Dear MIMsters: How Do I Get Out Of This Mess My Baby Daddy Put Me Without Losing My Son?

What can I do to get out of this? I need candid advice and God’s intervention.

I will be 32 in January. I met my baby’s father in June 2009. I was a banker then (contract staff but with different salary because of my additional qualification). He had no job after his NYSC in 2007 and was living with his uncle in the same state where I work. Regardless, we started a relationship and prayed together for God to grant him a good job. He’s the type that comes to my office and everybody knew him to be my boyfriend. He also stayed with me all the time during weekends.

He got a job in 2010 but the day he collected his first salary, he was also given a sack letter. Only God knows what happened because till today, I still don’t know what really happened. He cried so badly and I encouraged him to try further. I withdrew some amount of money in my account and gave to him to start a business though I told him I borrowed him so that he would be serious. He thanked me severally and even his mother really thanked and prayed for me. However, after a month, the money I gave him was already finished without any profit or the capital despite the fact that I always funded every of his expenses, even for his several other job interviews in different states.

In December 2010, he came back from one of his numerous travelling for job interviews and when I was helping him unpack his clothes (he was staying with me then because he had a fight with his uncle’s wife), I saw a slip with the list of a new baby’s name. I asked him and he confessed and begged me, saying he didn’t know how to tell me. He said the pregnancy was a mistake with his first girlfriend, that he met the lady when she came to process her admission at the college of education close to his uncle’s house.

I cried so much and told him I’m no longer interested, that he should go and marry his baby mama but he begged. His mother and an elderly clergy man too begged on his behalf. After some months, I decided to forgive him but I was very cautious because my dad did not accept him. Meanwhile, we were not having sex too because I was a virgin. He later got a civil servant job in 2013 and started disturbing me for sex. I told him I vowed to God that I won’t do it until I’m married. He said we should get married and I requested for him to take me to his home.

He took me to his town but not his home. He took me to where he said he grew up – his Islamic training school (Ilekeu), where his mother and father came to meet us and get introduced. When we left there, I was angry because he didn’t tell me he was taking me to that place. We had agreed we were going to his house, only for him to take me to that place. He explained that it would be disrespectful for him not to take me to his Imam because he’s like a father to him. I also took him to Lagos, where my parents reside.

My father still does not like him because of his first mistake. He told me he is a liar but I persuaded him that he is the only man I love. Subsequently, we set a date for introduction only for him to attend with his dad and the Imam alone. Their excuse was that his mother and others couldn’t come because someone died and they didn’t want to shift the date of the introduction.

After the introduction, I allowed sex that same month and he deflowered me. I became pregnant and that’s when the whole issue started. I started receiving a strange call from a hidden number – the woman cursed and abused me, she called me a husband snatcher. I was devastated. I even allowed my fiancé to answer one of the calls and he said I should not pick the call again, that he doesn’t know who is calling. The call continued for 4 days and I reported also to MIL who said I should also curse the person back. I was surprised and it really disturbed my work in the office.

Later, my fiancé started travelling frequently, like every 2 weeks. He would say he’s going for a prayer – he just changed and when I was 4 months gone, I told I don’t want to deliver in the same house I rented and lived while still single. Note that I’ve been the one paying rent and everything – I did because of his little income. He did not care about the new rent, but I started searching for a new house.

Even with my condition, we started having issues whenever he comes back from his several travels. I later found out he was always visiting his baby mama who he previously said was a mistake and he did not love. I made up my mind that he had succeeded in betraying me, so, I moved on, facing my job and my pregnancy,

Later in my 8th month, he came back from work one night and said they’ve brought his baby mama, that he must get a house for them to live. I cried and called my mum in Lagos to come and stay with me till I delivered. He rented a flat for them and started switching between his baby mama’s house and mine – 3 days at a time for each of us. I was emotionally dead. This is somebody I did not force myself on, somebody that drove other suitors away and always came to wait for me to close in at office every day, just to monitor my movements. My other colleagues who envied me said he was doing that because he loved me then.

He deflowered me when I was 29 years and had invested 5 years in relationship. He hide everything and didn’t keep friends, so, I couldn’t easily make enquiries. I remember I went back to his Imam personally then to enquire about his child and if he was married, stating that I don’t want a polygamous family though we are Muslims and he reassured me. Why would a cleric do that? Now, their lies have been unveiled and I’ve been going through hell.

When I was 40 weeks gone, I did not feel anything. They had to induce me and carry out a CS to bring out my baby. The baby mama that I don’t even know was brought to the hospital by my baby daddy four days after my delivery to greet me. I was ashamed of myself and at the same time, very angry. He didn’t inform me before bringing her and their child.. I have a baby boy and she has a girl.

The major reason I’m writing this is because I found a document recently where he filled her name as his next of kin. He even stated he is married in the civil servant staff data he filled in 2013 when he was employed. I saw another document he filled in Feb. this year where he used his daughter’s name as the next of kin, even though he has a child with me too.

I kept the document and showed him and he immediately tore the papers, saying they were not relevant and that while he was filling the document then, somebody insisted that he should use the other woman’s name. It resulted into a fight and I wanted to leave with my son who is now a year plus but he insisted I can’t go with his son. Our neighbours had to intervene because of our frequent fights and he told them that it my destiny, that I must accept it. I’ve decided to leave for a very long time but he’s using my son to stop me because I can’t live my son with him.

I’ve collected my car which he uses but I want to go. I want to go somewhere very far, I can’t be a husband snatcher. I have discovered that woman is his wife and was living with his parents in the village before her family brought her and she’s not working. I want him to take care of his family as he’s not responsible for my wellbeing. I paid for my baby’s delivery and have been responsible for all our bills. I’m just tired and want to live in peace.

God is my witness, I’m not lying. This is the only mistake I’ve ever made. Everything was very smooth for me, even while in school because I was very brilliant.

I want to know how I can get out without living my son behind. His mother has been pretending as if she does not know since the first wife came and they are all from the same village, so, I’m the outsider.

I’ve also involved FIDA and they said I have to charge him to court but because we are not legally married, they advised against it. I don’t also want a court case because of the time involved and for my son’s sake. Please advise me.