Dear MIMsters: My mother and I do not have a normal relationship and it’s nothing spiritual

RE: On the story of the lady whose mother resented her while growing up and now she is not attached to her! I read the story and just smiled at those comments saying it’s a spiritual issue. I can relate with the situation because I am going through the exact same thing.

Growing up was made horrible by my mother. She never saw any good in me. She always called me a witch. She would slap me publicly at the slightest mistake a child could ignorantly make. Worst of all, she preferred my siblings to me and they, especially my younger brother, took advantage of that. He would intentionally look for my trouble, spoil my things, insult me and I dare not touch him. If I reported him to our mother, I would end up being blamed and called “abaya” (immature).

There was a day I fought my brother and although he was the one who started it, my mum came without asking questions and threw a hard object at me from a distance and it landed on my right eye. I had a red very swollen eye for weeks. My class teacher saw me and couldn’t help but lament. I had never seen my dad more angry that day. I was a responsible child and teenager but I was never happy. I had a low self esteem and at a point, I thought my mother wasn’t my biological mother.

I was hardworking and as early as 11years, I had begun washing the family’s clothes and when neighbours praised me and told my mum how lucky she was to have such a hardworking young girl, she would tell them off saying I am doing it for self. She never appreciated me.

On the other hand, my dad was the best. He loved us so much and equally too. However, my mum had a way of prevailing over him against me. She was always happy to report me to him but would never do same to my brothers. Minor issues were over exagerated. At age 16, I attempted to run away to an unknown place but my plan failed. I attended a boarding school and anytime I was going to school, my dad would give her money to buy me provisions, but my mum instead of buying Milo for instance, she would buy Richoco ( which she knew I didn’t like, but because it’s cheaper, she would buy it). She would end up buying insufficient and cheaper things. I was not always happy going home for holidays.

I was a brilliant child, but she would stop my dad from rewarding my excellence because my siblings would not benefit from it. This resentment continued till my mid twenties when we lost our beloved daddy. That was when she suddenly changed and has been trying to be the “best mum”.

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By God’s grace, I am gainfully employed and I am comfortable. I hold no grudges against her, and I have forgiven her. I buy her real good things, she is the envy of her friends, colleagues, neighbours. However, I have no mother-daughter relationship with her, no attachment whatsoever. I can’t and don’t discuss my private issues with her, cause I’m not comfortable doing that. As a “good mother” she’s trying to be, she wants to know who I’m dating, what’s going on with me, etc. I only tell her there’s no one yet. She’s “worried” that at 30, I’m still single.

Although I have struggles and issues finding a man, I can’t talk to her, I don’t see her as my friend, confidante. I feel awkward in her presence and I can’t even hold my mum. This I knew the day she asked me to do her make up, and it was so so awkward for me to touch her. This is because growing up, I wasn’t close enough to her to hold her. I have vowed never to raise my kids following her footsteps. Although I have moved on and have no grudges against her, I am not attached to her and IT IS NOTHING SPIRITUAL.