Dear MIMsters: Where Is This Bitterness and Unhappiness Coming From?

I will be 22 years old in October. I am a graduate and I will be serving soon. I want to know why am I so bitter and unhappy? Where is this bitterness and unhappiness coming from?

I have a beautiful life, or so it seems to others but the reality is that I am not a happy person. Throughout my life and my schooling period, I usually come top in class, even in the higher institution and among my peers. Nobody gets close to my G.P in school.

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I started schooling early, finished early without stress, came out the best graduating student countless times. I had so many friends flocking around me, both male and female, to the envy of others. But the truth is, they don’t know how sad I am as a person. I can’t remember the last time I experienced happiness from within.

I got myself a phone on my graduation but I couldn’t even smile that day as it didn’t move me. I don’t really know how to trace this bitterness to the root. I’m into my first relationship. He is 29 years old and about to go for his NYSC and also wants me to marry him as soon as he gets a job after his National service. It’s a no sex relationship.

This is what many girls want and it is supposed to be a good news but I am not even happy about it. He is good but not as spiritual as I would like and he’s a Catholic. I never prayed to marry one.

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Sometimes I feel I could trace this bitterness to my experience in my home as a child. My dad is a Catholic and not spiritual. He never treated us well including my mum. I saw him beat her. At a point, I had to start fighting him. He cheats on her and doesn’t give a damn. I used to cry all night then, asking God where we went wrong. My mum is a good woman. Yet, he threatens her with abandoning us and marrying another wife.

My education was financed by the Almighty God as a miracle. We ran to God for solace. This made me despise men but I managed to get into a relationship. My heart gets so heavy whenever I remember these bad memories and it makes me feel like marriage is never worth it. I have tried so many times to make myself happy but never succeeded.

Any time my boyfriend tries to do anything I don’t like, the anger in me would always triple. I get so angry that I would want to end it no matter how little the issue was and he would come begging me. He calls me a police woman any time things like that happens.

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I am really grateful to God for how far he has brought my siblings and I. I have things to be happy for but there is no joy coming forth. Then I ask myself why am I this sad?? Is this bitterness as a result of my childhood experience and my frequent tears back then?? What can I do about it? How do I manage this relationship?.