Married couple claim living separately is the secret to marital bliss

Who shares this couple’s sentiments?

Claire and David Burke’s daily life is as extraordinary as it is routine. Every Saturday evening, the husband and wife enjoy dinner together, often spending hours talking about the issues of the day over the table with a glass of wine, or snuggle up on the sofa to watch a film.

Then, at 11pm, David, 41, stands up, yawns, stretches and announces it’s time he headed off home.

Claire, 47, kisses her husband goodnight on the doorstep and goes upstairs to sleep alone in her double bed — while David sets off for his own house, almost seven miles away.

While most people would find it very strange that a loving husband and wife wouldn’t want to spend every day in one another’s company, both Claire and David insist theirs is the perfect arrangement — the envy of many of their married friends, in fact — and believe they are the most contented couple they know. ‘I realise to outsiders it must seem strange for a couple to be happily married and yet living apart, but it really does suit us,’ says Claire.

‘We never take one another’s presence for granted and spend more time together than most of our married friends, who tend to pass their evenings in different rooms anyway. The time we spend together is far more special this way.’ Firefighter David agrees: ‘I adore Claire and always look forward to seeing her, but I can’t imagine ever wanting to wake up beside her every morning.

‘I like my independence and that would feel claustrophobic.’

When it comes to Living Apart Together — the term coined to describe their arrangement, one which mirrors that of actress Helena Bonham Carter and her director husband Tim Burton, who live in adjacent houses — the Burkes certainly seem to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

Yet you can’t help but wonder whether such a set-up favours one partner more than the other.

Is this really a great deal for both? Or is it the perfect life for a man who just won’t commit heart and soul to a relationship — no matter that they’ve undertaken marriage vows — and a far less ideal arrangement for his wife?

Claire does admit that in the early years she had very much hoped for a more conventional arrangement and that it was David who backed off from that.

Having seen his parents argue constantly, and with an unhappy first marriage of his own behind him, he was adamant that he never wanted to feel ‘trapped’ again.

He met Claire in 2003 at the fire station in Bradford where he works and she was then a receptionist. Claire had recently separated from her husband of ten years, the father of her three older sons, Lee, who’s now 20, Billy, 18, and Max, 15.

‘I was attracted to him but I simply wasn’t ready to look for love again,’ recalls Claire.

‘So, for a few months, David and I were just friends. But I enjoyed being with him more than anyone else I’d ever known and could see he felt the same about me. We fell very much in love — which continues to this day.’

Claire rejoiced in seeing how wonderful David, who had no children of his own, was with her boys — playing with them on the lawn of the family’s spacious four-bedroom house and teaching them to ride their bikes.

‘Back then, I imagined that we would live together at some point in the future, like most couples do,’ she says.

But no matter how upset Claire was when he left her to go home at the end of an evening, David stuck to his guns and never stayed the night. Home for him was — and still is — a bachelor pad he owned before he met Claire: a plush three-storey house with a leather sofa and 40 in flatscreen TV.

‘I didn’t nag him to move in,’ she says. ‘I wouldn’t have been satisfied if he’d done it under duress.’

Claire also admits there were times when she felt deeply hurt by his lack of commitment.

One evening ten years ago, David put her to bed when she was feeling very unwell — yet then left her in charge of the three boys while he went to meet his friends for a long-standing engagement, before returning to his own home.

In the middle of the night, Claire became so ill that she had to call her mother to look after her boys and ring for an ambulance to take her to Bradford Royal Infirmary, where doctors diagnosed kidney stones.

‘I’m a typical man,’ protests David. ‘If Claire explicitly asks me to do something, I will. I’m just not very good at picking up on hints.’

David and Claire’s relationship carried on for another year, but then, in late 2005, they agreed it had run its course — partly due to David’s refusal to move in.

Over the next year they remained friendly, but their paths crossed only at work. Still, they missed one another dreadfully.

The couple were reconciled towards the end of 2006, on the understanding that David would show his commitment to Claire in all ways other than living under her roof. They even discussed having a baby, while still continuing their unconventional arrangement.

Claire says: ‘By then, I knew him well enough not to expect a child to make any difference to our living arrangements. In fact, I’d come to enjoy our set-up. We’d spend time together in the early evening, eating dinner like a normal family, and then he’d often go back to his house to enjoy a book in peace.’

In September 2008, when Claire was 41, she gave birth to their son Jay. Antenatal scans had given no clue that anything was wrong, so they were devastated to discover that he had Down’s Syndrome.

‘For the first 24 hours after his birth, I felt as though my world had ended,’ admits David. ‘And the impact on Claire was even greater. But once the shock had worn off, we both fell head-over-heels in love with Jay, who, in our eyes, is utterly perfect.’

Acknowledging that their son would need the full support of both parents, and that Claire would struggle to work full-time and meet Jay’s needs, David offered to move in. It was a huge concession for him.

They began to explore how much better off they would be with just the one mortgage and set of bills to pay.

‘We could have had a foreign holiday every year, like most of our friends,’ says David. ‘And new cars, instead of second-hand. But money isn’t everything. And, in the end, we both agreed that living together could ruin the wonderful relationship we have. Claire knows she’ll always have my total support, and I would never shirk responsibility for the boys. Falling into the kind of humdrum existence I see other couples make do with would be a much bigger price to pay than any financial cost.’

Six years down the line, they have settled into their individual routines, while seeing each other every day and sharing Jay’s care.

‘I like to spend my evenings reading and watching Newsnight, while Claire enjoys talking on the phone,’ says David. ‘So we do those things in our separate homes, and I never wake up and think I have to go and see Claire out of duty. I choose to do it because I love being with her.’

What about the impact of not sharing a bed at night on their sex life?

Actually, it’s less deadening than you’d think. David works irregular hours and Claire has given up her job to care for Jay, so they regularly get time alone during the day.

They say they make love several times a week, which is more than many couples who have been together for more than a decade. ‘Our love life is as vibrant as at the beginning,’ says David. ‘It’s one of the most wonderful aspects of our relationship.’

Now aged six, Jay is unable to dress himself and has language no more sophisticated than a toddler’s. However, he brings immense joy to his family, and I watch as he and David play a happy, lively game of hide-and-seek.

Jay stays with his dad two to three nights every week. David also cooks dinner for the family most evenings, as well as doing the shopping and mucking in with the cleaning.

Two years ago, when David proposed with a beautiful diamond ring from Tiffany’s, instead of saying ‘Yes’, Claire’s first words were: ‘I don’t have to live with you, do I?’

‘David’s face was a picture,’ says Claire, laughing at the memory. ‘He said “God, no!”’

When I hear that David’s house is currently on the market, I wonder whether — at last — the couple are about to live together. But of course not. David is simply looking for a larger place to call his own.

What about moving in next door?

‘I’d like to be closer, but not that close,’ says David, laughing as Claire digs him in the ribs.

‘I don’t doubt that people will think our arrangement odd,’ he says. ‘But I’m confident we’ll be happily married until the end.’

Source: Mail Online