What Type Of Marriage Is Yours Based On Author & Dad, Azuka Onwuka’s Classification?

A Nigerian author and dad, Azuka Onwuke has classified marriage into three broad groups and asks that each person identify where they belong based on the characteristics that make up their existing union.

According to Azuka, his analysis is not random, and he has based it on his research on marriages. Azuka explains he discovered that there are three types of marriage in the world. These three categories, he names as 1. Happy marriage 2. Unhappy marriage that seems to be happy  3. War zone.

1.Happy marriage

This is the dream of every person, even long before getting married. Sadly, there are very few marriages in this category.

In this category, the man and woman commit fully to making the marriage happy and successful. The marriage is not left for one party to build. Couples have a deep respect for each other. Issues are quickly resolved and never allowed to deteriorate. Pride, stubbornness, and selfishness are not given space in the marriage. Couples don’t see each other as having malicious intent. Even when strange things happen, each gives the other the benefit of the doubt and waits to hear the other out. Once an explanation is given, the other party believes it and lets the issue rest. Each spouse believes that the other will never intentionally do anything to harm the other. There is mutual trust.

Couples don’t see each other as competitors or contenders. Each partner tries to be the best in his or her profession, but there is no attempt to “outshine” the other for the purposes of proving a point. Whatever is achieved is achieved for the marriage. What is important is the welfare, peace, progress, and happiness of the family, and not the ego of the individual. Each member works towards that. The word “I” or “me” or “mine” is rarely used in such a family. What one hears most times are the plural forms of the pronoun: we, us, our, ours.

Whatever possession that exists in the family belongs to the family and not to the individual members. Each spouse ensures that whatever belongs to the family is well managed and protected.

The couple carry each other along in all decisions and actions. When the man or the woman is taking any action, even without the knowledge of the other, the other knows that it is in the best interest of the family.

There is genuine laughter most times in the home. Both of them want to be in each other’s company. When they are together, they never run out of things to discuss. They can argue and disagree, but there is no attempt to use malicious, derogatory or sarcastic words to hurt the feelings of the other. They are aware that it is just a matter of disagreement of opinions, not a disagreement of personalities.

When wrong words or actions are used, there is an immediate apology and resolution of the issues. It is usually a case of misunderstanding or misinterpretation, rather than a planned attempt to hurt the other.

When one partner is not unhappy, the other partner is also not happy. Each partner sees it as a personal duty to make the other happy.

The reasoning is:

“I don’t care what caused the unhappiness of my spouse. My concern is that my spouse should never be unhappy while I am alive – whether we are together or not – because the burden of my spouse is also my burden.”

Happy marriages do not happen by chance. The two people involved make it happen by planting it, nurturing it, watering it and tending it.

2. Unhappy marriage that seems to be happy

This is the commonest type of marriage. Most families are in this category. Only one person genuinely works for the success of the marriage. One person (wife or husband) endures all manner of indignities to keep the marriage going. The other person believes that it is the duty of the partner to make peace, endure things, and keep things going, in the spirit of love. There is the peace of the graveyard in this type of marriage. There is plastic laughter and show of love while in public, but there is pain and unhappiness in the heart. The couple assume that marriage is meant to be endured and that every marriage is like theirs. Consequently, they believe that it is not possible to have something better.

The couple stay together because of the children and because society and religion say that it is bad to divorce. The marriage is tasteless. A simple discussion usually turns sour because of malicious use of words and actions. It is hard for the couple to apologize or seek a resolution.

Problems usually start on a small scale through the use of words and actions that hurt. Even when these are pointed out, the offending partner thinks apologizing is a sign of weakness. Minor issues are left to fester without resolution. After many years of being the one that tries to resolve issues, the partner sees it as a one-sided marriage and gives up, thereby letting things run without control. Gradually molehills grow to become mountains. Things worsen and the marriage becomes bland.

Interestingly, those involved in this type of marriage usually try to paint a picture of happiness and love in the public sphere. The reason for the public show is to hide the inadequacies of the marriage and make other people envious. With the emergence of social media, it is easier to periodically post pictures and videos of enjoyment, success and happiness.

Those involved in this type of marriage are weighed down by their pride and stubbornness.  They want a happy marriage but do not want to work for a happy marriage. Even when they know what they can do to make their marriage happy, their arrogance and stubbornness block their sense of reasoning.

3. War zone

This category is not as large as Category 2. There is either a cold war or shooting war in this type of marriage. The couple may not talk to each other except when absolutely unavoidable. Even while in the same house, they can use the phone to communicate. Now and then, the man and woman quarrel bitterly or fight, even in front of the children or other people. Nobody wants to give the other an inch anymore. The person enduring the abusive marriage has become tired and has decided to stop being the lamb. Whatever one does to the other, the other responds in double or triple measure.

In most cases, this either leads to divorce or tragedy. Love has replaced hate. Everything the partner does is irritating. Each partner thinks of what to do to hurt the other to the maximum. Each of them wishes the other dead. In some cases, they even bring it to realization directly or indirectly.

There is no marriage that cannot be revived and no marriage that cannot be made even better. Unfortunately, marriage is the most neglected institution in life. No matter how intelligent a doctor is, the doctor will still continue to study and attend trainings.

The reason for all that is to ensure that the doctor is current in medicine. Engineers, economists, pilots, theologians, managers, nurses, soldiers, teachers, and all professionals continue to study, to practice, and to be taught, so as to become better.

However, most people do not get trained before they get married; and once most people are married, they rarely attend marriage counseling or training all through their lives. The only marriage clinic they may ever attend is the one given by their religious leaders who may not be professional marriage counselors.

But most importantly, a happy marriage does not drop from the sky. A happy marriage does not occur just because some people desire it. Only those who desire it and consciously work towards it achieve it.

— Twitter @BrandAzuka