How Do I Control My Kids?
By Ann Wolf
I’ve always written my articles geared toward human resources, but having raised three kids who are now 26, 25 and 20 and are doing well in life, I look around at exasperated parents, I feel the need to pour out some of my look-back advice.
Your child is not your friend
My kids were not my friend until they were over 18. Many parents today speak to their children with a coddling, pacifying tone with no trace of authority. Parents – you are the adults. Stop worrying that if you are firm with your children, they will resent you. Yes, they will be upset if you reprimand them, but kids get over things quickly and deep down, having boundaries and consequences makes them feel secure.
Stop talking so much
Parents talk too much. Period. Try to imagine if someone talked to you on a near constant basis each and every day. Personally, I would have a meltdown. I might not realize why I was feeling stressed, but constant parent-speak stresses kids out. For instance, set a bedtime and when it’s time for bed, simply say: bedtime, now (with authority). Car time should be especially honored as a time for kids to simply look out the window and let their mind wander.
Consequences
I’ve never been a fan of grounding kids for wrong-doing. It is nearly impossible to follow through with it. Rather, take something away from your child that they really want to do such as a planned sleepover. Mentally prepare yourself that when you revoke a privilege such as this, as the time draws near, your child will do everything in their power, including apologizing for the behavior, in order to get you to change your mind. Don’t. I promise that you will not have to go through many of these if you stick to it because your child will know that mom/dad mean business.
Counting
This is such a simple but powerful weapon for younger children. Don’t pull this one out too often or it will lose meaning, but tell the child “I’m counting to three-don’t make me get to three!” Very few children want to find out what it means to get to three, and if they push you to three, then you do have to follow through with a time out or whatever, but generally speaking this will work every time.
Mom is in time out
Another of my powerful weapons I implemented, usually reserved for when I felt especially hurt by my children’s behavior, was to withdraw myself, not physically, but mentally and emotionally for a few hours. Only respond to them in a yes/no and only do the bare minimum for them. Kids do not like to see mom this way because they don’t think of mom as a person but as someone who will always bounce back. This drove my kids crazy and worked every time because they realized that they had crossed a line with me.
What’s special anymore?
My kids were born in the late 80’s and early 90’s. The difference between then and now is that every kid I know, even born to parents who do not make a lot of money, have EVERYTHING under the sun. Not only are they presented with every toy ever made, but parents dote on kids to a level never seen before. Well meaning relatives need to be asked politely to not give too many gifts to your kids and special occasions need to be well controlled. Kids have too many choices now – too many toys to choose from so they get overwhelmed and don’t play with them. Plus your house ends up looking like a toy store and cluttered. Do not over indulge your child in any area of life. You think you are giving your child a fairy tale childhood, but what you are really doing is setting them up for disappointment later on when they realize that the world is not a fairy tale.
Politeness
My kids were always taught to go hug their relatives when they walked in the door. They were also taught to say thank you for every gift they received. To this day, they still hug all the aunts and uncles and grandparents and they acknowledge them for their gifts. And don’t forget about the pleases and thank yous in ordinary situations. Children need to be taught these values early on.
Life isn’t fair
This is the age-old statement that every child makes multiple times in a day. Although we want to be supportive of our kids when they feel they have been wronged or wounded, the message needs to be that life is not always fair. Teach them how to analyze the situation from all sides. Remind them that they do not have all the information about the situation. This will also teach critical thinking skills which is sorely lacking in today’s young people.
Entertaining your kids
I always felt it was not my job to entertain my kids, because my parents certainly did not entertain me, but I felt a middle of the road approach would do. So when my kids were young, say 3, 4, 5, I would get them set up with their barbies, or match box cars, or whatever.
This gave me the opportunity to be engaged with them, giving them attention because I always felt that I was too involved in household stuff. I would spend about 20-30 minutes and then slip out of the situation. This helped to jump-start play time and they would then play on their own. I do feel though that too much interference with play time will inhibit their ability to form autonomy, independence and dull creativity.
Clearing all obstacles
In an episode of Modern Family, Haley needed to write a college essay on adversity. She could not think of one single event in her life that was adverse, so Claire dropped her off a few miles away and made her walk home. Adversity makes kids strong. When your child moves through a painful event, monitor it carefully but try not to interfere too much. Have them come up with solutions to their dilemmas and talk it out with you.
In any parenting situation, just ask yourself this question: “Is this for my child’s highest good?” and you’ll be fine every time.
Every parent I know is doing the best they can for their kids, and my hats off to you for dedicating your life to this most noble endeavor. Remember, kids are resilient. It’s the parents I worry about more.
Parenting is a tough job. And I admit that I never conquered the battle of sibling rivalry, but read on for my honest take on parenting ideals that will help you to restore calm to your child-riddled life. Life is much more stressful in today’s world. Simple changes and tweaks to your parenting style will go a long way. Take back control and see the positive outcomes from the changes you create!
Thanks MIM