Dear MIMsters: Perhaps God is Bias. Perhaps, He doesn’t love me. I feel so unworthy!!!

Perhaps God is bias. Perhaps, He doesn’t love me. I feel so unworthy!!!

My aunt’s husband, a well-known and respected man of God has been sleeping with me for over 6 years and I am tired! I want to run away but he has me locked down!

When he sleeps with me, he beats me if I struggle with him and he would tell me I would end up in hell fire if I disobey a servant of God. He likes to quote these two verses from the Bible to me every time: “… Believe His prophets, and you shall prosper.” And “Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.”

He would tell me that he is ensuring a better future for me and that if I disobeyed him, my life would be ruined and I will never amount to anything in life.

I started living with them when my mum passed away 7 years ago. My younger brother and I couldn’t continue to live with my dad who seemed distraught at the time. It started with spending the long holidays with them until my aunt, who happens to be my late mum’s elder sister, volunteered to take care of us. My dad didn’t even object to it and I was sad about that.

I was 13 years old when my mum died and I felt I was grown enough to take care of myself and my brother but my dad thought otherwise. Well, less than two years after, my father remarried. My brother and I thought we could go back home but his new wife wouldn’t have us. She said she hadn’t come to care for another woman’s children. Now, they have three children together.

My uncle started touching me the very week we moved in with them. And the day he deflowered me; my aunty was right there in the house. I cried and cried but I got no help. My brother had gone to school while I was already on holiday. It was the holiday after JSS 3 final exams. I cried my eyes out but this wicked man shouted me down. He asked me to clean myself up and to make sure I did not tell anyone about it. He told me no one would believe me anyways, and that his wife will never go against him.

I tried telling my dad about it but he shut me up. He told me I didn’t respect the anointing of a man of God and that every lie I told against him will work against me in the future. You know, it got to a stage that I started doubting myself. I felt perhaps, I was wrong to think my uncle sleeps with me. I am so confused right now. When I came across this page and realized I could tell my story anonymously, I felt some relief though not sure if it would last.

At over 20-years old, my uncle remains the only man that still sleeps with me and finally, when I summoned courage to tell a friend in school, who told her elder brother, who went to the church to accost my uncle, the guy was arrested and beaten blue-black by the police. He was made to write an undertaking that he would never ever accuse my uncle wrongly again. I was also instructed to deny what my uncle was accused of and shamefully, I had to. I felt like I should die that day at the police station.

My aunty called me all sorts of names and said she would rather throw me out than leave her husband. She said he has been a supportive husband because unlike other men would do to their TTC wives, he has been faithful and consistent with her. She said I was not even the kind of woman that would entice her husband. This man has aborted for me three times and yet, I am made to feel like I am trying to tarnish his image.

He is a popular pastor, and from time to time, he wins awards all over the country and abroad.

Let me stop here before I reveal too much. I just needed to unburden. The only reason I am still living is for my brother. I wish my mum was still here. I wish she did not die. I wish I could go back to my first 12-years of life before my mum’s death. I can never trust anyone who calls himself a pastor because I think God doesn’t deal with them. I have asked God to help me kill my uncle but it seems the more I pray, the stronger he gets. Perhaps the scriptures he quotes to me are true. Perhaps God is bias. Perhaps, He doesn’t love me. I feel so unworthy!!!