figured that He gave them to me. He fashioned them and has great plans for them. He knows their friends. He understands their tastes. He is not intimidated by Physics and Calculus. He has the ability to lead, guide and prod them in the right direction. He has the power to ward off trouble or evil. He is my best bet, any time. I simply latch unto Him and, by association, they are latched on to Him. That is the safest place they could be.

Who is my inspiration? Susanna Wesley, Mother of the Wesley Brothers who were the pioneers of the Methodist Church. She had 19 children in all, nine of which died as infants.

Commentaries about Susanna say these discussions involved prayers for each child. I am not surprised at the influence those children and their children had over their society in their day.

If they continue as they are, I could have Charles and John Wesleys among my children. I like the idea of children who affect their world for good, who have good character, who influence their peers positively. That is my only dream for my children. Did I say only? That is a huge dream and I will do my bit on my knees for them. He will bring it all together and make all the things I have done and still do as a mother, work together for their good. I’ll just keep latching on. Mummies, please join me. You really cannot do it by yourself.