Dear MIMsters: My Husband Still Hasn’t Forgiven Me All These Years
I posted here some few years back but let me summarise for a better understanding.
I got married to my hubby at 23 (a virgin) and he is 8 years older, also a virgin. His mother was against the Union (she said a white garment prophet told her we are not compatible). As we are both born again Christian, we sought the face of God, had our convictions and we got married.
We have been married for 21 years.
Immediately after I gave birth to my first born child, my MIL started living with us (20 yrs ago), till date. It has been HELL. Seven years into our marriage my hubby got a job in another town so he relocated leaving me, mama and the children but came home every weekend.
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Along the line, a brother in our church where my hubby is the pastor who had accommodation problem moved in with us. Hubby just told me one Sunday after church that this man will now start leaving with us.
I was against it because mama and his nephew were already leaving with us but he insisted and I complied. Mama and this man became so close that I had to always leave the leaving room for them to stay in my room .
Later, this man came to tell me everything mama told him and advised me to allow Mama cook her food.
To cut the story short, eventually I became close to this man and he slept with me. We both felt bad and he left my house without telling my hubby.
Eventually, I relocated to my hubby’s place at his station. Four years later, this same man came that we should accommodate him because he wanted to do a course in the town I relocated to but I refused.
My hubby was shocked and angry with me, and insisted that the man should come. I now opened up to hubby and told him what happened between us. (I have been looking for way to tell him).
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My hubby was shattered. Ah! My sisters, it’s been 9 years since I confessed to my hubby but my life has been miserable. There is no treatment I have not received from my hubby as I cry nearly every day. I have gone to many men of God to tell them what I have done that they should help me beg but no, it has been hell.
My self esteem is zero as he makes me see myself as the worst sinner on earth. I am a child of God. What happened was a serious error on my part I would never repeat, that was why I insisted we should not accommodate this man.
My question is what should I do? My hubby does not REALLY want to divorce me (neither do I) but the emotional trauma is killing me. My mum is presently with us and she is sick. Should I tell her? Should I tell my children? They see daddy always shouting at me but they don’t know why.
I don’t want them to eventually get to hear from anyone except me. Can you please recommend a marriage counsellor as we are both Christians.
My husband said he does not like the way he treats me, he does not beat me, but we relate like strangers. There is no other woman any where but he hates me and can’t help it because he is wounded. PLS HELP US.
See a counselor ASAP please.
maybe you both need to stay apart for a while.so he can clear his head.miss u abit and realise he still loves u if he still does.n if he thinks he is better of wtout u den u both sd get a divorce n stop hurting each other…or better stillgo see a counsellor
Both of you should go and see a councilor, there’s no point dragging the children into this matter, it’s too big for them to comprehend and you don’t want them resenting you.
You shouldn’t HV discussed dis with him. U should HV asked God for 4giveness n move on. As for d man, u should hv find anoda reason to stop him from staying. U didn’t do d right thing telling him d truth. Men can tolorate, but not anoda man sleeping wt dere wife. All dsame, meet a cansellor n pray to God to change his hrt n Mk him 4gt n 4gv
If u knew,u wouldn’t have told ur husband about it,u should have met with that man,discuss with him and let him see reasons he CNT come,am sure he won’t want to stay unless he enjoyed what happened before.
But the deed has been done already,way forward now is call ur husband when u are alone,tell him u would want to seek for separation cause u can see he is not heal yet and if God has forgiven u,but he hasn’t,then u will want to stay away from him for a while and seek Gods face for next thing to do cause u are being traumatized and hurt everyday,which is affecting u psychologically
Good day. You did well by telling him. Keeping it will hurt you more. Try see a counselor.May i also mention that its not going to be a easy for the both of you. He loves you.I also think he choose to obey God by avoiding divorce. He is still hurting . Keep praying for him. I can feel his pain because am also going through same. This is one thing every married couples should avoid. Pls dont give up. That he is still with you is a good sign/ proof that he loves you and fears God.
Firstly, you have to accept that when you repented of a sin and ask for forgiveness, God has forgiven you. To God, it is as if you never did it, so God is not holding it against you in any way. Therefore, receive the forgiveness by faith, and forgive yourself too. You are cleared and cleansed already, so don’t let ANYONE (including your husband) make you feel like that sin that no more exists in God’s eyes still exists (Rm. 3:4). This is the lie of the devil.
Secondly, you need to stop telling people about it. You may be hurting him more. Also, it’s not the children’s business, so, you don’t need to tell them. If they have been properly taught the Word of God, that all men are saved by grace, and not by self righteousness, they will be able to forgive you even if they find out from anybody. The most important thing is that you receive God’s forgiveness, live in it and move on from it.
Now, on the issue of your husband, it is not your fault that he treats you badly, he has allowed unforgiveness borne out of pride (unknowingly) to give the devil a foothold in his life, and so, he is being transformed into who he is not.
The day a child of God begins to, in self-righteousness, look down on another for falling into “such a dirty sin” that is so beneath him, that child of God is already walking in Pride (Lk. 18:9-14). We all are daily sustained by grace, not by works or “self-ability”, for all of our self-righteousness is as filthy rags before God our Father (Isa. 64:6). At the Cross of Salvation, a Virgin and a Prostitute have the same “Sinner” status before God (Rm. 3:23). You see, if he believes he himself got the Salvation he didn’t deserve from God, he will be able to forgive.
Now, if he is finding it difficult, he can go to God, to ask for help. Since God himself commanded us to forgive, He gives us grace to do so if we ask.
Now, don’t excuse him by saying, he is like that because of what you did. No, they are two different things. You need to help him, because he may just be heading to hell without knowing – he needs to treat it as a matter of urgency.
If you can, explain to him that you have received forgiveness, and that for the sake of his own Salvation, he too needs to go to God to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness for the sin of unforgiveness and for not treating the wife of his youth well, lest his prayers be hindered.
I commend you to the Holy Ghost that he will teach you more than any man can. I pray that God will give both of you the grace to know and do the right things. May God keep and sustain your marriage. I decree that every foothold of the devil in your marriage is broken and dismantled in Jesus name. God bless you, your husband, and your marriage.