Dear MIMsters: How Men Test Women Like a Dog, Dangling a Bone: My Story!

Ti Abasi Toiyo Ekong

Some men want to see what you’ll jump for. That’s why they tell you things like “if a girl is a great cook, I’d marry her without delay” or something like, “my ex was always cooking sumptuous Calabar dishes. I would have MARRIED that girl had it not been for bla bra bra…” Just remember that you are not a dog.

Psychologically, this is the same thing as dangling a bone in front of a dog and seeing if it’ll jump for it. The bone your man is dangling here could be marriage, money, or anything you really want.

My dear, if you hear that and run into his kitchen the next day to cook afang, cook edikan ikong and fried rice to match, you’ve just made your first jump and he’s watching you.

Next thing, he wishes to confirm just how high you can jump for this bone.

He says something like “some girls are not even homely at all. Bla bla bla and you clean the house, wash the clothes, always saying yes, don’t even argue with him, honor him and his friends, act all humble when you’re not. Do the things you don’t do even in your own house, You jumped again.

He knows he has you just where he needs you. He knows you can do anything for this bone. He knows this is how to keep all his clothes clean without a drycleaner and eat all the delicious meals without hiring an expensive chef.

He tells you how his imaginary ex used to wake him up with a blow job and you wear your mouth out every morning, trying to jump higher than she did. Trying to prove you’re the one. Can’t he see? Can’t he see your meals are like something one sees in intercontinental hotels? Can’t he see your mouth is swelling everyday? Where is your bone?

You probably think that you’re not doing enough, so you try harder, you keep jumping and wagging your tail while the person with your mumu button keeps raising the bone, higher and higher.

In the end, believe me, you must get tired if you cook for one year and you don’t even get an aboki ring to deceive yourself. You slag, he complains that you’re changing, you’re not the girl he knew. He wants to study you some more. He can’t rush this. You’re no more the girl he met.

I remember how a guy I just met told me he missed egusi soup the way his ex prepared it. He even described the soup just the way he wanted. So I said “I understand how you can miss things when they’re no more there. I never knew I could miss the way my ex spoiled me every time. We were always going to exotic places and having fun And he’s still telling me we have a future, after three good years. Can you imagine that? My dear, Thank God we have all these noodles now that your ex is no more here to cook for us,” and continued ‘reading’ my novel. He was silent and I knew he had failed. And I don’t even have that imaginary ex, I’m always having automatic replies for such guys, thanks to my brothers.

Guys see these nice girls every time. I grew up with many brothers and their friends. I’ve heard everything and I can tell you that when you jump, you become that woman in “Coming to America” who acted like a dog just to marry the prince.