Dear MIMsters: Why I Have Decided To Stop Using My Heart And Start Using My Head In This Marriage

It’s going to be a long post so please pardon me. I told my husband that I no longer trust him. I also told him I came into this marriage with my heart but he is teaching me to use my head and be smart.

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These are my reasons for telling him…

The first time I read a sex chat on his phone was 2 months after our wedding. When we dated, I never suspected anything or maybe I didn’t look hard enough as I trusted him that much.

When I confronted him, he said the said the girl was his distant cousin and they were that close and could chat like that. He told me it was harmless and he wasn’t cheating on me.

Issue resolved and we moved on. I didn’t have any cause to worry again until March this year when I noticed he had a password on his phone. Then he became sneaky and would cover his phone each time he noticed I was close by.

I concluded he was up to something, so I ‘spied’ on him, found his password and went through his chats. It was obvious he’s been deleting their previous conversations but the few lines I read was enough evidence cos it was that raw.

I confronted him and the other woman. Honestly, I was as polite as possible as my intentions was only to find out if she was aware he is a married man. I know the real problem was my husband. While my husband did not deny not having sex chats, he told me that he has never had sex with any other person since he met me.

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We needed to move on. To resolve the issue, I asked him to delete all other social media apps except Facebook and Whatsapp as well as “unpassword” his phone. This was actually my sister-in-law’s suggestion because I shared it with her.

He agreed and promised he would. He actually did at the time, or so I thought.

2 weeks ago, I noticed he’s been chatting with these two numbers on both phones. I ignored it at first but when he gave me his phone to watch a video, a message dropped in from a contact saved as ‘U’.

I asked him where he meets all these women. He said they are acquaintances. I asked him why he clears his chats if he has nothing to do with them and he said I don’t trust him. I let the issue pass for the night but I wasn’t comfortable. Later I sent him a message on Whatsapp and this is how our conversation went;

Me: “You know when you put up your acts is when you know I am trying to be happy You are frustrating, teaching and turning me into what I am not.”

H: “Probably I am unyielding, rigid and slow to change my habits.”

Me: “Refused to change.”

H: “But I will make promises and I stick to it”

Me: “I honestly did not bargain for this treatment.”

H: “So I want you to tell me what you expect of me and I will do my utmost best to meet those expectations. I know it can’t all come at once but take it as a task or assignment.”

Me: “Before I do so, I also want to know how did things get this bad. Were they habits I ignored or did they just develop as a result of my shortcomings?”

H: “Let go of that and focus on the task.”

Me: “Please tell me.”

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H: “I don’t know.”

Me: “You made some promises even before the engagement. I plead that you try and stick to them at least. Yes a woman is supposed to keep her home, but I cannot do this on my own without your help. Please my dear husband if you really want this to work for us, help me. It’s not my cause alone to fight.”

H: “Ok.”

Me: “Trust they said is earned. I can’t trust you if I don’t have reasons to, and honestly you haven’t given me reasons to. Deny all you want, there are so many things going on in that phone of yours, and it’s only a matter of time before you start acting on them if you haven’t already.”

H: “I made you a promise, please take me up on it.”

Me: “I will.”

Then yesterday, I discovered he was on another new platform (tinder) and from the conversations I read, he initiated all the chats.

I asked him if I made a promise to stop a bad habit and he discovered I was still doing it and worse, will he still trust me? He said NO. I told him about the Apps and the chats on both phones. I told him I can’t trust him any longer and have decided to dump my heart and use my head and prepare for the worst.

He said I am simply saying I no longer love him, and I’ve never trusted him even when he asked me to take him on his word. He said that I am bitter.

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Now my question is am I being paranoid? Am I overreacting, over protective and insecure? Should I wait until things get worse before reacting? If I am adviced to pray, what should and would I be praying about? I have been so unhappy and even rubbing it off on my daughter.

I am scared of a cheating man more than I am scared of death itself. Pls I need answers.