Dear MIMsters: This loving man wants me to marry him but his son is a thorn in my flesh
I am a single mother of two boys aged, 5 and 7. I had both of them as a teenager and have never been married. I would like to marry this man but his son is a thorn in my flesh.
I met a widower who is 21 years older than I am sometime in 2013. He lost his wife a year before I met him, and when he proposed a relationship, I didn’t care about the age difference or that he had 5 children. He had his older kids; a boy, 19, and girl, 22, with his late wife, as well as a son and twin girls from previous relationships. Only his two children with his wife live with him. Others live with their mothers but he is responsible for their upkeep. He lived outside Lagos, so, I always visited him and got along very well. In 2014, he asked me to move in with him and I did.
His son initially liked me but we had some issues after I moved in which led to a serious altercation. I wanted to leave but his dad kept begging me to stay and I did. After few months, he asked me to marry him but wanted me to get pregnant first. I had several reservations about that, so, I refused to get pregnant.
2014 rolled into 2015 and we were still not married but living together. His daughter and I got along a little bit but it irked me that she and her brother always called me by my name as if were mates, and their father still hasn’t done anything about it. His late wife’s pictures are all over the house, despite telling him that I am not comfortable with it. He told me that we’ll get married and live differently soon since his children will soon be independent, adding that I should be patient.
Then, he started having financial issues. Sometime in 2015, it got to a stage that at times, we had no food in the house. I had previously started a business to support my kids but everything went down the drain because of debts incurred to support him.
Now, he is trying to get back on his feet. It’s difficult to walk away because he was very good to me when he had money and still doesn’t hide anything from me. He loves my children and buys them gifts. He even told me they’ll come live with us when we finally tie the knot but his son’s attitude always unnerves me.
In January, he fought me again and I had to leave the house for some days. I stayed at a friend’s place and his dad kept begging me to come back. He got a pastor involved and his son apologized. So, I came back home but kept malice with him for over 6 months. I just started talking to him again when I stopped fooling myself and realised nothing I do will ever make those children respect me. They don’t respect their father either, as they talk back at him, raise their voice at him and use very disrespectful words when he scolds them. I was shocked on one occasion he scolded his son and called him a fool and the saucy boy called him a fool right back. He stared at his son and didn’t do anything.
A pastor came to the house sometime last year and asked him to remove his late wife’s pictures. He did and the house felt light but those children put it back, saying he removed their mother’s pictures because of me and their dad let them be. Till now, the pictures are still in the house and on his iPad too. I asked him to remove them from his iPad but he lovingly said they serve as memories and I should let him keep them.
Now, he’s saying we’ll get married by the end of the year and soon move to a new house where his late wife’s pictures won’t be any more but I’ve been very confused lately. I don’t know if I still want the marriage. I have packed my things severally but he keeps begging me not to leave, saying if I do he’ll die as I’m the one that keeps him going and gives him hope. He says nobody will cook for him or take care of him like me.
His daughter graduated last year, and though she’s not as rude as her brother, as old as she is, she can’t cook even a pack of noodles properly, talk less of preparing soup. She’s not homely at all and her arrogant brother doesn’t want to go to school. In fact, I have lost count of the number of times he has failed SSSCE; they keep moving him from one school to another each year, all to no avail. All the boy does is to sit with his laptop from morning till night, watching porn. I’m their slave in that house as they don’t do anything and I dare not complain. I doubt any house-help can tolerate their rudeness and several excesses.
I’m really confused and need good advice. Should I continue putting up with these children, especially the boy, and marry their father? He’s a good man but I’m scared his son’s attitude towards me will only get worse if I officially replace his late mum. What do I do?
Why would you want him to delete pictures of her on his iPad? Taking down the pictures in the house Is okay, but deleting from his iPad? That’s extreme. It is like asking him to burn their pictures together. You are not coming to replace her and until you understand that, you will keep having issues with those pictures. As for the kids, one day the girl will be married and leaves. For the boy, if you can, ignore him and his excesses. You need to get a maid and stop doing those things yourself. About calling you your name, is your name not your name!? These are grown kids and you don’t expect them to call you mommy do you? Anyways if you can cope with all these, then by all means marry him. If not, opt out now oh.
he has too much baggage move on
As this may sound, from the tone of your post, you don’t seem to like the children in the first place. You only want their Father to yourself. You must realized that marrying a widower with kids means being a wife to the man and mother to the children. A mother doesn’t hate her kids irrespective of their attitude right? What a mother does to indisciplined children is to lovingly correct them.
Men/boys love their mums too much and the attitude of this boy in question is not unusual. He sees you as a replacement to his mum(which you are if you marry his dad). You need to try to become a mother to him and his sister. Persistently show him them love even if they throw it at your face. With time they will come to understand your message of love and peaceful coexistence. You need not dwell on any of their misbehaviors. Rather you should bring maturity to play here.
As for you asking for late wife’s pics to be deleted you need to stop it. Show your man much love and affection and in no time you ll see those pics no more as he will delete them without you asking.
Above all these, ask God for wisdom to be a kind stepmother and not a wicked stepmother.
God bless you
If you are able to live with them since 2014 till date, I think it will work. He’s still seeing you as his father’s concubine, if you marry him, it might get worse or better, but in any way, you have legal rights. Love the kids and teach them with love
If you don’t have strength for this dude, move on cos this is just the beginning.