Suspect Your Teenage Son Is Watching Porn? Here’s How to Talk to Him

Ololade Hector-Fowobaje

So, you suspect your teenage son is watching porn or you caught him redhanded? It’s not about seizing his phone, barring him from the computer, spanking him or quarantining him from his friends. Start with his head and heart; talk to him.

*Let him know that watching porn has serious consequences – addiction, masturbation, infertility (addictive masturbation can lead to infertility), an urge to rape/ rape, low self-esteem and unrealistic expectations.

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*Let him know that rape is evil and he should never be involved in such. Tell him also that you’re going to put a filter on his computer (and please do) to protect him from images that may be too much for his developing brain to handle.

*Where social networking is concerned, tell him he should have fun but should not go with the crowd to do wrong.  Tell him you believe in him to stop, and he should get busy whenever the thought to view porn comes to mind (replacement therapy) and/or visualise the consequences of doing so (aversion therapy) and that you won’t tolerate such in your family.

*Now is also the time to talk to him in explicit detail about his sexuality; he has seen porn, so what’s there to leave out? It cannot be overemphasized that the communication line with our children must be open, smooth and no-hold barred. We must talk to them in love and wisdom, while we seize teachable moments and structure weekly chats. As a parent or guardian, you can’t shield your children from every known evil in the world, but it is your responsibility to prepare them for the issues you can anticipate. Since sex education is sorely lacking or wrongly disseminated in our schools, you should involve yourself in guiding and educating your son about sex so that he can grow into a healthy sexual adult.

So, take time to let him know that his sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of and he should be free to discuss anything with you. Tell him that whatever he associates with now is like writing his own personal history, and he should make sure when he reads it in future, he will be proud and not filled with regret.

IT’S BEST FATHERS LEAD THIS TALK

The onus is particularly on the fathers to sex-educate their sons and inspire them to make the right choices. Mothers, get your husbands to do this as sexuality education coming from a father is priceless and more effective where sons are concerned.

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Remember, tone is everything. Well, almost everything. Certainly, what you say to your son or daughter is important, but how you say it will be critical. It is likely that your child or teenager is experiencing some fear, uncertainty, shame, or guilt about having viewed pornography. It is very important that in your conversations with him or her you do not approach the situation with sharp criticism or an overbearing sense of fear, bewilderment, or shame.

Critical also is your own openness. The more this sounds like a lecture, the less receptive your child or teen will likely be. The more you use personal examples from your own life, and the more transparent you are, the less likely he or she will be to shut down emotionally. When we paint a picture-perfect self, our kids won’t yield to us. They must see us as fallible humans with a conscience.

Won’t this conversation awaken more sexual curiosity in them?

The fact that your child/teen has been exposed to porn has already provoked a curiosity about sexual matters. This is not the time to hold back because you are afraid of speaking too soon. Your son or daughter needs your wisdom, not your silence. Dr. Margaret Stager from Case Western Reserve wisely says that “too much too soon” is a rare circumstance in today’s world. The opposite extreme – your children not knowing your values as they pertain to sex – is far more common and dangerous.