Dear MIMsters: Why I am Afraid to Join My Erratic Husband Abroad

We now live in different countries in pursuit of his job and it is getting harder to stay in love with him. He looks for every opportunity to create strain in our relationship. He does not forgive anything. When there is an argument, every past wrong is brought up. His thing is raising his voice and saying things like, ‘if you have people who fear or respect you, that is not me’, ‘how can you talk to your husband like this’, ‘let me put you aside quietly, nobody needs to know’. He is erratic.

He will make promises to me and the children and not deliver, and if I follow up especially for the sake of the  children, he will explode and talk about how I do not appreciate what he is doing for us. I have no idea what he does with the money he earns. He will use whatever knowledge he has of my family to demean and insult them. He has gone as far as insulting my late father and my mother.

I have reached a place where I do not speak about my family or confide in him about anything as he will turn any bit of knowledge into an insult at his convenience. I am afraid to ask for money and have began to fear his calls as I do not know what mood he will be in. He changes statements he makes all the time, I now feel I need to buy a recorder to record our conversations. I was beginning to think I was going crazy when I would remember different facts, but the last few instances, I actually write down what is said during or immediately after a conversation – he will argue that that is my recollection.

He does not support any effort I try to make to supplement the family resources, he will oppose something till my zeal for a venture dies. He did not tell me the truth about his work situation in the foreign country and we agreed that I leave my job as we were supposed to join him within the month, its been 2 years now. I now have to hide what I am doing in order to feed the children and keep them clothed. He recently closed any access to the account we had together. He first started with restricting the funds in the account could be used for to total closure to access.

For a while, I was very depressed such that after taking my children to school, I would curl up in my bed and cry but now I am determined I will no more ask him for money but will ensure the children eat and are clothed and educated through my buying and selling business.

I am due to join him soon but his attitude to me has killed any desire to join him. I just want to make a life for me and my children here. Right now we are barely making it, but with more peace and dedication, we could probably settle bit by bit. I am also afraid that in a foreign country, I will be 100% dependant on him and his moods are increasingly difficult to manage. He blows hot and cold. Today he will be all loving for 2 days and day 3 to 7 he will be a nightmare. But I find myself looking forward to the 2 days of love and acceptance. The other day when he was talking about a difficult discussion he had at work, I advised that he keeps quiet and speaks last. He laughed and said he is meek and polite with everyone else, it’s only with me he is rude.

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All the 9 earlier years seem like a dream, I was either very blind to the signs or he was a good actor. I am committed to my husband and marriage. I have remained faithful to him. I have no desire to seek another as this experience is very unsettling. He has tried to alienate me from family and friends and has succeeded with some. No one but my Lord knows what I am going through, the children are beginning to suspect that I am not happy; this I have picked up from their prayers ‘dear God make mummy happy and give her a good job.’ It is even difficult to borrow even from best friends as I have kept this face up for so long. We are blessed in that we live in a house I built before getting married so I don’t have to pay any rent. A month ago, my daughter needed a root canal done, I had to place her on strong pain killers till I collected enough to pay for the procedure. My husband was clear what we could use the funds in the account for and toothaches were not on the list.

I just am so confused.