Dear MIMster: I Hope This Helps A Grieving Mother Heal

I’m writing in response to one of your post; the one about the grieving mother who lost a child and wants to have another one to get over the pain.

I wanted to write this in the comment section, but then I saw the number of mothers who had lost their babies and gotten pregnant immediately to fill in the void: I then decided it will be better on a bigger platform.

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About a year ago, there was this girl, my roommate’s friends who always talked about how much her mum hated her. One day, I had to ask her why she would think such a thing, she told me her mum had her shortly after she lost a baby (a girl, she died before her first birthday).

Whenever she did something wrong, her mum would always compare her to the dead child (who was a perfect, a well behaved girl, unlike this troublesome one). If she achieved something like a graduation, the mum will start crying and go on about how the dead child should be the one graduating if she were to be alive. She felt she would never be perfect in her mother’s eyes. This made her feel like her mother hated her and she in turn was beginning to hate the mum.

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I felt so bad for the girl that I decided to do a little research. I found out that there are people with similar stories. The child is called a replacement child. These are children that are conceived shortly after the parents have lost another child, to fill in the void. I also discovered that most times the mothers are not aware that they are treating their children this way. I know that no mother will intentionally hurt a child. The bitterness I saw in that girl’s eyes when she was telling me about her mum is not something a child should feel about their mother.
It’s a sad thing to lose a baby. I cannot imagine a greater pain or loss, but do not extend this grief to the next child. Do not make them live in the shadow of a baby they did not even meet alive. Every child is his/her own person. Who knows, it might even get to the mother of this poor girl and she’ll mend her relationship with her daughter.

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So please for those mothers who unfortunately had lost a baby and intends to have another one to fill the void or to make themselves happy again, perhaps you already have another child, just do a little research about
replacement children and try your best to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes these mothers made with their own children.

I just hope this helps someone out there.