Nigerian Writer And Mum, Ese Walter Speaks On Her Decision To Give Up On Her Birth Family
Nigerian writer, Ese Walter has revealed that she has given up on her birth family.
In a post shared on social media, the mom-of-two who made news in 2013 after she revealed she allegedly had an affair with COZA pastor, Biodun Fatoyin, said she gave up on her family after they repeatedly offered to support her financially only because she did their bidding.
Ese pointed out that she went back to her marriage with her ex-husband, Benny Ark, a few times even when it wasn’t convenient because of the support her family gave to her as a stay-at-home mum.
She stated that anytime she failed to do their bidding, they stopped supporting her. Ese said five weeks ago, she decided to caught ties with them and has been running her life without their help. In her post, she shared on how life has been since she took the decision.
Read her post below…
”In 2016 I gave up religion.
Six years later, it’s the best decision I have made, not just for myself but for Boob babies. The open-mindedness they are developing helps them relate with everyone no matter their religious leaning.
About 5 weeks ago, I gave up on my birth family. This decision was not a hard one as I have tried for years to distance myself from my birth family but kept going back because of greed.
Or maybe not greed but what I perceived as support.
I could function as a stay-at-home mum because my birth family supported me financially. The support was also partly because of shame. Shame that this coza-scandal child was finally desired by a man so let’s support financially so said man can see some benefits to marrying her. Pttttf
With no job, employable skills or time to develop both, I plunged into a marriage, birthing kids and couldn’t bring myself to leave them long enough to pursue a career. I decided to stay home full time and experience them develop.
Unsatisfied with the whole arrangement, I found I couldn’t leave. Anytime I did, financial support was cut off until I returned to the situationship. It took me a while to understand this dynamic.
If I wasn’t doing what Mother wanted, I was cut off. I thought it was my mind because I often felt my perception was wrong. I experienced things a little differently (Story for another post)
On the 2nd of November 2021, I left my budding family, my 6 and 4-year-olds and moved to Lagos with my 10-month-old. I was broke, mentally tired and scared. Scared because I KNEW I would not be supported. I knew I would be left to myself until I returned to the situationship. I knew they would say, ‘Ese don start again…’ and dismiss whatever I was feeling/thinking.
I made a decision then that I was going to go all out and find my way. I came here to ask for assistance to rent a place for my 10-month-old and I. Friends offline gathered round to support me.
This was when I started to realize that maybe my clinging to my birth family was doing more harm than good. Mother has convinced everyone that I (meaning my entire being) was wrong. So except mum approves, nobody can support me. Fair enough.
I was able to receive help on and offline, get myself a place and focus on starting over.
Four months later, Boobman called me in a distress situation. I went to Abuja to ‘steal’ him and his sister. It was going ok until I started to experience palpitations, anxiety and regret over having children.
Tired of trying to go with what my family wanted, I cut myself off because I never really felt like I belonged. I definitely wasn’t accepted as I was. I needed to change, to follow the rules, to stop ‘overreacting’ to things that hurt me.
I found that following my own leading, I had less anxiety, fewer heart palpitations and less fear of wondering when support might cease.
Since I cut myself off, I have learned a few things about having a plan for one’s life, agency, mental health challenges and accepting help. I will expand on these on different posts over the course of this week (or maybe today as it’s another rainy, stay in bed day)
Have we suffered? Yes.
Have we received help? Heck Yes.
Have I thought about quitting on myself and my Boobbabies? Yes and, yes.
But I am still here, accepting that This Is Real Life.
Beld told me something yesterday that made me share here today.
She said, ‘you add value when you share these aspects of yourself, don’t hide when things are sore. Share through it all and come through like you always do. You don’t know who you are helping.’
On that note, I returned here and will not hide my shame, fears or vulnerabilities. I will also not hide my strength, will and sheer determination to keep moving forward.
I find that I always have what I need. In place of the ones I once called family, I have embraced those who support me no matter what. (Support doesn’t mean they like everything I do or that they don’t call me out sometimes, support means they let me know I am safe even when I fuck up)
This idea of feeling safe is new and one I am learning from scratch.
I saw a message in my inbox from a woman who left her marriage with her kids and had to go back because, in her words, ‘she didn’t want her kids to suffer.’ I get that. I left twice before and went back so my stay-at-home mum life could be supported by my family. I didn’t want to suffer.
The last 7 months have shown me what I was afraid of. We have suffered BUT we have had many joys, deep belly laughter and some odd days. I am also learning what family means.
There are many women who stay in situations because of that fear of suffering. I ask you to consider this – If we don’t suffer, what’s the value in enjoying? I find that challenges are the best way to unleash aspects of yourself that you are unaware of.
There are no mistakes. Everything happens as it should.
I won’t run from sharing again.
For those who worried about me based on my last postings on my whatsapp status, worry no longer. I am well. Matter of fact, more well than `i have been in a really, really long time. Sometimes it takes breaking down to get a breakthrough.
Good Rainy Afternoon from here my peoples.”
