Praising Kids Incorrectly Can Backfire -Study: Find 4 Mistakes To Avoid
By Amy Morin
The idea that we should shower children with praise is somewhat of a new concept and it’s certainly cultural-specific. Many cultures around the world don’t believe it’s a good idea to constantly tell your child how great he is. And that way of thinking certainly seems to have some merit.
Many research studies have studied the effects of praise on children over the past several decades. Most research studies have concluded that praise can be helpful – but only when it’s done right. Praising kids the wrong way can have harmful consequences. Here are four common mistakes parents make when it comes to praising kids:
1. Insincere Praise May Come Across as Condescending
Insincere praise may cause your child to think you are being manipulative, according to a 2002 study published in Psychological Bulletin. Researchers found that older children recognize that parents use praise as a motivational tool so when praise is perceived as insincere, a child is likely to question the adult’s motives.
Praising your child for a job well done when you don’t really mean it won’t be helpful. In fact, it’s can damage your relationship with your child. Make sure that you only praise your child when it’s heartfelt.
2. Comparisons Send the Wrong Message
Comparing your child to her peers sends the message that the ultimate goal is to beat her peers, not necessarily learn new skills. Although competition can be health, praising children for being the best sets them up for failure, according to a 1998 research study from Columbia University.
If your child has received praise for being the best soccer player in his entire class, he may be hesitant to play against other children for fear he won’t be the best anymore. When children are praised for being better than their peers, they stop focusing on learning. Instead, they become anxious about maintaining their rank. As a result, they may fear failure or become anxious about making mistakes.
3. Too Much Praise Decreases Motivation
When children receive too much praise for something they like to do anyway, they may lose motivation to continue. During a 1984 research study by the University of Illinois, children who were praised every time they took a bite of a healthy food, they eventually lost interest in eating that food.
Praise in moderate doses increases motivation. But praising them too much, especially for things kids already enjoy doing, can backfire and cause them to stop the behavior because they grow to expect praise every single time they do it. But if praise is given a little more sporadically, the behavior will be reinforced.
4. Praising a Child’s Abilities Leads to Avoidance
Praising a child for her intelligence, or her exceptional sports skills, can actually cause her to avoid challenges in the future. A child may try to cover up a poor grade if you usually praise her for being really smart or a child who is usually praised for his athletic skills may be hesitant to try a new sport.
Instead of praising your child’s abilities, focus on praising your child’s efforts. Avoid saying, “You’re so smart. You always get such good grades.” Instead, say, “You studied really hard for that test. Nice job putting in so much hard work.” Then, your child will recognize the importance of putting in an effort, even if it doesn’t lead to success.
Source: discipline.about.com