Dear MIMsters: Judging By This Counsel From My Fiancé’s Dad, Should I Hang In There Or Run For My Dear Life?

Should I hang in there or run for my dear life?

I met Teniola on my first trip to Ibadan. I was to have resumed a week earlier but I couldn’t leave my ailing dad all by himself so I stayed back with him. My older siblings were both in school, and my dad, being a single parent did not want me telling the extended family members that he was ill.

Eventually, as soon as he was back on his feet, I got on the next bus to Ibadan so I could go commence my registration as a fresh student. I couldn’t help but notice a guy who ‘undressed’ me with his eyes as soon as I got on the bus at the popular Berger bus stop in Lagos. Not able to help himself, he left his seat and came to the last row where I sat to occupy the last space available. That was how I met Teniola. And I am glad I did not form for him that day because he became my strength in a new environment. He was gentle with me and generous to me. With Teniola, I couldn’t go wrong. He stepped in at all stages and made UI a comfort zone for me. We weren’t in the same faculty but it was like we were because he frequented my faculty and hostel like his life depended on it and from the onset, he made his intentions known to me but I asked him to allow things take shape naturally.

The irony of it all was that we were both new students but he knew his way around. Teniola is a friendly, humble, generous and intelligent handsome man. Lots of ladies swarmed around him on campus but he never failed to show me to them. He was never ashamed to show his commitment to me, and my friends would always tell me how lucky I was to find someone who loved me like Teniola did.

I was on a 4-year course while Teni was on a 5-year course which meant I graduated before him. I was posted to the North for my NYSC and I had thought we may not survive the separation but he held on. I must confess, he invested more -money, time, affections, faith, love, etc. – into the relationship than I did.

He graduated the following year and was posted to Rivers, Port Harcourt precisely for his NYSC primary assignment. Again, with the reputation of girls from that part of Nigeria, I concluded that we were done but Teni proved me wrong again.

All these while, he kept pushing and pushing for me to be on the same page with him. He wanted us to get married and start a family immediately after his service year but I asked him to give me one more year. I was just a year on my job and I wanted to be able to raise some money of my own before settling down. By then, I have seen his dedication and loyalty and I knew he is a great man to spend the rest of my life with.

Up until then, I refused to meet any member of his family because I needed to be able to make decisions without being cajoled. Even though I have grown to love Teniola, I would not want to jump into what would not last. My father was a victim of that because my mother dealt with him in a terrible way. She walked out on him leaving three children behind. My dad struggled to raise the three of us and never remarried. The poor man developed hypertension because of all he suffered from my mother who never looked back after she left him. We made several attempts to win her back but she left the country and severed all contacts with us. My father’s sin was that he was too comfortable being poor. That he did not want to join the fast lane and make money. She said she wasn’t going to be a wife to a poor man. Well, after she left us, God smiled down on my dad and his story changed. Again, he reached out to her but she had settled for a rich Nigerian-American man and they had started raising a family together. She chose him over us, and that almost killed my dad.

With my parents history starring me in the face, I chose to live a very calculated life; refusing to get involved with any man until Teniola came along. His persistence softened me but judging from my latest findings, can I go on?!

After much persuasions, I accepted to meet his parents and brother whom he had told so much about me. Stepping into their home, the first thing that I observed was that they lived in luxury. Teniola never gave me an inkling of how wealthy his parents were and I made a mental note to ask him why later.

His only surviving sibling, Olalekan (I learned his 2 sisters died in a road accident a few years back) has health challenges but he is a friendly dude. He took to me instantly and I liked him. His dad, -from whom he obviously took his good looks- did not say much to me. He had a happy but sober ambience around him while his mum asked all the necessary and absurd questions anyone could be asked on this side of life. And as much as I could, I answered her questions while Teniola jumped in from time to time, to rescue me. I noticed his mum tried to cow him with her looks but he persisted in standing for me.

After a while, she excused herself and asked that Teniola goes with her. Immediately they left, Teni’s dad turned to me and said:

“My dear, I like you very much but I must let you know that if you want to be a part of this family, you must know how to massage mummy’s ego. She calls the shot here and no one stands against her. She is very protective of all of us so if she says you are not fit for Oluwateniola, even I cannot go against her. I like you and that is why I am saying this to you. Court mummy’s favour and you will be fine but…”

As soon as he noticed she was coming, he stopped talking to me and he quickly picked up the newspaper beside him and pretended to be reading. Probably she heard sounds as she approached because she asked him if he was talking and he denied out-rightly. I was shocked!

I also noticed that after Teni and his mum returned to where we were, he remained quiet all through the other questions she asked me. He didn’t attempt to speak for me again. His mum seemed satisfied with the way I answered all her questions though and she welcomed me into her family but I am not sure I want to be with a man whose mother holds her whole family by the jugular.

Now, I think Teniola has observed a change in my attitude towards him and he is beginning to ask questions.

Should I take Teni’s dad’s advice and court his mum’s favour knowing I may never be able to take decisions with my husband without her approval or simply run for my dear life?