Six Things A Child Psychologist And Family Therapist Want Parents To Stop Saying To Their Sons
Here, per couples and family therapist Laura Froyen, Ph.D. and a developmental psychologist and cofounder of the Mt. Sinai Parenting Center Dr. Aliza Pressman , list six phrases that parents should do away with when speaking to boys.
”Boys Donât Cry”
Telling boys that boys donât cry â or aggressively telling a boy not to be âa cry babyâ â sets a very bad precedent. Why? Simple. It makes them believe that theyâre not allowed to have softer emotions and trains them to bury their true feelings. When parents reinforce this thinking, theyâre robbing sons of a full emotional life, says Froyen.
âI work with a lot of men who come to my practice trying to be emotionally present with their kids or with their partner,â Froyen added.
âThey literally donât know the word for the emotion that they are feeling. I have to do a lot of remedial emotional-intelligence education with adult men.â
âBoys Will Be Boys.â
This is one of the more toxic phrases in the cultural lexicon that needs to be thrown out of the conversation entirely. âThis phrase encourages boys to no longer take responsibility for their actions,â says Froyen.
âOf course, we hear âboys will be boysâ within the context of the #MeToo movement, but it starts much earlier than that. It really encourages boys to start seeing themselves as beings who donât have to take responsibility for their actions or their impact on others.â
âYouâre Just Like Your Father.â
In a positive light, this phrase can make boys struggle with their sense of self. In a negative light, itâs much worse. When a young boy is told this with negative emphasis, says Froyen, it not only makes them feel badly about themselves and their parent, it also makes those traits seem like a fixed quality.
Think about it: Calling a boy stubborn, just like his father, makes him feel that being stubborn is bad â and that itâs a quality heâll always have. This can harm a boyâs self-image and prevent him from flourishing emotionally.
READ ALSO: Sonia Ogbonna Admonishes Mom To Break The Tradition On How Boys Are Raised In Genuine Post
âYouâre going to be such a heartbreaker!â
Why itâs problematic:Â Sure, you may be saying it privately or in front of others to fill a gap, but these words actually impose adult, romantic stereotypes on infants and toddlers or young kids, according to Dr. Pressman.
âThereâs this weird, heteronormative ideal youâre imposing on a little kid when you say these words,â she explains. âYouâre setting up a world that works in a particular way because you donât usually say this about two boys or two girls.â
Instead, youâre naming something as normal or showing what to expect in relationships when itâs really just kids getting to know each other, she adds.
âDown the road, all these subtle messages that you give little kids become how they interpret who theyâre supposed to be, so the silent message becomes that thereâs something wrong with who they are.â
(Dr. Pressman says a variation on this is also when parents say, âOh, is that your girlfriend? Sheâs so cute!â)
âBoys donât have dolls.â
Why itâs problematic: Research shows that childrenâgirls and boysâwho play with dolls reap the rewards. It expands their imagination, helps with empathy, language and more. But the idea of a boy having a doll is still something that causes discomfort. Per Pressman, itâs a scenario thatâs easy to spot on the playground.
âToddlers would have those mini strollers where they could shuttle their dolls and more girls would have them than boys,â she says.
âAs a result, the boys would want to take them because they had no other way of playing with them.â
You have to ask yourself about your parenting intentions with this one.
âI donât want to assume that parents are interested in creating more gender equalityâmaybe theyâre not and thatâs not for me to judge,â she says.
âBut you have to at least be conscious of it if you are putting a message like this out there to your kid.â
READ ALSO: Ayodele Olofintuadeâs Narrative On Raising Boys Outside the Norm Is a Breath of Fresh Air
âYouâre so tough.â
Why itâs problematic:Â This expression comes with plenty of nuance, of course. If youâre using it to teach your sons not to show emotion when they are hurt or upset, thatâs a no-no, says Dr. Pressman. But if youâre saying it to teach perspective, thatâs less of an issue.
âSometimes, a phrase like this can be something parents say to help kidsâboys or girlsâbe brave.â
Still, you want to be sure youâre not creating an environment thatâs anti-tears.
âIf something hurtsâphysically or emotionallyâyou never want a child to feel like they canât express how they really feel,â she says.